The cats had our tongues.
Again, not our finest moment, but we were face to face with all of our dreams come true. Poutine—all curvy, white, fluffy and rude. Annie Surely—black and white fur, curly whiskers and a shitty attitude. And Blythe—gray tiger-stripe with an eye roll that deserved an award and an outlook on life that sucked. They were f-in’ gorgeous.
“Poutine,” I said, puffing out my chest and sucking in my gut as I untangled myself from my boys. “Youse is lookin’ as hot as ever.”
“Bite me,” she hissed, sending joy through my furry frame.
“Annie Surely,” Boba said, eyeing her warily. “Youse is still a babe.”
“I’ll cut your tongue out of your head,” she snarled.
Boba grinned and gave me a thumbs up.
Sadly, due to his nards being injured, Jango sounded like a girl. However, that didn’t stop my brave brother. “Blythe, humpin’ youse is my fondest dream.”
Damn, he was good. Why didn’t I think of that?
“Get in line,” Blythe snapped and gave him the middle finger.
Nothing had changed. It was just as romantic as it had always been.
“You know my Canadian tutors?” Sassy asked, surprised.
“Weese are acquainted,” I said, winking at Poutine, who made the international I’ll slit your throat sign. Poutine was everything I wanted in a dame, and this time she wouldn’t get away.
“Old news,” Poutine purred.
“This is awesome,” Sassy shouted, missing all of the death threat foreplay going on. “I’ll host a dinner tonight. We can have a picnic under Sturgill and his missing bits. I’ll just pop home for aboot an hour and have Jeeves make us some food, eh?”
“Youse do dat, Sassy,” I said, wondering if the furry gals were packing enchanted weapons.
They wouldn’t dare use them since any magic shot at us, went back onto the attacker—times ten. We might be girthy, but we were deadly and seriously good looking.
Sassy hopped on her broom and flew right into the sign we’d just put up. It hit the ground with a loud crash, and we all dodged the debris.
“Sorry,” she yelled. “We can make another sign tonight!”
We watched in appalled silence as the witch flew down Main Street upside down squealing with glee. When Sassy was out of sight, I glanced over at Poutine who gave me the finger. All was right with my world.
And then, in a move so brilliant it brought a tear to my eye, Boba dropped to the ground and raised his back leg high. Jango and I immediately followed his lead. Ball sac maintenance was a sure-fire strategy to let the gals know of our undying love for them. I went to town on my giblets like my life depended on it.
True love was true love.
We loved the violent cat burglars—had for decades. Maybe we hadn’t been clear in the past, but the vigorous ball bath ritual we were performing would clinch the deal. Win-win.
Or we’d just have spotless nuts.
Chapter Five
Doing the f-ing splits, having a smackdown with my boys then licking my giblets to impress a gal was rough on a guy. The sheer amount of stretching involved had been excruciating. Thankfully, the plan seemed to be working. Poutine, Annie Surely and Blythe were no longer staring daggers at us. They appeared bored and uninterested. It was a dead giveaway that the dames were dazzled.
“Enough,” Poutine ordered in a tone that made my kitty Johnson jolly. “Your message has been received, and we are open to negotiation.”
Annie Surely and Blythe nodded as they sharpened their nails.
Jango and Boba sucked in their guts and flanked me on either side. I was truly shocked that Jango had been able to reach his nugs, but when love was on the line, a man would do dangerous and painful things.
“Didn’t know youse gals was Canadian,” I said, making a little polite conversation before we got down to business.
All three of the dames rolled their eyes in unison. It was hot. I was tempted to keep making small talk to get them more pissed off, but decided it might backfire like everything else we’d done lately.
“That’s part of the issue,” Poutine hissed, pointing one heck of a sharp claw my way. “None of you ever paid attention… to anything.”
Boba raised his hand and waited to be called on. Annie Surely snarled at him. He grinned and took it as a yes. “In my defense, I was so enamored with your hairy bubble-butt it was hard to think about anything else.”
That earned a giggle from Annie Surely.
Boba took a bow and gave everyone a thumbs up.
Shit. I needed better lines.
“And in my defense,” Jango said, eyeing Blythe like she was a fat juicy mouse. “Youse got the curves dat gives me the swerves. My brain goes insane when youse shakes dat snooty booty. Dat’s why I might have missed dat youse are Canadian… umm… eh?”
Damnit. The son of a bitch had picked up some Canadian from Sassy. Talk about good…
Blythe purred with delight and gave Jango the middle finger salute. He pumped his paws over his head in victory.
All eyes were on me. I felt the flop sweat coming on fast. Unfortunately, my bullshit-o-meter started moving instead of my Casanova-o-meter. Something wasn’t right with this picture. As much as I wanted to ignore it—and I really wanted to ignore it—I couldn’t. We were the fat felonious familiars of the glorious and profane Shifter Wanker. Zelda was the protector of this town and we were an extension of our insane witch. The life we lived now was a gift from the Goddess herself, and I wasn’t about to take the Goddess for granted even if Poutine was the most bootylicious cat in the Universe.
“Before I wax poetic about your furry teats,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Poutine. “While I didn’t pay attention to where youse dames lived, I did pay attention to what youse did for a livin’. Youse are cat burglars, not Canadian tutors. Are youse down here to fleece Sassy? Cause if youse are, weese are gonna have a
