When her hand slips into his jeans, my jealousy turns to anger.
I’m not naive—I know he sleeps around. I’ve smelled the perfume lingering on his clothes as he lays in my bed and tells me he’s no good. But to see it right in front of me? It makes me sick. I know he feels something. I wish he would get over his issues and just let me love him. But if he wants to spend his time being too afraid, that’s his choice. His stupid, terrible, idiotic choice.
I turn sharply toward Ricky, looking him up and down. His blond spiky hair and dull brown eyes aren’t really my thing, but he’ll do.
Is he still talkin’? I cut him off. “Yeah, great. Listen. You wanna get out of here?”
His eyes widen. “Uh... yeah. Yes.” He clears his throat. “Like, now?”
“Yup.” I spring up, letting my cup fall to the sand as I grab his hand, pulling him from his seat.
I march down the bank toward the parking lot, on a mission to find Ricky’s truck. I don’t bother looking back.
I thought it would feel different. Losing my virginity. But lying here in my bed, feeling the breeze from my open window, I feel the same as I have every other night. I reach down and cup myself, thinking I should feel something. Sore or I don’t know—some sign of entry?
Dang, that sounds stupid.
I thought it would make me feel like more of a woman, I guess. Honestly, it was nothing to write home about. Can’t say I regret it, though. I’ve built up how my first time was going to go for years, always trying to picture the perfect way Chase would take it from me.
What a joke.
The pressure of it living up to my expectations is gone now, at least.
“Goldi.”
Great. Out of all the nights for him to show back up in my life, it had to be tonight. I close my eyes. I’m afraid it will hurt to look at him.
“Goldi.”
His voice is closer now. I crack my eyes open and take a peek. He’s peering down at me, his dimples showing his amusement. Dang. I’m a sucker for the dimples.
I open my eyes fully and sigh. “Hi, Chase.”
“Where’d you disappear to tonight?” He’s leaning against my nightstand, hands in his pockets.
“Oh, you knew I was there?” I ask, eyebrows raised.
He looks down, shoulders slumping.
“Remember when we used to be best friends, Chase?”
“You’re still my best friend, Goldi.” He speaks slowly, the words rolling off his tongue like molasses.
I laugh. “Well, you must be the worst one I’ve ever had.”
“Don’t say that. Fuck!” The sound of his foot kicking the bottom of my nightstand is jarring.
“Quiet! You wanna wake Eli, or worse, my daddy?”
He winces, reaching up to grip his hair. “I just... I’m so fucking twisted up. I see you and it’s like all my shit gets thrown in the air, and I have no control over where it will land.”
“You can’t control everything, Chase. That’s not real life.”
He huffs. “What do you know about real life, Goldi? You’re fifteen.”
“Don’t you patronize me!” My voice is sharp but quiet. “I know enough about life to know that never takin’ a risk is never really livin’. Mama says just to make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, that’s all. I think you’re worth the squeeze.” My palm tries to rub away the ache in my chest. “I can’t breathe sometimes with how much I wish you would think the same of me.”
He approaches, knees hitting the edge of the bed as he leans down. His calloused fingers trail down my jaw and he cups my face. His Adam’s apple bobs with the motion of his swallow, and he gazes in my eyes, searching for... who knows what?
“Sometimes, I think I must love you, Goldi. That’s the only explanation for why my chest feels like it’s gonna explode whenever you’re around. But the last woman who I loved more than the world? She decided I wasn’t worth it, and left me with nothing but broken pieces and a baby sister to take care of.”
Love. My heart thumps faster even as I’m lost in his sorrow, wishing I could take away his pain. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “I ruin people’s love. I don’t want to ruin you, too.”
My fingers circle his wrist, feeling his pulse pound beneath my thumb. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”
He closes his eyes, resting his forehead against mine, rolling it back and forth.
A door opens down the hall, wood slats creaking as someone walks over them. Chase’s eyes snap open.
He bolts to the window, not looking back until he’s got one leg out, his body straddling the ledge. The muscle in his jaw tics from so many things left unsaid in the air around us. Then he slips away into the night.
Just like that, he’s gone again.
6
Alina
Sixteen Years Old
“Reed Stanton asked me on a date.” I’m nonchalant, sitting on my bedroom floor.
Becca’s laying on the bed with a Cosmo magazine. She drops it to the side, rolling over to give me her full attention. “And?”
“And... I said yes.” I shrug my shoulders like it isn’t a big deal, but we both know it is.
“I’m sorry, what?” She cups her hand over an ear.
“You heard me.”
“I did, I just wanted to hear it again. I never thought I’d see the day you’d go on a date with someone who’s not Chase.”
“Is that really so hard to believe?”
“Yeah, it really is. It’s about time, though. You’re sixteen and still so twisted up in him when he doesn’t even see you.”
“He sees me.”
“You mean when he sneaks in your room once every few months to use you as his emotional trash can?” She taps her chin. “Or maybe it’s when he ignores you at school, too busy payin’ attention to the tits and ass all over him.”
My heart squeezes as I defend him.
