“Dollface, weese have an issue,” I said, sweating up a storm as the nards dropped to the ground for the tenth time.
Nothing was working—not glue, not paste. We’d even tried chewed up bubble gum. The balls were not cooperating. It was a tragedy waiting to happen.
“Women rub their eyes in the morning because they don’t have balls,” Fucking Derrick said from underneath Boba.
“Who said that?” Zelda questioned, glancing around warily.
“Fuckin’ Derrick,” I told her. “It’s a long story, but the little asshole saved the day. He’s socially unacceptable and has a few bad habits, but weese are his friends.”
“Little confused here,” Zelda said as she was joined by Mac, Sassy and Jeeves. “Does Fucking Derrick know how to re-glamour Assjacket? And where is he? I can hear him but I can’t see him. Is he that tiny?”
“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Fucking Derrick said, rolling out from underneath Boba.
Zelda screamed and Sassy squealed in horror. Mac and Jeeves stared at the bloody little man with open mouths. I couldn’t blame them. The troll was a hot mess, but he was our hot mess and we were keeping him.
“Fuckin’ Derrick is lookin’ a little rough at the moment,” I conceded, patting the tiny asshole on the head. “But as soon as weese clean him up and get him a new pair of gauchos, he’ll be as good as new.
“Mmkay,” Zelda said, unconvinced. “Still not understanding why you’re trying to glue Sturgill’s privates back on.”
“They’re the talisman,” Poutine explained. “The nuts are the keys to the magical glamour of Assjacket.”
“Not sure how you reached that conclusion,” Zelda said, groaning as another bus load of humans arrived in town.
“Excuse me,” a man said, barging into our conversation. “I’d like to buy the town. Do you know who I can talk to about that?”
Zelda’s mouth dropped open, and she shoved her sparking hands into her pockets so she didn’t zap the man sky high. Mac, thinking quick on his feet, stepped between Zelda and the human.
“The real estate office is about twenty miles down the road,” Mac told him. “You’ll have to walk. The road turns into a trail and a car won’t fit.”
“Thank you!” the man said, wandering away. “I want to buy this place, tear it down and put up condos. I have a great feeling I could make a killing here—it’s got a real magical feel if you know what I mean.”
“There’s no real estate office twenty miles away,” Sassy said, squinting at Mac.
“Yep,” Mac replied. “I know.”
“Ohhhhh!” Sassy slapped her forehead. “I get it.”
“Weese need help,” I said, frantically trying to reattach the giggle nuggets. “Dem humans will go away if Sturgill gets his junk back.”
Zelda was still perplexed. Grabbing the balls from my paws, she squatted down and looked me in the eye. “I can cast a spell. I really don’t want to do that with a human audience, but convince me why the nuts are the key.”
Poutine moved to my side. “It’s in the Goddess’s message. She said the key to history was in the name. The name was Goober—he was one of the groundhogs who was in the pokey.”
“Keep going,” Zelda said.
Poutine nodded. I put my paw around her furry shoulders. My dame was amazing.
“The answer to the riddle of why women rub their eyes in the morning is because they have no balls,” Poutine went on. “Like Sturgill.”
“Fuckin’ Derrick helped us with dat one,” I chimed in.
“Yes, I did,” Fucking Derrick said, pumping his tiny fists over his head.
Zelda scrubbed her hands over her mouth and tried not to laugh at the troll. She glanced up at Mac who shrugged and shook his head.
“Mmmkay,” Zelda said, covertly wiggling her fingers and removing the blood and guts from Fucking Derrick. “You’re beginning to persuade me, but there has to be more.”
“There is,” Poutine explained. “The groundhogs stole the gangoolies, and Goober the groundhog is the one who stole the history—hence the key being in the name. He came back to steal the nards to take revenge on Assjacket for banishing him. We put two and two together and here we are.”
“What about toilet paper being expensive?” Zelda asked, still not a hundred percent on board.
“No clue on dat one, other dan it’s true. Ass paper is expensive,” I told her.
“Surround Zelda, eh?” Sassy insisted, taking charge. “We can hide her while she casts a spell. I didn’t follow any of that, but I know aboot trust and I trust the cats.”
I grinned at Sassy. She grinned right back.
“Fine,” Zelda said, taking in the human chaos around us with a pained expression. “Desperate times occasionally call for possibly stupid measures, but I trust the cats as well.”
Zelda took a deep breath, and we stayed close. Fucking Derrick hopped up on her shoulder much to Zelda’s horrified surprise, but she went with it. At least he wasn’t covered in guts anymore.
“Is this completely necessary?” Zelda asked the troll.
“Oh yes,” Fucking Derrick said with a giggle. “I shall watch to see if any humans observe what you are doing and, if so, I will eat them.”
Zelda paled. “Someone tell me he’s joking.”
No one said a word.
“Alrighty then,” Zelda said with a gag. “Can I ask one more question?”
“Shoot, dollface,” I told her.
“What happened to the groundhogs?”
Again, no one said a word. We all just glanced up at Fucking Derrick who patted his full belly and burped.
Closing her eyes and groaning, Zelda gently plucked Fucking Derrick off her shoulder and put him on the ground. “There will be no eating humans. Am I clear? I will kick your little troll ass so hard, your sphincter will be lodged in your mouth for the rest of time. You feel me, Fucking Derrick?”
“I do, O’ Great One. No eating humans. Got it,” Fucking Derrick said crossing his heart then hiding behind Jango Fett.
My witch could instill terror in anyone, even a maniacal troll. Zelda was going to be a fantastic Baba Yaga when her time came.
“Zelda,” Mac said
