DECLAN: Sure. I definitely wasn’t checking out all the different surfaces I could fuck you on or against. Wait. This is your personal phone, right?
MADDIE: Well, it’s a VERY personal phone now… I will work out so much aggression on this thing. It’s really more of a gift for you, but thank you! I love it. Will tape a picture of you to it immediately.
DECLAN: Hey now, I want you to save a little aggression for me.
MADDIE: You back home?
DECLAN: Yep. Getting ready to go to the office. You leaving for your family thing?
MADDIE: In an hour or so. You’re really going to the office on Christmas Day?
DECLAN: I’ve Got My Laws to Keep Me Warm. Get it?... You’re really not coming with me?
MADDIE: Tempting. But I mean, I did agree to all this nonsense with you so I could spend time with my family on Christmas, so… <woman shrugging emoji> I’ll check up on you later. Don’t forget to eat and stuff.
DECLAN: <tumbler of whiskey emoji> Still full. Don’t forget to miss me and stuff.
MADDIE: You sure you’ll be okay?
DECLAN: I’m always okay.
* * *
MADDIE: Hi! Are you really at the office on Christmas? <sad face emoji>
DECLAN: Hi. Miss me already?
MADDIE: OMG yes I totally miss you!!! You and your brother are so hot I can’t even believe Eddie Cannavale is your brother you must have the best-looking family in the universe LOL.
DECLAN: Piper, is that you?
MADDIE: Um. No?
DECLAN: Hey, Piper. I’m not mad. And I’m guessing I have the second best-looking family in the universe after yours and Maddie’s. <winking face emoji> But Eddie is the ugliest person in mine, poor guy.
MADDIE: ROTFL WOW!!! These pics of you and Eddie are literally the best Christmas presents ever. I can’t wait to print them out and wallpaper my room with them. My friends are going to be soooooooo jelly.
DECLAN: Word. You guys eat dinner yet?
MADDIE: Yes but you should come for dessert! I mean, it’s not great or anything. I never touch the pumpkin pie, but there’s ice cream. Nobody should be alone on Christmas. Have you ever been to Staten Island? It’s not as bad as it sounds IMHO.
DECLAN: Maddie didn’t invite me, so I probably shouldn’t.
MADDIE: She totally wants you here! I heard her tell my mom. My mom was all “Why didn’t you invite him?” and Maddie was like “I didn’t think he’d want to come. He’s my boss.” But you do, right? You’re her BAE.
DECLAN: If BAE stands for Bossy Asshole Esquire then yeah. I am.
MADDIE: LOL. Before Anyone Else.
DECLAN: Well, I pay her to put me BAE, so. Doesn’t really count.
MADDIE: You should def come. Ima text you Mel’s address. Won’t tell Maddie in case you don’t show up. But you totally should. XO
Twenty-Seven
Maddie
DEC THE HALLS
“Twenty dollas. Twenty dollas they wanted for a punkin at the punkin patch in October—I said ‘Excuse me? Excuuuuse me? Twenty dollas for somethin’ I’m gonna carve up, stick a candle in, put on the porch so some asshole can kick it to the curb before Halloween is over? Oh my gawd—no thank you. I said ‘Where are we—the Hamptons? Do I look like Martha effin’ Stewart to you?’ I was appawled. Appaaawwld. Okay? I’m done. Done with jack-o-lanterns. Twenty dollas for somethin’ I can’t even eat or wear? No thank you. Pass me the Cool Whip from the fridge, will ya, hon? The one that’s already open.”
I put another dish in the dishwasher and then retrieve one of the sixteen-ounce tubs of Cool Whip from the fridge for my Aunt Mel. She has been complaining about the price of everything from gas to self-tanning spray ever since I got here. One thing she never complains about, though? Christmas decorations from Michaels. Nearly every inch of her house is covered with them. But her Staten Island accent is so cute, Bex and I like to provoke her so she’ll keep ranting. “I know, I paid seven dollars for a cup of black coffee at a place on Madison Avenue last month.”
“Oh my gawd. Do not even get me started on the price of cawffee at those places. Had it up to here with Manhattan ever since Giuliani—I’m done. I been carryin’ a thermos of cawffee with me everywhere since the nineties, you know this. No shame in it. And what are you even doin’ payin’ so much for one cup of black cawffee—serves you right, hon. You don’t wanna carry around a thermos like me, you buy it from a street vendor. A bodega, even. Who are you—a Kardashian? No. Save your money. Okay. I’m takin’ this out to the table with the rest of the desserts—it’s help yourself, arright? Nothin’ fancy around here, just eat it if you want it. You know how it goes.” She smooths a three-inch layer of whipped topping onto a store-bought pumpkin pie. Nonna Cannavale would shit herself, but I cannot wait to sink my teeth into that thing.
I also can’t wait to sink my teeth into Declan Cannavale’s butt cheek again. I wanted it, so I took a bite of it. I have never even considered putting my mouth on someone’s butt cheek before in my life, but I couldn’t stop myself, and I have zero regrets. Piper was right. It’s a perfect man butt. I don’t know how I’ll ever get enough of that man’s body in the next week, but by golly, I’m going to feast on him so hard, it will make last night’s dinner look like a Weight Watchers snack.
“Oh my God, just call him and invite him over, why don’t you?” I didn’t even realize my sister had entered the kitchen or that my aunt had left it. “I know that expression on your face. You’re having sex thoughts.” She hands me a plate of pumpkin pie and a fork and coughs into her hand, “Maclan!”
“Shhh! Thank you.” We both lean
