The humans were packing into Assjacket like tuna in a can. It was terrible. Zelda nodded and stayed low.
“Goddess on high, please hear my call,
Our problem today centers around a testicle ball.
And yep, I realize you think I’m drunk,
But my desperate plea is to repair Sturgill’s junk.
The humans have come. The humans must go,
Their presence in Assjacket is fucking up the magical flow.
The end of enchantment draws near if we drop guard,
Bless us with your grace and reattach the bear’s umm… nard.”
“So mote it be,” Sassy whispered. “The f-bomb was inspired.”
“Thank you,” Zelda said.
The Goddess heard. In a gust of sparkling lavender-scented wind, the wrinkled stone grapes floated back to their rightful home. The humans grew confused and slowly began to leave the town. The buses filled and screeched away. The man looking to buy the town shook his head in disgust at the rundown appearance, got into his expensive car and left quickly. The Assjacket Diner emptied and humans literally ran away. It was a beautiful sight.
And Sturgill?
The half-headed cement bear had a smile on his face. And I swear the son of a bitch winked at me.
“All’s well that ends well,” Zelda said, sitting down on the bench in front of Sturgill and watching the mass exodus of humans. “But I still don’t understand the part about toilet paper being expensive.”
“I do,” Fucking Derrick announced, coming out from behind Jango’s ample ass with his hand raised politely.
Zelda sighed and eyed the little freak with trepidation. “If it has to do with eating anyone, I don’t want to hear it.”
Fucking Derrick laughed like Zelda had made the best joke ever. After three minutes and forty-two seconds of uncontrollable guffawing, the tiny asshole got ahold of himself. “Goober didn’t use the Assjacket history to wipe his ass. He sold the magical secrets and let everyone think he’d flushed it, so he wasn’t killed for being a traitor.”
Mac growled and Zelda began to spark again. “So, someone else has the secrets to end the magical Universe?” she ground out.
Poutine and the gals gasped. Jango chuckled and Boba shook his head. I simply grinned. That Goddess was a sneaky one.
“Toilet paper is very expensive… according to the Goddess,” I reminded my witch.
She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Unreal.”
“What’s unreal?” Sassy asked, confused as usual. “I mean, I totally agree that toilet paper is expensive. My chipmunk sons go through so much, I made them start pooping in the woods and using leaves. It was out of control. I can’t even tell you how many potties have gotten backed up because of their healthy and enormous pooping habits. You’d think such small little guys wouldn’t be able to lay cable like they do.”
“That was entirely TMI,” Zelda told Sassy.
“Oops, my bad,” Sassy said with a giggle. “But I still don’t get it.”
“May I?” I asked my witch.
“You may,” Zelda replied.
“Goober the cross-eyed jackhole sold the secrets to the Goddess—which is what she was tellin’ us in her cryptic way,” I explained to Sassy. “Dat groundhog was an evil dumbass.”
“Glad I ate him,” Fucking Derrick chimed in.
“Zip it,” Zelda warned.
“Got it,” he replied, saluting Zelda.
“So, no one else is comin’ to steal Sturgill’s gangoolies,” I said. “Weese have solved it with the help of some hot dames and a tiny maniac. The bear has his balls, and Assjacket is safe.”
“This calls for some Canadian beer,” Sassy announced, waving her hand and conjuring up a full bar in the middle of Main Street.
“Umm… it’s seven AM in the morning,” Zelda pointed out with a laugh.
“But,” I said with a wide grin. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
“Can’t argue that,” she agreed, popping a tab. “To Fat Bastard, Jango Fett, Boba Fett, Poutine, Annie Surely, Blythe and… Fucking Derrick, who is now a vegetarian.”
“I am?” Fucking Derrick asked.
“You are,” Zelda informed him with a dangerously raised brow.
“Got it!” he said. “Vegetarian.”
I glanced around and smiled. Life was perfect. Sturgill had his nugs again. Assjacket was back to normal and the magic in the Universe was safe. But the very best part… was that the love of my life was by my side throwing back Canadian beer like it was water. My pride swelled. My dame could hold her booze.
“Youse wanna go shoppin’ today?” I whispered, waggling my brows.
“For what?” she asked, feigning boredom.
I had the broad’s number. She might play like she didn’t give a crap, but the sparkle in her eyes gave her away.
“For a rock.”
“A huge one?” she inquired casually.
“Massive,” I told her.
“Enormous?”
“Biggest youse have ever seen,” I promised.
“Stolen?” she pressed.
“Absolutely.” I knew I was supposed to be on the right side of the law this week, but Poutine’s happiness was worth losing a dare over.
Poutine grinned and her fluffy tail twitched. It made my heart sing.
“I’m in,” she said, tossing her beer in the trash and taking my paw in hers. “For the rest of my nine lives, I’m in.”
More beautiful words had never been spoken. Looking up at the sky, I winked at the Goddess.
“Thank youse,” I whispered. “Don’t know what a guy like me did to deserve a dame like her, but I promise to love her with all of my criminal heart.”
The sun grew brighter in the sky and a shower of silver and lavender crystals rained down from the clouds. My friends and family danced in the magic.
I was a bad boy. But sometimes even bad boys came out on top. Jango, Boba and me had been through a lot in our kitty lives, but we’d always had each other’s backs. Now we had friends, family, an asshole troll to take care of, and love.
The Bad Boys of Assjacket had turned out just fine.
Epilogue
Once upon a time in the far, far away kingdom of West Virginia, there was an exquisitely enchanted place called Assjacket.
And yes, I do know the original name of Assjacket, but I’m not going to tell.
The enchanted town of Assjacket was filled with beautiful magical misfits who
