“It was too triggering for me, Prinie. All I could see was my hands around your neck.”
“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t slept with anyone else, either.”
My lips turn up, ever so slightly.
Somehow those words do help.
Prinie reaches out for my hand. “Thank you for opening up to me.”
My eyes widen, meeting hers, they’re glistening with unshed tears, and I haven’t even started telling her the hard shit yet.
This is much more difficult than I thought.
“That’s not all I need to tell you… there’s more, so much more.”
She weakly smiles, tightening her hand in mine. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Those words hit much deeper than I could have expected. Knowing she isn’t going anywhere is exactly the boost I need right now. So, I steel my shoulders and prepare to tell her everything.
“Growing up, my mother was a low-end hooker. Her pimp would have men coming and going from wherever shithole we were staying at any time of the day or night.”
Prinie winces. “I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”
I almost laugh because that’s not anywhere near the worst of it. “To keep me out of the way, she would drug me before the men would come over, so I wouldn’t… interrupt.”
She gasps. “How old were you?”
I cringe, gritting my teeth. “Young, too young, problem was most of the time the men who visited were drug-fucked assholes. They’d pay my mother with a fix and while she was passed out on crack…” I pause taking a breath as Prinie’s eyes flood with tears, “… the men would then come into my room. I might have only been semi-conscious from the drugs the whore gave me…” Fuck, this is so much harder than I thought. My stomach rolls as flashes, memories, pain slams back into my brain. Memories I have tried hard to bury over the years. “But I knew well enough what they were doing to me. Every. Single. Time.”
Nausea slams into me full force, and I dry retch.
Prinie quickly wipes the tears away from her face. “They abused you.”
I try to clear the lump that’s firmly caught in my throat, but my voice is more of a whisper now. “They took advantage of a young boy who couldn’t defend himself, and they turned him into a monster.”
Prinie lets out a whimper as she cuddles into my side. “No. That’s not true.”
I peek down at her pressed against my side. “I tried to choke you, Kharlie. I took pleasure from it, in that moment. If that’s not a monster, I don’t know what is.”
She gazes into my eyes. “Why? Why did you choke me? Where did it come from?”
I turn away from her.
Why is this so fucking hard?
But I’ve already started, I may as well keep going. “When I was sixteen, my mother drugged me again, but I was getting better at fighting back. At putting up more of a fight.” I exhale. “This guy came in, did whatever the fuck he wanted with my mother, got her high on Ice, then came after me. I was so fucking out of it I had no clue who he was, only what he was doing… because I was so high on the drugs my mother forced into my veins, it made it harder for me to fight the men off. I tried. Every. Fucking. Time. I tried… including this time. This particular asshole had me facing him the entire time he was abusing me. All I saw was the way his face scrunched in pleasured delight.” My stomach rolls at the memory. “My hands reached out, aiming for his neck, flailing about trying to choke him, to get him off me, but all he did was laugh. Once he … finished, I saw my mother standing in the doorway watching the whole damn thing.”
Prinie huffs. “Are you kidding me?”
“Mother of the year. Then the fucker turned my MO against me, and started to strangle me instead. He was high off his nut, and I felt the life draining from me, but she stood there… just… watching. I was helpless to do anything, but honestly, at that point, I was ready to let it all go.”
“Oh, Wraith.”
“But Mom’s pimp, T-Max, knocked on the door saying the fucker’s time was up. So, he simply… let me go. Air flowed back into my lungs as he got up and left. Then Mom stood over me telling me how every woman in my life is going to stand over my body and watch me get fucked, time and time again. Because I’m worthless and deserve nothing but the pain I’d caused her by being alive.”
Prinie sniffles again. “Jesus Christ, and you wonder why you have a hard time connecting with people?”
“That’s not the end, Prinie.”
“It’s not?”
Finally, I turn to look at her. “When I came to, Mom was trying to give me another hit. Preparing me for another asshole to come in and to do the whole thing over again… I snapped. I fought back this time. I would not let it happen again.”
Prinie’s eyes widen with realization. “You strangled her?” I nod. “And you liked the power it held. You liked the feeling because killing her gave you the chance to finally be free.”
Maybe Prinie understands me better than I even do.
“Her pimp, T-Max, saw the whole damn thing. Aimed a gun to my head. I tried to fight him off, but the fucker called the heat on me and that’s how I ended up in juvie. But, he actually did me a solid and testified that I reacted in self-defense. Told them she was trying to drug me for her own personal gain. Got me a lighter sentence and early release.”
Her eyes light up.
