We get in the car, and drove to the church. As soon as we arrived, there was a loud thump on the window. I did not realise we were having a heated discussion. We were sitting outside the church. I had Tracey knocking on the car window and shouting obscenities for me to go inside the church.
‘ Hey, Tracey. What gives?’ I asked, bewildered at the , because of the conversation I just had with Justin. She took one look at Justin and asked if he was coming in. I tried to wink at her furiously, to say do not invite him in. I did not want to have to introduce him especially after the conversation we just had. Previously yes, not now.
He responded back to Tracey with, ‘I cannot. I am not formally dressed’. She says,’Do not worry about that. I do not, and neither does Melanie.’
‘ Are you mad? I am bloody dressed, I spent £150 in Next on this dress,’ I declared, because now she was just annoying me. ‘After the christening, go back and get your money back. I will help you,’ she said.
OK so my dress did not look like I got it out of John Lewis. It was a stylish dress.
Or maybe not exactly: it was a shift dress. A black shift dress. Now that I looked at it, it was a plain shift dress.
Maybe Tracey was right, I did look plain and boring. This was not like me. I spent so much time at Justin’s, at work or with the girls, and tried to fit the family in once in a while. I did not even remember, what that even meant. Time for me?
Justin and Tracey were talking like they were long lost buddies. I started to get jealous. Not so much because I thought he was checking her out, but more to the point, I was not sure if Justin and I had those type of conversations. It just felt weird.
Anyway, before I know it we were in the church. We sat down and I realized the strangest thing. This was a wedding. I recognised some of the people in the congregation. I sat there thinking to myself, we are either at the wrong place, or I am here for a wedding and not a christening. All of a sudden I had a surge of fright over me. I thought I was losing the plot, because how do you confuse a wedding with a christening? Furthermore, had I remembered it was a wedding I would have done more than come in black.
We sat there through the whole ceremony. The bride looked lovely in her white dress, only she was a bit oversized for a bride and he was undersized for a groom. No, let’s be honest, she was obese, minimum size 30, and she looked like she could crush nuts with every piece of her body.
Furthermore, she looked like she would kill the groom if she went on top of him.
He must have been a size 30 — in mens.
We did not know whether to laugh or cry.
The next thing we realised was she was over 1.7 metres and he was around 1.2
metres. There was an obvious height difference. I was now trying to look at the bottom of her dress to see if she had heels on and whether this was the reason she was towering over him.
No heels, she was just a very large girl, and he was a very small boy. Everyone was clapping and congratulating them. Then out of nowhere, Tracey burst out laughing. She said ‘I cannot contain myself. Am I the only one here that sees this is as the most unlikely couple in the world? They look like a female-and-male version of Laurel and Hardy’.
Obviously she was not alone. The next thing we noticed the whole congregation was laughing, in fits of hysterics, saying among them, ‘What idiot in the Home Office does not realise they are doing this in order for him to get his papers?’
They were the most unlikely couple in the world.
This is when we realised the real reason for their marriage was for immigration purposes and we laughed even more. We were laughing so much that the bride and groom started to laugh too. Even the priest was
laughing. The whole church was in fits of laughter.
Then Tracey stops, says ‘That is weird’, and puts her phone on.
‘What is it?’ I asked. The next thing she said was ‘There are twenty missed calls on my phone.’
‘Strange,’ I replied.
Justin said, ‘I thought you was supposed to go to a christening?’
I sat there thinking to myself, we are either at the wrong place, or I am here for a wedding and not a christening . We were not sure how it had happened, how we ended up at that church, but from the moment we walked through the door and saw the wedding we were fascinated.
Even more so because of the bride and groom. We could not take our eyes off them. Furthermore, I was too busy trying to take a photo and load it up on to Facebook, with a comment of Look where I am, wedding off the year!
‘Sally is not happy’, Tracey said, after reading her messages, Tracey continued to say ‘Because not only did the Godmother, me not turn up. No one else turned up. She was calling everyone’s phones and they were all switched off. Again very odd.
‘Hi Tracey,’ ‘Hi Melanie,’ ‘Hi Tracey,’
some of the congregation were saying to us.. This is when it dawned on me, that I recognised most of the people in the congregation; this added to the confusion. Everyone who was supposed to go to the christening was at that wedding. This is why the bride said she was so shocked about the amount of people at her wedding. I arrived at the Christening but was
