Headlights from an oncoming car behind her illuminated the headstone. She sniffled and wiped her face, hoping the car would slowly pass. It didn’t. She heard the soft crunch of tires draw closer. The car stopped, and the headlights went out. Of course. Of course someone else would be here at this exact time to visit someone in the same section as her mother’s grave. Because she couldn’t even get a moment to herself in a cemetery.
Behind her, a car door opened and shut with a gentle thud.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
Alexis turned on the bench, heart in her throat. Elliott stood twenty feet away, hands shoved in the pockets of a winter coat.
She turned her back on him. “What do you want?”
“I was worried about you. Candi and I have both been trying to call you.”
“I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“I understand.”
“Then you’ll understand when I tell you to get back in the car and go away.”
Elliott walked closer and gestured toward the bench. “May I?”
“No.” But Alexis scooted sideways anyway to make room for him. She’d ask herself why later.
Elliott placed his hands on his knees and stared at the gravestone. “I came here once last year.”
Alexis looked over at that. “Why?”
“I had some things I needed to say to her.”
Alexis ground her teeth. “You should’ve said them when she was alive.”
“I know.” He focused his gaze on her. “Do you want to know what I told her?”
“Not really.”
“I told her that I missed her.”
Alexis stood up. “Jesus, not this bullshit again.”
“I told her that she’d raised an amazing young woman, and I wished I had been part of it.”
Alexis hugged her torso and stared at the gravestone. She felt her lip tremble and hated him for it. “You had three years to contact me. Why didn’t you?”
“Because I was a coward, and I was ashamed.”
Alexis snorted. “Points for honesty and self-awareness, I guess.”
He didn’t respond.
“It’s not fair,” she said, staring at her mother’s name etched in stone.
“No, it’s not.”
“She was all I had.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to know the things I know now. I don’t want to be sitting here like this, mad at her because of you. Do you understand that?” She turned back around to face him. “You made me mad at my own mother. You stole something from me. Something so fucking precious. You stole my peace.” Her voice choked and cracked. Elliott’s hands twitched as if he wanted to reach for her, comfort her, but he wisely kept his fingers curled around his knees. She sniffled again. “And now, because of you, I’ve lost Noah too. You made me doubt him, and I hurt him so badly.”
“I’m sorry, Alexis.”
“Stop saying that. Just fucking stop apologizing!” Alexis tightened her arms around her torso, a barrier against the crashing wave of emotions. Of anger. “What are you really doing here? What do you want?”
He stood. “A chance to make things right. A chance to be a father.”
“I don’t need you to be a father.” She advanced on him with rage in her steps. Rage she had tried to bury for so, so long. “Do you hear me? I don’t need you to be a father! I don’t fucking need you! I’ve never fucking needed you!”
She punched his chest. Once. Twice. He took the assault without a flinch, which pissed her off even more. She wanted him to wince. To cringe. She wanted him on his fucking knees. She wanted him to hurt like she hurt, to know the emptiness that gutted her now.
“She was enough. You were a sperm donor who never existed. Do you hear me?” She pounded his chest again. “I was fine without you!”
“I’m sorry—”
“Stop. Saying. That.” Every word was another punch against his chest. “I don’t need your apologies and your regrets.”
“Then tell me what you need, Alexis.” He gripped her arms. “Tell me, and I’ll do it.”
“I need you to apologize to her!” She yanked from the hold of his fingers and pointed at the headstone. “I need you to stand here and tell her you’re sorry for breaking her heart. For using her as a summer fling that meant nothing to you and then walking away. I want you to apologize to her for the dreams she had to give up. For making her work two and three jobs at a time to take care of me. I need you to apologize to her for letting her die without ever knowing that you actually fucking cared about her.”
“I can’t,” he said, his voice thick. “I can’t do that, because she’s gone. She’s dead, Alexis, and if you think that doesn’t tear me up inside, knowing that I can never say those things to her, you’re wrong. All I can do is make sure you never feel alone again.”
“Then take my fucking kidney, you asshole. Because if you don’t, you’ll die. And I’ll be left to stand in front of another goddamned gravestone, and if you think I’m angry now, just fucking wait until you die.”
“Which is exactly why I can’t go through with this. I want you to be part of my life of your own free will and because you want to be. But if you do this now, you’ll always wonder if I’m a father to you out of a sense of obligation or gratitude, and not simply because I want you there.” He tilted her chin up with his finger. “And I do want you there. I want you to be my daughter.”
A dam burst inside her. Horrified, Alexis buried her face in her hands. Sobs became a torrent of ugly sounds
