What hurts the most, though, is that at some point in my life as Evangeline, I might’ve actually fallen in love with Adrien, whereas he might’ve just been acting. For all I know, he could’ve been fooling me then and there, and I wouldn’t have had the slightest bit of clue. I could’ve just been his idea of a revenge plan on Adam and I because Evelyn didn’t choose him but his brother.
My heart aches in pain. Pain that is caused by too many people all at once. Pain that is caused by Adrien, Trevor yet most of all, my parents. How could they? How could they use their own daughter as a truce? Is this how they see me? Am I just a truce to them- nothing more than that? How could they just write on a piece of paper who I am supposed to marry and not give me a choice in this? Did they think that I’ll just be okay with it? Marrying someone I don’t have feelings for? Did they think I’d let them get away with this? Don’t they know that love is not a game? That who I love is something out of their control? That love is so much more? I can’t possibly force feelings into my heart for someone I don’t love, marry them and just pretend for my parents’ sake that everything is okay- that I’m genuinely happy.
And what? They couldn’t just let it slide that I just fell for the younger brother without creating a mess? Couldn’t they just pretend everything was fine? Couldn’t they be grateful I actually managed to fall in love with someone from the Sanderson’s bloodline? I mean it’s not like I fell in love with a stranger for God’s sake. Couldn’t they just edit the contract? Couldn’t they change the word ‘older’ to ‘younger’?
A twinge of sadness pinches my heart because for a single moment, I thought about what would’ve happened if my parents have agreed in the first place on our marriage; what would’ve happened if my parents just let it slide- the fact that I loved the wrong brother from their point of view, and I can’t help but think that I might’ve not been in an accident in the first place if I didn’t have to get married behind their backs. I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t have lost my memories, and my life would’ve been perfect if it weren’t for my parents.
Chapter 18
I’ve been up all night. At first, I couldn’t just stop thinking about what my parents and Adam’s parents did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hate what they did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how selfish their actions are. What they did isn’t something a normal parent does to their child. No. What they did isn’t like planning a birthday party behind my back and then surprising me later on with it because that would’ve been an actual good kind of surprise, but this- what they did- is not something they should’ve done in the first place. They had absolutely no right to bring the lives of their innocent children into their own mess- the mess they created. What they did equates a parent, who committed a crime and deserves to rot in jail, only to turn in his own child, claiming he’s the true criminal in this case because they simply didn’t want to handle the consequences of their own actions by themselves.
Evelyn. My thoughts drift to her and what she must’ve felt like knowing she was destined with someone her heart won’t develop feelings for; to what she must’ve felt like knowing she loved someone else who her parents won’t simply agree to marrying him, and to what she must’ve felt like being a pawn in her father’s game- a key to her father’s success. I have to admit that when I was told that Evelyn- I- lost my memories and that she didn’t end things well with my parents before I took over her body with my own persona, I thought that her recklessness is what bought me to where I am now, yet finally understanding the truth, I have to say that my parent’s recklessness is what bought me here.
Placing myself in Evelyn’s shoes and trying to imagine what it must’ve been like for her, pain stings my chest. Adam; however, I don’t think I can even feel an ounce of what he does. I hurt for him, knowing that, out of all people, he has been through the most. What he felt like whilst loving Evelyn only to lose her in the process? What it felt like not being able to be with the woman he loves because of his parents’ business? What it felt like having his relation with his brother destroyed? What it felt like being disowned by his parents?
A loud boom from outside sends my heart in a freaked out, frenzy drumming stance.
Oh no!
How could I have forgotten?
Those past few weeks have been crazy enough to occupy my mind. I place my now shaking, sweaty hand on my forehead as I try to control my rapid heartbeats and tone them down. Blame is what I feel right now because how can I forget? I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let my thoughts get all jogged up that – for a few days- it actually fled my mind that I’m astraphobic.
That when the thunder explodes into the night sky and when the lightening cracks through the darkness, so does my panic attacks- they crack me up.
‘Deep breath, Evangeline,’ I try guiding myself.
I can’t.
I can’t take a proper deep breath with my mind yelling at me with its accusations. I can’t think properly knowing that I’m showing every single symptom of
