Alexia... she is all I can think about. I can’t get her out of my head; she consumes my thoughts. But every time I see her, she is with him. Which just makes me angry. I don’t know if they are together or not and I can’t take not knowing. I can’t believe that I smashed the doors at Joe’s. I went back to apologise the next day to him. Thankfully he is part of the pack so I didn’t have to explain how I was strong enough to do it, just an excuse as to what made me so mad. The annoying thing is, is that if I just said that it was because of my mate then my dad, Joe and everyone would understand and it wouldn’t be a problem, but because I don’t want to let them know about Alexia, they just think I lost my cool over some of the guys on the team. The only person who knows the truth is Caitlyn.
She’s my cousin.
My aunt found her mate while she was at college and she moved away to live with his pack and raise her family there so I don’t see her very often just a few times each year, but because our ages are the same I guess we have always got on and find it easy to talk through any issues we have in our lives. Usually by phone or email. I called her a few weeks ago and told her I had found my mate, and explained I was having a few problems. She knows that I wanted to go to college to play football and didn’t want to find my mate yet. She understands me beacuse she feels the same.
Two days later she showed up, I can’t thank her enough. She’s the only one that I think would be able to calm me down every time I see Alexia with Chris and I want to bite his head clean off his shoulders. Too bad however she couldn’t calm me down enough at Joe’s. But I had to talk to Alexia. It had been too long since I had spent any time with her. And I know part of that is my fault but that morning in my truck; I was so close to marking her. I almost lost control. She doesn’t even know werewolves exist, and then I go and almost claim her and take away her choice of ever choosing to love me or of ever loving anyone else. I have to know that she truly loves me and wants to spend her life with me before I mark her. But she’s sixteen, how can I even ask her to spend her life with me and only me. She hasn’t even lived.
I haven’t even lived.
It scares me. She scares me.
Scares me because I know with pure certainty that I will want her for all of my life. I want her more than any of my original plans for my life. I want to be with her more than life itself and I’m scared because I can see her slipping away from me. I can see myself pushing her further and further away and I don’t seem to be doing anything about it; because I know there are consequences that go along with choosing her and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
When she looks at me sometimes her eyes are filled with such sadness and loneliness and I almost go to her but then at other times they are filled with so much anger. Anger at me.
Rejection for me.
I know I deserve it, and that’s what keeps me away from her.
The problem is that my self-control is wearing very thin. I’m finding it more and more difficult to stay away from her. I’m texting her almost every day, just hoping that she will reply. At night I go to her in my wolf form but I hold back from getting to close. I know that as soon as she touches my thick coat I’ll shift back instantly just to be near her. I wont be able to stop myself.
Part of me thinks though that, that may not be such a bad idea. At least then she will know and won’t think I’m making it all up like a crazy psycho. She may also however be completely scared away forever.
Which is what Caitlyn thinks will happen. So far she’s made sense so I’m still trying to listen to her. I’m not too sure how long she can stay for though and I know the minute she does go, without no one to hold me back I’m going to break some of Chris’ bones and then go straight to Alexia, and I have no clue what I will actually do when I get there.
All I do know is that I cant take this rejection for much longer. It physically hurts my body. My strength is weakening. I can feel it. I need her. Body and soul, I need her by my side. Another month of this and I will gladly become Alpha and scrap any plans I have for college, if it just means I get to be with Alexia.
I have a game in two nights. I know she will be there. She always is. I can hear her shouting for him. Cheering when he makes a decent move. But I can feel her watching me, she may be shouting for Chris but I know where her eyes are. It energizes me and it gives me hope that maybe they are just friends after all. I hear everyone at school talking about them. Saying what a cute couple they make, but I also hear Alexia’s remarks saying that they are just friends and that gives me hope too. I think if she did have
