I force myself to eat. The rigors of soldier training are intense. In addition to practice with the weapons, we have to run and do all kinds of other drills as well that require a great deal of physical endurance and strength. I'm eating more now than ever before, and I'm putting on more muscle. I never knew I could be this huge.
Would Callie even recognize me? Would she like my new strength, or would she prefer someone else? Anyone else?
This night, for the first time, I can’t settle to sleep. When the morning comes, I’m the first out of my tent.
Ron notices me. He’s outside, relieving himself. Once he’s done, he comes over.
"You all right, Adir? I would've thought you would be thrilled about the news about the females."
“Yeah, thrilled. Go back to sleep.”
Ron grunts and enters his tent, but that doesn’t mean I’m alone. A rock is kicked against my foot, and I glance over my shoulder to watch Yodo approach.
“You got in trouble with a female before, didn’t you?” Yodo asks.
I grimace. They know about the rumors, but I never once told them the truth about why I became a soldier. They never asked either, and I don’t think Yodo will now either. This is the furthest he’ll go with his probing.
A sigh escapes my lips. “I need the morning,” I say in a rush.
Yodo narrows his eyes. “I don’t know. That won’t be easy.”
“I know. If you could just cover for me…”
“You’ll be back by lunchtime?”
“Yes.”
“If you aren’t…”
“If I’m not, you can report me as missing.”
He lifts his chin. “You’re going after a woman?”
“Running to her,” I claim.
“What if she runs the opposite way?”
“Then I’ll let her go.”
“Don’t you think you should’ve done that already? You’ve been here how long now? And you never communicated with her in all this time.”
It’s a statement, not a question.
“I just need to try to find her,” I say desperately. “I don’t expect you to understand.”
“I don’t,” he says bluntly. “Even if you tell me everything that went on between you two, I might not. You have to do what you have to do, but…”
“But what?”
“Be careful,” he murmurs.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“She’s the key to everything, my key. Without her, I’m locked up. I can’t function like this. I can’t… I can’t let anyone in. I can’t live. I can’t… I just can’t.”
Yodo doesn't blink. It's clear that he thinks I'm crazy, but he doesn't understand. Callie's the only one who might understand, but will she unlock me and allow me the chance to grow and be happy again? Or will I be stunted even as my body grows more muscular?
I don’t know, but I do know that I have to try to find her.
So I go. I leave despite knowing how much trouble I could get in if I’m discovered missing. For a few hours, I try to find her, but the breeding quarters doesn’t house her, and the females there won’t talk to me. I don’t see Shawnta. She might be willing to help, but she also might want something in return, something I won’t give her, so it’s just as well that I can’t find her.
But Callie’s gone, and I have no idea how to find her.
Before I can lose my job, I return to the training grounds, but I feel even worse now than I did before.
I’ve lost Callie, and I don’t know if I can find her ever again.
18
Callie
As much as I can, I’ve been trying not to think about anyone, especially not Adir. The new breeders are maybe a little better than the new ones, but soon enough, even the overlord has to admit defeat.
You can’t force people to fall in love under these circumstances. You have a pool of women, but then you’re selectively narrowing down the number of males they can even interact with. How can you find love under these circumstances?
Not easily.
And I might’ve. Despite all of that, I might’ve.
But right now, it’s not about the Novans. It’s not about babies. It’s about finding my place on Kuria so that I can be in a better place to finding and accepting love.
Because as I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, I’m realizing that because of my family and they’re unwillingness to listen to me, they suppressed me. They put me in a box and made me feel small. They took away my voice, and because of all of that, I felt unloved.
That’s why I gravitated to Adir. He listened to me, and I felt loved. And maybe it is love. Maybe it really is, but he suppressed me in a way too.
Or maybe I did the suppressing because he wanted to talk to me, and I didn’t give him a chance. I silenced him. I was afraid what he would say would hurt me more than before, but honestly, there are times when I can’t stop wondering and worrying about what he did behind my back. Did he make the others fall in love with him? Not Shawnta. I know she doesn’t love him, but he was with one other at least. Did she love him? If he didn’t care for any of the others, why did he bother to be with them at all?
Why wasn’t I enough?
Why did he reject me?
It sure feels that way, that I wasn’t enough, that he rejected me just like my family did.
But then I recall how hopeful he looked that last time, how much he wanted to see me, how he had lit up entirely when I kissed his cheek.
Can I mean something to him despite everything?
Possibly, but can I accept everything that happened? Wouldn’t I first have to know all of that?
Yes.
It’s been so very long now since we last saw each other that you would think I should’ve moved on long ago, that he should just be a distant memory, someone I don’t concern myself
