“I farted,” Boba admitted with a grin as Annie Surely gazed at him with an expression of pride and adoration on her bloody mug.
“That was certainly some fart,” Jeeves said with a chuckle. “You okay? You need some seltzer or a cracker to settle your stomach?”
“No, he doesn’t,” Wanda said, running her hands through her hair and sighing. “Boba’s anal acoustics saved the day. There were humans in here.”
Sassy and Jeeves froze and glanced around in shock.
“In here?” Sassy asked. “Inside the diner?”
Wanda nodded and began to pace. “Yes. It makes no sense. The town is glamoured to keep humans away. I mean, I thought it was.”
Jeeves righted the chairs and got everyone a nice hot cup of tea.
“The history has been lost—no way of knowing how the town was protected,” Jeeves said as he made sure everyone was comfortable then sat next to Sassy and held her close. “As the story goes, the historian who was keeping the books used the pages as sanitary paper.”
“Youse are tellin’ me some numbnuts wiped his ass with the sacred history of Assjacket?” I asked, pulling a Jeeves and putting my arm around Poutine. She hissed a little but didn’t coldcock me. I considered it a win.
“History?” Poutine asked, thinking aloud. “Do you happen to know the name or species of the historian who wiped his ass with the past? This information might pertain to something the Goddess sent us here to do.”
My gal was as hot and hairy as she was smart.
“I’m sorry I don’t,” Jeeves said, shaking his head. “It was before my time, but that’s the rumor.”
“What was before your time?” Zelda asked as she and Mac burst through the front door of the diner.
Zelda glanced around at all the blood, winced at the hairball then eyeballed the new cats in town. Her brow raised as she noticed that me and the boys had each staked our claim and were protecting them. Not that the dames needed protection. After what I saw tonight, I was pretty sure they could hand us our fat asses.
“Somebody start talking,” Zelda said, pulling up a chair and joining the group. “Now.”
“Humans was in town,” I told her as her eyes grew wide. “And they came into the diner.”
Zelda glanced up at Mac, who stood behind her with an expression of surprise and anger. “Mother humper,” she muttered as her fingers began to spark. “We have a problem.”
Chapter Eight
After a round of introductions, we dove right into business and got Mac and Zelda up to speed. Stress was high. When Wanda was stressed, she fed people. When I was stressed, I liked to eat. It was a win-win.
“Oh my Goddess. You cut the cheese and asphyxiated everyone?” Zelda asked Boba with a wince as we finished filling them in on the situation.
“Yes, he let one rip,” Wanda confirmed with a chuckle. “It was a disgustingly fabulous finale to the very scary event.”
Mac shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t get it. Why are they stopping in town? I had two humans stop by police headquarters this afternoon asking for directions. No one stops at headquarters. No human stops in Assjacket at all.”
Zelda pulled Blythe onto her lap and began checking her injuries. “No one until today. The magic is wonky. I can feel it.”
“Do I need to spread some more green goop?” Sassy questioned sleepily, leaning on Jeeves.
Zelda shook her head no, and carefully healed Blythe. “No. It would be a waste of goop. This feels different. It’s not the balance of magic that’s off, it’s…”
“It’s as if the glamour was removed,” Mac finished her thought.
Gently putting Blythe down, Zelda picked up Annie Surely and examined her wounds. “Exactly. But was a glamour ever put on this town? I can’t feel it if it was.”
“Me neither,” Sassy agreed. “If it was glamoured or warded, it wasn’t a witch or warlock who did it. Should we consult Baba Yoknowitall?”
“Nope.” Zelda put a healed Annie Surely down and gently patted her head. “This is my town and I’ll solve the problem. Is there any record of the history of magic for the town?”
“Oh shit,” I said with a mouth full of cookie. “Pun intended, by the way.”
“Dude,” Zelda said, eyeing me. “Swallow the cookie and finish the thought or you're gonna lose a nard.”
“I like her,” Poutine said with a giggle. “She’s vicious.”
“Thank you,” Zelda replied to Poutine. “I’m also materialistic, and I try to have a shitty attitude at all times. However, that’s been a failure as of late. I’m too fucking happy.”
Mac laughed and planted a kiss on the top of his mate’s head. “Too bad. So sad. However, I think I know where Fat Bastard was going with his crappy pun.”
“Youse just made a pun,” I accused Mac with a chuckle.
“Yep. Couldn’t help myself,” Mac replied grinning. “As the story goes, there was an Assjackian historian who went by the name of Goober. He used the historical journals to wipe his ass when he ran out of toilet paper a few hundred years ago. Apparently, everyone was so pissed, he was chased out of town never to be heard from again.”
“Goober, you say?” Poutine asked, her ears perking up with interest.
Mac nodded.
“Was he a Shifter?” Blythe inquired, glancing over at Poutine.
“Probably,” Mac confirmed. “But it was before I was alive and the records are gone, so it’s a guess on my part. Why?”
Annie Surely snapped her fingers and produced a little notebook, reading glasses and a pen. “Well,” she said, flipping the pages. “While most Shifters don’t match their names with their breed, those that begin with the letter G often do—gerbils, giraffes, gazelles, geckos, goldfish.”
“Shut the front door,” Zelda said with a grunt of disbelief. “There are goldfish shifters?”
Mac laughed. “Umm… no,” he said. “However, the rest of the list is accurate.”
“But Zorro is a goat
