“Hairball,” Poutine said with an eye roll.
“Got it,” Jango said as he began grooming himself like his life depended on it—which it very well might.
Poutine continued as cool as a cucumber. “So, Jango will hurl the hairball when Blythe and Annie Surely start choking each other. Boba, you will then blow a room clearing stinky. Got it?”
“Roger dat,” Jango said with a mouth full of fur.
The others nodded and waited for a signal to begin.
Poutine patted Boba on the head. “Boba, you move now. When you’re set, the rest will follow.”
“Youse got it, boss,” he said and slunk away.
“Poutine, youse and me will head for the back room and hit the fuse box. No electricity, no service.”
She nodded. Her eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Mom, there’s a kitty,” the awful human child squealed, pointing at Boba, who didn’t slink with his usual finesse. “I want it. I want to keep it.”
“Oh darling,” the woman said, eyeing Boba with a sour expression on her face. “We can’t have a cat. I’m allergic, and they’re filthy animals.”
“I WANT IT,” the spawn of the underworld screeched.
The woman looked to the man. He shrugged and pulled out a fat wallet filled with bills. “How much for your cat?” he asked Wanda.
“Cat’s not for sale,” Wanda told him firmly.
He laughed. “Come on. Everything's for sale, lady. How much?”
Wanda stood taller and eyed the rude human with distaste. “I told you the cat is not for sale, mister. And the diner is closed.”
“Hey now,” the man said, flashing a few hundred-dollar bills. “We just want a bite to eat. I understand the cat isn’t for sale. No harm. No foul.”
“I want that cat,” the child wailed.
Patting the horrible little human’s back, the mother whispered, “Don’t cry. We’ll take the cat when we leave. That mean lady won’t even notice. No one tells us no.”
“Like hell they will,” I hissed, debating how criminal it would be if I pilfered the asshole’s loaded wallet once the lights went out. I was supposed to be living on the right side of the law this week.
“Wouldn’t be criminal at all,” Poutine said with a grin. “I’ll be your second and we can split the take.”
“Did youse just read my mind?” I asked, shocked and delighted.
“Maybe,” she said with a wink. “I know how you think, Fat Bastard.”
“How do youse know?” I asked, more in love with the felonious feline than I thought possible.
“Because great minds think alike,” she purred sexily then became all business again. “Everyone… go.”
I’d never witnessed such a shitshow without an ounce of magic involved in all my years. Neither had Wanda. She dropped into a chair and hid her face in her hands to disguise her laughter. No one was gonna mess with the best cheesecake maker in the Universe—not on my stolen watch.
Jango coughed and hacked like he was a ten pack a day smoker. Staggering around the room like he was gonna die, he stopped right at the feet of the horrified human woman. He looked up at her innocently then ralphed a gelatinous, phlegmy globe of skank like I’d never seen. The size of the hairball he puked up belonged in the record books. I’d never been so proud or grossed out by my buddy. Even Poutine couldn’t hold back a few sympathy gags.
Blythe and Annie Surely were fucking maniacs. The broads took Poutine at her word when she’d requested copious amounts of blood. Wanda was gonna have to do a major mop to clean up the sticky mess. And I thought our fights were violent… We didn’t hold a candle to the savage she-devils. It was bloody poetry in motion. The humans were terrified.
However, the shining moment of the entire presentation was compliments of my man Boba. With his fat ass positioned high and his bunghole aimed perfectly, he shot a stinky that singed my nose hairs. The cat’s sphincter was positively vicious. The screaming that ensued—by all of us, including Wanda—was music to my ears even if the aroma permanently damaged my nostrils.
There wasn’t even time to shut off the lights. And because of Boba’s outstanding anal audio vapor loaf, it didn’t matter. The unruly pampered shit of a kid screeched and hightailed it out of the diner, followed by her overindulgent mother. The father was dry heaving and trying to stand up.
“Give me your back paw,” Poutine insisted.
“Why?” I asked, confused.
“Just do it,” she hissed.
Far be it from me to deny my dame anything. I put my foot into her paws, and she launched me like a grenade across the diner. I landed with a thud right in the middle of the human’s table and hissed at the man like I had rabies.
His eyes grew huge, and he fell backwards in his chair, hitting the ground like a sack of potatoes. He crawled out of the diner on all fours whimpering like a loser.
However, his wallet didn’t make it. It was now safely in my possession thanks to my brilliant broad. Normally, I didn’t like to share my loot, but this time was different. Poutine could have the whole f-in’ take. That was how much I loved her.
“Oh my Goddess,” Wanda choked out, crying she was laughing so hard. “You’ve earned yourselves a cheesecake every day for the rest of your lives. Thank you. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
“Our pleasure, dollface,” I said, checking on Annie Surely and Blythe who were healing slowly. It was a good thing Zelda was on the way. She could wanker the dames right back to perfection.
“What’s all the noise aboot, eh?” Sassy asked, running out of the kitchen with Jeeves right behind her.
Jeeves gagged. “And what’s that smell?”
They were an excellent couple. Sassy was a hot blonde dame with nice hooters and Jeeves was a good-looking kangaroo Shifter. Although, his fashion sense was a little iffy. This evening the man was wearing lime green jockey breeches with a yellow tank top and
