“Oh my Goddess,” Blythe said. “They’re grabbing the sledgehammers. They’re going to crush Sturgill’s nuts.”
“Not today they’re not,” Fucking Derrick said, bursting out of the ground by our feet with a mouth full of dirt.
“Youse ain’t dead,” Boba said, hugging the filthy little troll. “Youse is alive! And, umm… seriously in need of a bath.”
Fucking Derrick grinned and adjusted his gauchos. “I heard everything you said about me. I love all of you so much I’m not sure I can contain it.”
That was concerning. Fucking Derrick’s purple eyes were dilated, and the tiny dude was breathing erratically. He looked like a tsunami about to blow.
“It’s been an hour,” Poutine said, checking her pilfered watch.
“What?” I asked, not following.
“An hour,” she repeated. “Fucking Derrick wasn’t due for another tantrum for an hour. The hour is up.”
My brain clicked. My grin grew devious and wide. The timing was either perfect, or we were all about to bite it.
“Fuckin’ Derrick,” I said, grabbing the troll by the shoulders and looking him in the eye. “Youse need to suck dat shit up until I give youse the okay. Youse feel me?”
He was panting now and his expression was terrifying. He nodded spastically. “I can hold it for another few minutes and then it’s going to rip.”
“Dat’s all weese need,” I promised. “Poutine, youse and the gals will cause a diversion. Poof in on the far-left side of the camp and beat the shit out of each other.”
“Roger that,” she said, extending her claws and gathering her girls close. “Lots of blood, high pitched hissing and chunks of fur flying.”
“Perfect,” I said, all business. “Jango and Boba, weese will go right for the nards. Flank me and fend off the hogs.”
“What am I going to do?” Fucking Derrick asked, ready to blow.
I grinned. “Youse are going to shoot the biggest fireballs out of your nose dat youse have ever shot… at us.”
The troll started to cry. “But I love you. I don’t want to eighty-six you.”
Boba and Jango slapped each other high fives and laughed. We’d developed many skills over the years. One of them was to redirect the magic shot at us onto someone other than the one who had attacked. Of course, we’d never actually used it in battle, but today seemed like a good day to try it out.
If magic was destroyed, we were goners anyway. If we were going out, we may as well go out spectacularly.
“Youse ain’t gonna kill us,” I promised an on-edge Fucking Derrick. “But I want youse to get behind dat big rock on the right side of the camp when youse have your psychotic break. Youse feel me? Dat way if what weese do goes wonky, youse will survive it.”
“I can do that,” Fucking Derrick said, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “And I do love you.”
“And weese love youse too,” I said, shaking my head. “The goal is the balls. The rest is for fun. On three?”
“On three,” Poutine said. “Let’s save the magical Universe.”
Chapter Fourteen
“No!” Goober snarled, coming at me with his razor-sharp claws raised high and his ugly mug contorted with fury. “Those are mine.”
“Not anymore,” I shot back as I grabbed the giblets off the altar and shoved them into my mouth.
The reality of Sturgill’s nuts in my mouth was alarming, but I needed all four paws to fight the hogs. The mouth thing was a last-minute decision. I hadn’t thought that part through. At least they were stone. It would have been a lot more difficult if they were squishy.
“Whatever youse do, don’t swallow dem nuts,” Jango said as he took a blast from Fucking Derrick and redirected it at the aggressive and out-of-control groundhogs.
“Don’t matter if he swallows dem,” Boba pointed out as he slashed his way out of a choke hold. “Fat Bastard can crap dem out. No biggie.”
I rolled my eyes and took a searing hit from Fucking Derrick, pushing it onto a shocked and enraged cross-eyed Goober. “I’m not crappin’ out Sturgill’s giggle nuggets,” I told them with my mouth full. “Not happenin’.”
“Give me back the talisman,” Goober bellowed, baring his teeth and brandishing his knife-like claws.
I wasn’t sure who the dude was looking at. The angrier he got the more his eyeballs rolled around. At this point, one was looking left and one was looking right.
“Youse talkin’ to me?” I grunted, taking another hit from Fucking Derrick and sending it straight at Goober.
“Yes, I’m talking to you,” Goober hissed, gnashing his teeth. “You will die today, cat. And then the magic will follow. I will be avenged!”
“For what?” I demanded. “For wipin’ your ass with the sacred papers? I mean, dat was pretty fuckin’ stupid.”
Goober laughed like a maniac. “I didn’t wipe my ass with the journals, I stole them and sold them. The ass wiping was a brilliant cover. Getting run out of town and letting them think the journals were covered in poo and flushed down the toilet was better than being killed for betrayal. I got paid a lot of money for those papers.”
“Youse are a douche,” I growled. “Why would youse sell the f-in’ history?”
Goober turned purple with rage. “Because I want to rule the Universe.”
I squinted at the idiot. “Den why didn’t youse keep it? Seems pretty dumbass to me.”
“Yes, well, I figured that out after I sold them,” he admitted, diving at me and getting a vicious swipe across my face that almost made me spit the nards out of my mouth. “So, now, everyone dies. And you will be first.”
“Not today, asshat,” I snarled, hoping I was telling the truth. The odds were bad. Goober and his gang were f-ing lethal.
“I’m not the only one who knows the secret of the dong pillow,” Goober kept monologuing. “If you defeat me—which you won’t—there are others who will come.”
“Who? The idiot dat youse were stupid enough to sell dem secrets to?”
“Stop throwing that in my face,” he roared. “It’s embarrassing.”
While the plan was working,
