The House Mate

by eight feet. In the nunnery, I felt protected. I felt that things seemed to make a bit more sense. I developed habits that kept me sane, behaviours that kept me safe. Every time I remembered the events that had taken Toby away from us, I became more aware of my surroundings and patterns evolved, behaviours I would play out so nothing like that would ever happen again. I was protected by the four walls of my room. Locks were checked and rechecked, coins were aligned and my bed was kept immaculately clean. One of the visiting priests, who I had become fond of sitting with from time to time when he was around , would occasionally catch me out before turning a door handle or a latch. ‘Don’t do it.’ His words would echo softly around the concrete walls. ‘I won’t.’ I would call back. But I did anyway, and I could almost feel the warmth of his smile as he walked away.

A year passed and the nuns told me it was my time to move on.

Money appeared in my account from the sale of the house that Lee could no longer bear to live in with only one son, and the ghost of another.

So I signed up for a textile course and moved to London. But as soon as I was back amongst the chaos of life, the old feelings began to rear. It was going to take some time to adjust, I reassured myself.

I didn’t contact Lee to tell him I had moved on again. I knew he would expect me to see Jack. But I still wasn’t ready to face either of them. But there was only so long I could stay hidden from a superintendent of the Met’s organised crime unit.

‘We’ve been watching this organisation for months, and today was the day we hit the joint.’ Lee rubbed his stubble, a sign he was tired. ‘I’ve been tracking your phone for a while now. But you knew that. And today, when I looked, you’re at the same address. So if anyone is confused, it’s me?’

‘I’ve been following this girl on Instagram, Mrs Clean. She had a troll who I worked out lived at this address. I worked it out because I saw a picture she had taken from the attic window of the rooftop cinema opposite. It became like a compulsion, I got carried away. I didn’t mean to come this far.’ I felt relief pour out of me like a balloon deflating. Exhaustion was taking over.

Lee smirked, that smile that had knocked me off my feet all those years ago. But the last few years I had stopped noticing. Instead, all I had seen was his anger. His frustration at what I had done.

‘Doing a bit of your own detective work, I see. I taught you well.’ Lee looked at me longingly.

Our past sat between us like a heavy rock; we would never be able to shift it. It had been over a year since I had laid eyes on him. But I had felt him all around me. Sometimes only in my imagination as the horrors of the tragedy haunted me. But other times I was sure I had seen him. I was sure I had felt him.

‘I need you to know, it was wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. I was so mad with you, with us, at the beginning, that was just raw grief. My world was shattered too, Meg. I know it wasn’t your fault. I need you to know that now. You can stop running from me.’

My shoulders shuddered as the tears spilt down my cheeks. Lee’s hand reached for mine, and this time I took it and squeezed it hard.

I thought back to the days when I could barely look at him and vice versa. On the odd occasion he would try to touch me with care, I recoiled as though his skin was poison. Then I thought back to the fights, the screaming. The blame. The days and nights he spent away when I would be left with Jack, who was verging on becoming a teenager who needed his dad around, but all he had was a half-version of the mother he had once known.

We were a couple grieving the loss of a small child who didn’t deserve to die that day. Nothing would build us back together again. Our relationship ended the day Toby died. I would carry the burden forever. But to look at Lee every day, to see the blame in his eyes, was too much to live with.

Lee was speaking again. I wiped the tears and snot from my face with my sleeve, an act I had berated my children for over and over again.

‘I went all out to make sure a proper investigation happened. The landscape was crumbling – they shouldn’t have been letting people walk along that cliff. I mean, you can’t walk there now. It makes me angry that we lost our son. It’s been three years, Meghan. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I was so angry at times. I’ve had therapy.’

‘I changed my name,’ I said through a sniff.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘It’s my job to know this stuff. But don’t think I’m about to start calling you Regina any time soon. You’ll always be my Megs, even if it’s not legally your name any more.’

I tried to smile at his efforts and I winced. The adrenaline had worn off and in its place a searing pain in my ribs and arms was slicing me in two.

‘We need to get you to the hospital. Can you walk?’ Lee started to stand.

I nodded.

‘Right, come on then.’ Once on his feet he held out his hand. As he pulled me up, I automatically found my way into his arms and for the first time in years, I stayed there, not moving. No longer wanting to run.

46

25th April 2016

We had been waiting for months for the weather