At least, not always.
We always think we have it all: power, money, love, wealth, beauty and even health. We learn to be grateful for what we have when we’re tested in our weakest positions- when we’re vulnerable. I’ve never thought of how much I should’ve been grateful for all those times I felt like I can really breathe, for all those times I felt like I was just ‘fine’, for all those times I wasn’t in any kind of pain until now. Whenever we feel like we’re in pain, whenever we feel like we aren’t in control, whenever we feel like we’re powerless, we take a closer look- a deeper look on life. We take notice of all the blessings showering us, and we thank God that he has put us in this position because if he hasn’t, we would’ve never really noticed because that’s just the nature of us human beings: we don’t realise the value of what we have until we lose it.
That’s what was happening to me right now.
This psychological attack that caged my body made me feel how much I wish I could control myself. It made me feel how much I wish I could stop the shaking, tone down my pulse, end the numbness, and kill this ache stabbing my chest. I wish I could inhale a proper breath, but I can’t. With the presence of this nightmare, my wishes are never going to be granted, but I still pray. I pray for these symptoms to leave me alone; I pray this thunderstorm ends right now, and I pray that these attacks would stop exorcising me whenever the condition of the weather is like this night’s.
Even though it almost caused me to lose my conscious, I made it downstairs to the front of the barrier between both floors. Thanks to my physical state and my already existing laziness, I was about to trip a couple of times on my feet, but I didn’t. With the golden key in my right hand, I push it in, twist it to unlock the door and open it. Despite there being a possibility that Adam’s in the house, I didn’t care about my appearance. Surely, I looked like hell, but neither was it my fault, nor did I have any physical strength left inside of me to fix myself up. I don’t know if I was praying that Adam’s here, or if it was bothering me that he might.
With a leisurely pace, I take slow, unsteady steps towards the kitchen that was drowning in darkness, praying not to fall down and face the floor with my head. As I take a further step forward, a creak sounds from beneath my feet, and I curse myself, hoping not to have awoken Adam if he was asleep.
“Evangeline?” Adam’s voice startles me as well as his appearance, that wasn’t visible due to the raven black kitchen, and I stumble back a few steps, losing my footing in the process.
Adam hurries down to where I’m now sitting on the floor just as I let out a groan from the pain. He places his hand in mine, pulls me on my feet, and tightens a hand on my right arm as an attempt to steady me before walking me towards the couch in his living room.
“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you. God, you’re trembling!” He asks; his tone dripping in worry as he aids me in lying down.
I pull my knees to my chest trying to prevent the shaking but failing miserably. Tears continue leaking down from my eyes at the strong jerks of pain, hitting me one after the other, that accompany me with each boom, and I can’t even reply to him because I feel like the minute I open my mouth I might throw up the emptiness in my stomach.
Adam, who is standing right in front of me, brushes his hand through his hair pulling on a few strands in the process, clearly distraught before telling me, “Don’t move, okay? Ju…j-just stay here. I’ll be back in a second.”
Realising that the only person, who’s actually here, accompanying me during my tough ride is about to leave me alone, even if it is just for a few seconds, drove a new kind of panic inside of me. As an involuntary result, my unsteady hand clutches tightly onto his right one.
His eyes soften, and his hand squeezes mine gently before he reassures me. “I’ll be back before you know it- I promise. Count to ten, and you’ll find me next to you even before you reach it, okay?”
Not able to reply, I hesitantly nod.
If this were any other time, I’d probably be blushing at my need for his company. My heart would’ve been rocketing to space, and my stomach would’ve been rummaging with excitedly nervous butterflies, but they’re not. When I’m living through these kind of nights, my thoughts are irrational, and I never think straight.
Adam’s presence disappears, and I find myself counting in my head anxiously, and he’s right- he was right in front of me before I reached ten, and I’ve never been more relieved. My heart warms a little bit at what he’s holding. In one hand is a heavy soft blanket, while in the other lays a mug with smoke floating out of it. Gently, he drapes the blanket around me, making sure it’s securing everything besides my face. The instant he does, warmth throbs through my previously cold veins, and my shaking surprisingly lessens a bit.
“Do you need me to get you another cover? It’s unusually freezing today.”
I
