I should have saved her from this. I could have saved her.
I see the pain I cause Goldi when I play hot and cold whenever she visits. I hear it in her voice every time she asks if she did something wrong. I want to scream that it’s not her, it’s me.
It’s always me.
I should let her go, I know this. But I love her. So fucking much. So, I’m selfish. I keep her on my rope, knowing I’m slowly hanging us both.
Lindsay sniffs again.
I quirk my brow. “Are you getting sick?”
She rubs under her nose and looks up, her pen creating a steady tap tap tap from her twitching hand. “What? No. I’m fine.”
I lean forward, looking at her closely. She’s antsy. She keeps rubbing her nose, and as she meets my gaze, I notice her pupils are the size of quarters.
“Are you fucking high?” I hiss.
She taps her nose. “Just a little pick me up, Chase. Nothing to freak out about.”
“There’s no such thing as a ‘little pick me up,’ Lindsay. What the fuck is wrong with you? ”
She shifts in her chair. “Jesus, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t want you to be high when you’re around me.” I point my pencil at her, gripping it so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap in half.
She raises her hands in surrender. “Okay, fine.”
“I’m serious, Lindsay. Never again.”
My phone vibrates on the table, Goldi’s name flashing across the screen. We haven’t spoken in days, and I’m dying to hear her voice, but getting to the bottom of Lindsay’s habit is more important right now. Goldi will understand.
I silence the phone, slipping it in my pocket.
Now that I know Lindsay’s been using, I’m worried, so I invite her over, sit her down and tell her I want to help. I need to help. She breaks down, admitting it’s out of control, and she’s scared of it taking over her life.
From then on, whenever I’m not working or in class, I’m with Lindsay. I don’t particularly enjoy her company, but I don’t want to give her the chance to shove more poison up her nose. Besides, it gives me something to do other than sit at my apartment and be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, I look at her and I swear it’s Lily I’m seeing—not that they look anything alike.
Maybe it’s my penance. Maybe if God exists, he’s giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is I couldn’t save my mom or Lily. I’ll be damned if I can’t save her.
Right now, we’re sitting in my living room, The Real World on TV. Jax and Goldi are driving up for the weekend, and I told Lindsay she could hang. To say I’m anxious is an understatement. Normally, I wouldn’t worry about Goldi being insecure, but our relationship has been rocky, thanks to me and my revolving door of fucking issues.
Lindsay begged me not to tell them about her problem. Said she didn’t want two of the most important people in my life to look down on her. I tried to reassure her they weren’t like that, but she’s adamant, and it’s not my story to tell. Because of that, I don’t really know what to say to Goldi about her. I don’t want to lie, so I’ve missed more than a few of our phone calls.
The doorbell rings and I jump. My nervous energy makes my motions feel jerky opening the door.
A swirl of vanilla and blonde rushes into me, long legs wrapping around my waist. I bury my head in her hair, gripping under the curve of her ass, holding her tightly to me. Immediately, the heaviness disappears from my shoulders, and the thoughts quiet in my brain. The way they always do when she’s around. It’s so fucking good to have her in my arms.
She peppers my face with kisses and I chuckle, squeezing her ass in my palms. “Good to see you too, baby.”
She giggles, sliding down my body and backing up. “Dang, I missed you somethin’ fierce.”
Jax is still in the doorway, his eyes on Goldi. I clear my throat to get his attention, wondering why the fuck he’s staring at her like that. He moves his gaze to me, adopting a carefree attitude. “Hey bro, good to see you.”
I raise my chin in acknowledgment, still watching him. He has his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he’s looking around the apartment like he’s never seen it before. The moment he spots Lindsay, a saccharine smile spreads over his face. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”
Lindsay grins, walking over to stand beside me. “Hi, you must be Jax. We’ve met once before, but I doubt you remember. Chase has told me so much about you!”
His eyebrows jump. “Has he, now? That’s interesting, I don’t think he’s said a single thing about you. Trust me, I’d remember.” He looks her up and down, giving her a wink. But then he glances over at Goldi, and I watch as what looks like concern fills his features.
Goldi’s staring in Lindsay’s direction. I reach out to search for her hand, lacing our fingers together, and rubbing the back of it with my thumb. Guilt for not giving her warning about Lindsay crawls up my throat. “Yeah, Lindsay and I have been chilling recently. I told her she could kick it this weekend, get to know you guys.”
“You two have been chillin’ recently?” Goldi’s voice is tight, her hand rigid in mine.
I look at her, unease prickling at my skin.
Lindsay jumps in before I respond. “Goldi, right?”
Goldi’s eyes narrow. “It’s Alina.”
Shit.
“Oh.” Lindsay smiles, nervously. “I’m sorry, I just
