“That’s not what I said. I just want you to think about it. Go and enjoy your opening gala, and really think if you want to give this all up. Because I’d hate for you to do it and regret it one day. You can still be a dad if you stay in Boston. We can still have joint custody. You don’t have to give everything up because you think that’s the only way to parent. There are choices.”
“I choose you. I told you that.” His voice was low.
“But will you still choose me if I refuse to give up my family? My livelihood?” He could hear her swallow. “Things are crazy right now. You should take some time to think it all through. We both should.”
“I don’t understand. What does that mean?”
She paused, and he could feel his head begin to pound. All the things he thought he was certain about felt like they were slipping out of his hand. The panic that had started to curl around his guts radiated out, making him jittery. Afraid.
He was losing control.
“Look, we have the ultrasound next Thursday. Maybe we shouldn’t talk until then. It will give you a chance to think things through and decide what it is you really want. And if it means you stay in Boston, then we can work through that.”
“But I…”
“I know,” she said softly. “I know it feels painful. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, because I do. But I can’t go through a broken relationship again. I can’t be the one who lets you down because I don’t do exactly what you expect of me. Not when there’s the baby to think about.” She sighed. “This feels really unequal, because you’re giving up so much more than me. I don’t want you to resent me in the future because of it. I’ve had enough resentment and hate in my life.”
He was losing her. He knew it. And he had no idea how to stop it from happening.
“So we can’t talk until Thursday?” he asked, frowning.
“I just think it’ll help. This thing between us, it’s like a drug. A really, really good drug. But like anything addictive, it can make your brain go a little crazy. I think if we took some time apart, you’ll be able to work out what you really feel.”
“I know how I feel about you, Courtney.”
“And you’ve told me how you feel about the Roberts. One way or another they’ll always be in my life. They’re my family, and you need to think about that.”
A shot of jealousy worked through him. He hated the idea of not talking to her. She sounded so damn far away right now. All he wanted to do was hold her, to breathe her in. That would make everything right.
“And once I think about it? What then?”
“I guess we’ll talk about it next week. This is killing me as much as it’s killing you, Logan. I wish I could do everything you’re asking of me. I get it, I do. But for the past eight years, Mary and Ellis have been everything to me. They’ve always been there for me. I can’t abandon them now.”
Shit. It hurt to hear her say it, but he understood. And it felt like something huge between them. A mountain he had no idea how to climb.
“I can’t stand the idea of not talking to you.”
“I know. But it’s just for a few days. And we have to be the adults here, Logan. We have the baby to think about.” She exhaled heavily. “I’m so tired. I wish I could sleep for a thousand years right now.”
“Are you still at the hospital?” he asked her.
“Yeah. I’m just outside the entrance.”
“You should go home. You and the baby need to rest.” And he needed to stop being a damn needy baby himself. Courtney and their child were the only things that mattered. He said it himself, he needed them to be safe. “And you’re right,” he said, his throat tight as hell. “I promise to think really hard. But you should know that I care about you. Like nothing I’ve ever cared about before.”
She gave a little sob and it almost killed him.
“Go home,” he urged. “Just take care of yourself okay? Promise me that at least.”
“Okay,” she agreed, her voice a sigh.
He squeezed his eyes shut. His head was pounding.
“Good luck with the opening,” she told him.
He almost wanted to laugh. In the past few minutes he’d forgotten about the restaurant opening. It felt so unimportant compared to this.
“Thanks.”
“Goodbye, Logan.”
It sounded final. Like a shot to the heart.
“I’ll see you on Thursday,” he told her. More of a promise to himself than to her.
And until then, he’d somehow make it through.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The cottage felt oppressive as Courtney walked inside. After talking to Logan, she’d made her way back up to Carl’s private room to sit with Mary and Ellis as he told them what had happened. A robbery gone wrong, perpetrated by a seventeen year old boy with a gun he’d stolen from a friend. The gas station owner had pushed the panic button and Carl was the cop who’d happened to be the closest. As soon as he walked into the station the kid had panicked, turning around to look at Carl, his finger too hard on the trigger.
The kid was lucky Carl had only gotten a flesh wound. A few inches to the right, and it could have been fatal.
She’d left once he was asleep, her body aching after a long, emotional day. Her heart was aching, too. She was still processing her conversation with Logan.
It had almost killed her to suggest they take a break for the next few days.
She felt weak and exhausted, but more than anything she felt desperately sad. Today was supposed to be a good day. She’d been so excited about seeing him, about
