‘Where is the baby boy?’ I interrupted.
‘With social services. He was picked up in the early hours of this morning in a house in Eastleigh with three Eastern European women.’
‘And Hero, how is she?’
‘Not well. She is pregnant, suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum and is severely malnourished. Couple of fractured ribs. It’s amazing the baby has survived this far.’
‘Is the baby okay then? How many weeks pregnant?’ My thoughts were only with her and the baby.
Lee screwed his face up and shook his head. ‘Twenty-four weeks, maybe. I can’t remember that bit exactly. Megs, listen, I got to speak to her briefly, and she wants to see you.’
‘What?’
‘Yep, once things calm down a bit and she’s feeling a bit more up to it, then yes, she wants to meet you. Properly. To thank you, I suppose for taking an interest in this alter ego of hers… Lucy something.’
I paused and took in what Lee was telling me and the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. Mrs Clean was lucybest65.
‘How?’ I shook my head in disbelief.
‘She created a separate account as a way to reach out, she hoped that by posting regular comments that were not of the usual calibre that Mrs Clean was receiving, that someone might take notice. And you did. All those years living with a copper. I suppose it was worth something.’ He smiled.
Tears pricked in my eyes. I looked at Lee and felt the weight of our past slowly sinking away. We had been estranged for years. It was time for us to finally find some closure for both of us.
‘It was worth everything.’ I sobbed as my throat swelled up with all the words I had been meaning to say for years. ‘You were my everything, my world, you, Jack and Toby. But I ruined it, and there was no getting it back again. I lived under a blanket of guilt whenever I was with you and the weight of it was crushing me.’
‘I know, Megs, you don’t have to explain to me. I was a pain in the arse to live with, and after Tobes, well… I must have been hell to live with.’
The memories of arguments that began when Lee came home from work and had so easily carried on through the night into the next day. Our grief morphing into nothing more than exhaustion and resentment for one another.
I shifted and winced at the pain.
‘Do you need more morphine?’ Lee asked.
‘No, I had some just before you got here.’
‘Okay then, we can get going.’
‘Okay.’ I swung my legs down from the bed.
‘Megs.’
That tone, I knew it was coming.
‘Jack misses you. Do you think you are ready?’
I looked at my feet. ‘Last night I woke with a terrible pain, the worst kind of pain I have ever experienced. It wasn’t my ribs or my wrist, it was my bloody heart. It felt as though it was breaking and it was a gut-wrenching pain that started down there and went through my whole body.’ I looked at Lee, my eyes welling with tears. ‘I miss him, Lee. I miss him so much it hurts. I didn’t think I did. I thought he was better off without me, but I felt his pain last night. It was like I was experiencing all our pain at once, yours, mine and Jack’s and Toby’s—’
‘Toby isn’t in pain. He’s at peace.’
‘I know. I know. I had Jack so young. We made such a good team in the beginning. I could never have imagined anyone taking Jack from me then, and yet I left him.’
Lee took my hand and squeezed it. We both knew we could never be together, the pain and loss we had suffered was bigger than both of us.
‘He’s had me. We’ve haven’t done too bad. But I think it’s time for you to see him now, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘Yes. I’m ready.’
Epilogue
Three months later
I raised my head to the sky and felt the warmth of the late-summer sun on my face. I looked down at the picnic I had laid out ready. Sandwiches, melon, crisps and fresh homemade lemonade. I hoped when everyone arrived they would enjoy my offerings. I wasn’t much of a hostess, but I was learning how to be better at it. The same way I was learning how to be better at other things: like being a mother. Something I had thought I had forgotten how to be, or maybe thought I no longer needed to be. My phone pinged. And I opened the messages. It was from Karen.
Tell Jack happy birthday from me. Sorry I can’t be there today. I hope you understand. It’s a bit too soon.
I smiled and texted back that I understood. Sophia was now almost five months pregnant and living with Steve and her parents. They were both on their way, and Karen could not be around them just yet. It could take Karen some time to come round to the idea of them together. The same way it would take some time for my neighbour, who I now knew as Natalia from Bulgaria, to come around to me and my mistake and no longer see me as a threat. Her son, Raff, had a primary immunodeficiency disorder. I had bought some toys for him and flowers for Natalia and dropped them off. I still felt a little hostility. But I wouldn’t give up. I felt eventually it could be a friendship worthy of the investment.
I had met with Hero twice and met her son, Baby Boy as she referred to him, but who was now officially named Noah. She started up the account of lucybest65 as another outlet to the world, and it had quickly spiralled into another alter ego. The comments she
