Until you get over that anger. Marsh’s words came back to him, unbidden and unwelcome. And just as unwanted, his own response. You’re right. I never got over the anger. I hope I never do.
But that was a lie. He was tired of being angry. Tired of fighting a war he never asked for, a war he was dragged into without his permission, a war that had cost him everything. Including Alexis.
“No,” Noah whispered, the word scraping past a thousand others that longed to be set free. Words that had been inside him for so long. “I’m not at peace.”
“It must have felt like a betrayal for Alexis to believe you leaked those documents.”
Noah nodded, throat closing.
“Betrayal can make us do really stupid things sometimes,” Mack said. “It blinds us to reason and logic. Makes us do things we know are wrong. Things that will only hurt us worse in the end.”
“Things like pushing away the woman we love even when she’s trying to apologize for her own mistakes,” Colton said.
“Or like using that computer brain of yours to commit crimes,” Malcolm added quietly.
The Russian squeezed his shoulder. “Who are you really mad at, Noah?”
“Him.” The word tore from Noah’s chest, breaking things and shredding things like only a reluctant admission could. Jesus, he was mad at his father. All this time. And he’d never been able to see it or admit it until now. Until that anger had nearly cost him everything.
The Russian tugged Noah closer, and Noah couldn’t have fought it even if he’d tried. And not just because the Russian was built like a Sherman tank, but because Noah was weak and drunk with the release of such long-festering truth.
“I’m so mad at him,” Noah rasped. “I’m mad at him for staying in the military. He could have retired. He made the choice to stay, to keep being deployed. He left us. He left me. I needed him. And he left.”
“He broke his promise,” Colton said quietly.
“So you broke yours.” Malcolm said it softly, but it exploded in Noah’s brain. Because his entire world became clear. Just like that, a veil was lifted.
“I didn’t become a hacker to defend my father,” he choked. “I did it to get back at him.”
“And there it is,” Colton said, lightly patting Noah’s back.
Noah tried to hold back the sobs that were desperate to get out, but he couldn’t. So he did the next best thing. He turned his face into the Russian’s barrel chest and let them come.
“It’s okay, man,” Colton said. “Cry. Let it out. Cry until you’re okay.”
Until you’re okay.
God, how he wanted to be okay. Not good. Not great. Not even happy. For the first time since that chaplain had appeared at his door, he was ready to just be okay.
The front door suddenly burst open, and Noah jumped. He sat up, wiping his face, praying to everything holy that it was Alexis, because God, did he have a lot to tell her. After he kissed the shit out of her and begged for forgiveness, of course.
But the woman who appeared in the doorframe was not Alexis.
Noah’s mouth dropped open. “Mom?”
“Good,” she said, hands on her hips. “You’re not dead.”
Mack winced. “Sorry, Mrs. Logan. We should’ve texted you again to let you know he was breathing.”
Noah gaped at him. “You called my mother?”
“Dude, you looked really fucking pathetic. We were afraid this was going to be a bigger job than we could handle on our own.”
“You were right,” his mom said. “Will one of you go out to my car and bring in all the food I brought and also my suitcase?”
“Suitcase?” Noah dragged his hand down his face. “Mom, I’m fine. The guys are morons. You didn’t have to come.”
“I got it, Mrs. Logan,” Colton said. He winked for good measure, but it had little effect on her. She rolled her eyes instead.
“The rest of you make yourselves scarce for a few minutes. I need to talk to my son.”
Nothing could make a man of any age move faster than that tone of voice from a mother. The guys vacated the room in five seconds flat.
“Have you been icing your cheek?” she asked, crossing the room to stand in front of him. She didn’t give him time to answer. “Of course you haven’t.”
“It’s fine, Mom.”
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, jumping over his words like he hadn’t even spoken them. “We’re going to get you cleaned up, get some food into you, and then you’re going to tell me the truth about Alexis. And then we’re going to figure out how to fix it.”
He’d be lying if he said his chest didn’t flood with warm relief at her words, her presence, and her unmitigated confidence that he could be redeemed. Sometimes a man still needed his mother. This was one of those times. Didn’t make it any less embarrassing, though.
She smiled and cupped her hands around his jaw. “You’re so much like him, you know.”
“Like who?” If she said Marsh, he was going to throw himself into traffic.
“Your father.” Her hands smoothed over his unruly hair. “So tough on the outside, but inside you’re nothing but gooey goodness.”
A snort of laughter from the hallway was followed quickly by the sound of a fist hitting an arm. Followed immediately by a heavily accented, “Ow, why you hit me?”
Noah pinched his nose.
“He was so, so proud of you,” she continued. “He used to watch you doing your homework and just shake his head. He’d always say, How did a guy like me create a brain like that? You were the light of his life.”
Pressure began to build in Noah’s chest again. “Mom, I—I miss him.”
Her face softened into a smile that spoke of regret but also hope. “I know you do.”
“I’m afraid I’m forgetting him.”
“Oh, Noah . . .”
“I don’t remember what we did the day before he deployed the last time. I don’t remember what we said to
