“Well?” I ask, not so patiently.
“You want to know what I think?” she asks.
And I give her a “duh, are you kidding me?” kind of look.
She just chuckles off my obvious frustration.
“Well, I think he has some sort of feelings for you and I’m not saying that it’s in a romantic way, but maybe it’s scaring him because letting another woman in, or even person for that matter, would be scary for him. These last few months have been hard watching him turn from the silent, brooding biker to a biker who is more interested in what’s at the end of a whisky bottle. He knew how to smile and have fun with his friends, but has now turned into this guy who is there in the background for when we need him, and we can still count on him, but I’m sure that if his family wasn’t part of the club we would have lost him to the darkness a long time ago,” she says with a concerned look on her face.
I think about that for a moment. Everyone he knows is part of the club, and that’s probably why he comes to the clubhouse and is there in times of need. I wish that there was some way I could help him, but I’m not sure what, if anything, could.
It’s not like I want him to look at me in a romantic way because there is no way I am ready for that yet, but I could see us being friends. He is already someone I trust and feel safe with.
I know that he said that he wasn’t ready for friends, but wanted to get to know each other. I don’t know how else I would place us. If the idea of friends frightens him, I couldn’t imagine becoming anything more than that.
I honestly don’t know if I would ever trust a man with my body again anyway.
It’s not only everything that has been done to me; I also have scars all over my body. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, so how can I expect someone else to?
I don’t think that I could be naked in front of someone again.
When I look at my scars, I see someone weak and naïve. How could I have been so stupid as to trust Brent? He had told me so many lies and I was able to see the monster underneath over the five months I was held.
There were constant taunts and an evilness that I had never seen. Once I was handed over, I couldn’t see the same guy who took me out to dinner or who was patient when it came to having sex.
Flashes of the months of brutal torture, and wishing it would all just end, try to take over my mind.
I squeeze my eyes shut and take deep breaths.
I try to focus on the voices and people around me, but every sound becomes muffled like I’m underwater and it’s almost like I can smell that room like I am back in there.
I can’t feel anything, but there are arms on top of mine and somewhere in the back of my head, I know that they aren’t trying to hold me down, but the state of my mind doesn’t understand that and I start to shake.
“No, please don’t,” I plead.
My voice is shaking and breaking. Like the first days I was there and begging for them to let me go.
They would laugh and grin at me menacingly. I had learned fast that they loved it when I begged, cried, or screamed.
Reaper’s face flashes in my head and I can still feel his hands on my skin and feeling like nothing will ever make me clean.
My breathing gets harder and I feel like I’m suffocating.
Something is pushed into my face and it’s soft and smells like Tyson. I instantly know what it is.
The teddy bear that has somehow become my security blanket in ways.
It may not be healthy, and I may rely on it too much, but I can’t bring it to me to care. I can’t begin to explain the reason his presence or scent calms me.
I breathe it in and take a few deep breaths.
Everything slowly comes back to me and I open my eyes. I see the concerned faces of everyone. Ella and Krista are on each side of me trying to offer me comfort. My brother Xavier is in front of me and I’m assuming he was the one that took a shot that the bear would calm me.
I clutch it tightly to my chest as I feel my hands are still shaking.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened,” I say lamely.
“It’s alright. Those are bound to happen. It’s not something that is just going to go away,” Krista says, and I nod my head in agreement.
“I was lost in my head and I couldn’t shake the memories away. It felt like I was back there,” I say, and I see her nod her head from the corner of my eye.
“Well we will do anything to help you. Even if it’s just to get your mind off of it. Like where did you get this adorable plush bear?” Olivia asks, and I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment.
“Oh ah I got it in the mail,” I say as I hear my brother let out a snort.
I turn my head to him and narrow my eyes.
“What? It’s true,” I say.
He grins at me. “Cami, if you are going to pretend that biker didn’t send this to you, then you picked the wrong thing to lie about because his name is literally on
