Poutine's brows shot up in surprise. She laughed. “You’ve found a conscience, Fat Bastard?”
My name on her lips was heavenly, but if she was here to pilfer shit from my idiot friend, we had a complication.
“Occasionally,” I said, playing it cool and hoping I wasn’t drooling. “What’s it gonna be, Poutine? Are youse really a Canadian tutor or is youse here for nefarious reasons?”
Poutine walked toward me—furry hips swaying from side to side. Her eyes were narrowed to slits.
I lost a few brain cells. The broad was hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends.
“So, if I’m here on a job, you want nothing to do with me?” she purred, inches from my face.
“Depends on what the job is,” I shot back, trying to remember my name.
Her grin grew wide as she circled me like I was a car for sale. I loved every second of it and prayed to the Goddess that the broad wasn’t here to mess with my people. Sucking in my gut, I made a mental note to use the damn treadmill. With my brain in my ball sac at the moment, it was difficult to remember to puff out my chest and suck in my belly.
“We’re legit Canadian tutors. It’s a difficult language to master. However, we are also here on a job,” she said with a quick and delightful slap to my fat ass.
As enjoyable as her love tap was, her answer wasn’t delightful at all. Jango and Boba weren’t pleased either. The hair on my neck stood straight up and my boys hissed with displeasure.
“Dis is my territory,” I snapped, heartbroken but refusing to show it. “Youse will perform no job in Assjacket.”
“Is that the actual name of the town?” Annie Surely inquired, looking bored.
“No,” I said. “It ain’t. And weese ain’t tellin’ youse what the real name is.”
I had no fucking clue what the real name of the town was. Ever since Zelda named it Assjacket, it had stuck like glue.
“If youse are here for a job, youse don’t deserve to know the name of the town,” Jango huffed, no longer trying to minimize his spare tire. My compadre was letting it all hang out. His fucking stomach touched the ground. It was disgustingly impressive. “Dis town is special. Weese haven’t been run out of here, and weese have a witch. She’s fuckin’ crazy, but she’s ours. Youse hot asses will not mess up the only good home weese ever had. I don’t care how blue my gangoolies get. They might even fall off and dat will be your fault.”
My man Jango was pissed… and fat.
“Dat’s right,” Boba grunted. “And anyways, weese don’t even know the real name of the town. So there.”
“Not helping,” I said to Boba.
“My bad,” he replied. “I can see how dat don’t actually support the argument.”
“No worries,” I told him. “Just clap your trap shut for a bit.”
“Roger dat,” Boba replied.
It was a standoff. A tragic standoff. While I was aware that we’d have to explain to Sassy why we’d dropped kicked her Canadian experts out of town, I was willing to do it for the sake of Assjacket. Sassy was known for blowing up buildings when she was put out, but since she’d mated with Jeeves, the nicest Shifter in the Universe, she’d gotten the habit under control. Or I hoped she had.
And even though my heart was shattering, I had to cat-up and defend my territory. This day was sucking all kinds of ass.
“Interesting,” Poutine said, looking wildly unconcerned about what was going down.
The dame was hot.
“Spit it out,” I said, holding my ground even though I was tempted to cleanse my dong pillow again to turn her on. “Name the job youse is here to do.”
“Can’t,” she said.
“Won’t,” I shot back.
“Actually,” Blythe said, yawning. “For the first time in a while, Poutine isn’t lying. We have no clue why we’re here. The Goddess sent us. Only thing she said was that the key to history was in the name, and then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. She also mentioned that toilet paper was very expensive.”
“Why do dames rub their eyes in the morning?” I asked, wondering if the Goddess was losing her marbles. Those were some shitty directions. Although, I did agree about the toilet paper.
Blythe shrugged. “No clue. However, the silver lining is that we actually are Canadian tutors and someone needed our services and…” She stopped speaking when Poutine shot her a shut the hell up glance.
“And?” I pressed, not sure I was buying what the gals were selling, even though I wanted to. “Youse will come clean or youse are out of here. Sassy can’t spell and she’s an idiot, but she’s our idiot. It youse think youse are gonna take advantage of her or any of the other dumbasses in dis town, youse have another thing comin’.”
“Think,” Poutine corrected me with a smile. “It’s another think coming.”
“Youse sure?” I asked, wanting to keep the dame smiling for the rest of her life.
“Quite,” she purred.
“Expound on the and,” I ordered.
Poutine rolled her eyes and glanced back at her girls. They rolled their eyes and nodded.
“Fine,” she groused. “And… we wanted to see you three imbeciles.”
Again, my heart pounded in my chest. Again, my tail twitched spastically. Again, I was pulled back to earth by reality.
“The Goddess don’t send people on missions with shitty directions,” I pointed out.
“Apparently she does,” Poutine shot back. “And I’m pretty sure the Goddess wouldn’t have sent us to one of her favorite places in the Universe to rob it blind.”
“She said Assjacket was one of her favorite places?” I asked, surprised.
All three lady cats nodded their gorgeous heads.
“Give us a moment here,” I said, grabbing my boys and yanking them over to Sturgill. Huddling together under the nard-less bear, I eyed them. “What do youse assholes think? My brain is in my crotch right now, so I’m not sure
