Blood and fur were flying. Boba was getting buried alive, and I wasn’t sure who was winning. We were still breathing, but it wasn’t looking good.
“Six against six,” Jango yelled as he went paw to paw with one of the hogs. “Everybody pick a hog!”
“Shrakullshiakum. Ashevebag dugainsakum ashiizz,” Fucking Derrick screamed as he ran out from behind the rock completely on fire.
It was f-ing insane. Even the hogs were impressed.
“What did he say?” I asked, dodging blow after blow. They were all now gunning for me since I had the nards in my mouth.
“He said, bullshit. Seven against six,” Poutine yelled as she took a flying leap and attacked the groundhogs that were sneaking up on me from behind.
“Fuckin’ Derrick,” I shouted. “Youse be careful, little man.”
“Fucking Derrick guakun gulungrzag!” the troll grunted, running toward the smackdown like a well-aimed bullet shot straight from the bowels of hell.
His mouth was wide open and his sharp little teeth glowed. The troll’s purple eyes were wild and his gauchos were flaming. It was like the best/worst B horror movie I’d ever seen. It was a truly gorgeous sight.
“Did he say what I think he said?” I called out as I tried to dig Boba out of the hole while protecting the treasure in my mouth.
“If you thought he said he was hungry, then yes,” Poutine answered as she and the girls clawed the groundhogs like there was no tomorrow.
At this point, I wasn’t sure any of us would see tomorrow.
“I hakovuth gorotu,” Fucking Derrick cried out. “Ushhiakun guakun guoum glogzag guriendakun.”
“Take cover,” I commanded as I yanked Boba out of the hole by the scruff of his neck and got under a bush. “Fuckin’ Derrick is gonna have a snack.”
“No f-in’ way,” Jango choked out as he covered the gals with his girthy frame. “Dat’s disgusting. Fuckin’ Derrick is the man!”
What we saw, none of us would ever be able to speak about. It was the most horrifying display of a psychotic troll break that I’d ever witnessed. The groundhogs hadn’t even seen it coming.
I mean, who would have seen that coming? The troll was tiny. The fact that he could actually ingest six large groundhog Shifters was beyond medical and scientific logic. But then again, magic defied logic and Fucking Derrick defied every law of nature on the books—magic or no.
“Holy Goddess,” Poutine said with a wince as we watched Fucking Derrick do his thing.
I really wanted to look away, but to honor the foul cannibalistic sacrifice the troll was making I kept my eyes on the debacle. “What did he say before he, umm… youse know…”
Poutine gagged a bit then pulled herself together. “He said that he loves us and that this is for his friends.”
Slapping my paw to my forehead, I sighed and tried not to puke. “Youse do realize weese are stuck with him forever now.”
“Yep,” Poutine said. “Forever.”
“Fat Bastard,” Fucking Derrick called out, covered from head to toe in groundhog blood and guts. “Shall I spare Goober or can I eat him?”
“I will kill all of you,” Goober shouted, going for Fucking Derrick’s neck with his toxic claws extended. “Everyone dies today!”
“Eat him,” I instructed. “He’s an asshole.”
Fucking Derrick did as he was told.
The troll was certifiable, but that was already a given.
He was also the hero.
And that would never be forgotten. The new Assjackian history journals would honor Fucking Derrick’s revolting sacrifice for the rest of time.
Chapter Fifteen
The streets of Assjacket were filled with humans mulling about. It was wrong on every level. The sun had barely risen, and the town was inundated with people who didn’t belong.
“Act like cats,” I hissed as we moseyed down Main Street trying to avoid getting stepped on by curious and pushy humans. “Weese have to get to Sturgill fast. This is out of control.”
Wanda had put out a closed sign on the diner, but it didn’t deter the humans from barging in and demanding service. Mac and Zelda looked exhausted and defeated as they stood in the middle of the street unsure what to do. Sassy and Jeeves had joined them and were as bewildered as my witch and her mate.
“Weese need to tell Zelda dat weese got the balls,” Jango said, running interference so the dames didn’t get squished.
“She don’t know about the significance of the nards,” I reminded him, as I weaved in and out of the humans. “Weese just need to glue dem back on and den explain.”
“Roger dat,” Boba said, trying to hide the blood and guts covered Fucking Derrick behind him.
The excitement of the humans ramped up as more arrived by the busload. They had no clue they were immersed in magic, but they knew something was very special about the small town. The situation was bad—very bad.
“Should we poof to Sturgill?” Poutine asked, worried. “It could take an hour to get through this mess if we have to behave like regular cats.”
“Too risky,” I said. “Weese gotta trot. Fuckin’ Derrick, get under Boba’s belly and hang on. Weese don’t want youse gettin’ spotted. Youse are kinda hard to explain.”
“Not a problem, friend,” Fucking Derrick said as he barnacled his little body under Boba.
“Dat tickles,” Boba said with a giggle.
“Suck it up,” I told him. “Weese got some magical surgery to do and no time to lose.”
Getting to Sturgill ended up being the easy part even though we’d all gotten stepped on multiple times. Repairing his junk was another matter altogether. I knew our actions might look a little iffy to the humans, but at this point we didn't have a choice.
“We’re about to be discovered by humans, and you’re trying to superglue balls back on a statue?” Zelda demanded, pushing through the mass of people
