Sarah Beth James
All characters, settings, locations, and other content contained within this book are fictional and are the intellectual property of the author; any likenesses are coincidental and unknown to author and publisher at the time of publication. This work and its components may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
Cover image by Lily Luchesi of Partners in Crime Book Services
Editing and interior formatting by Lily Luchesi of Partners in Crime Book Services
© 2020 Sarah Beth James
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Dedication
To all the people who have spent my entire life telling me I will never be good enough, doing their best to break me. I’m still here, still fighting. You didn’t win and you never will.
Dedicated to those who have been there for me through everything, you know who you are.
Chapter 1
The problem was that movies, books and the entertainment world gave me a false viewpoint on the real world. A screwed-up idea that love was real, the whole knight in shining armour swooping in to save the fair maiden true love bullshit. That, however hard things were in your life, you would always have someone there for you. A family, friends, love, someone, perhaps not to save you per se, but to allow you to save yourself with their support. To pull you back from the edge when you needed it. Someone to notice when you were breaking. To listen, or to get drunk with you, or even just to hold you as the tears started to fall.
The reality was always much different than that. You ended up alone, desperate for something or someone to hold onto to stop you from drowning in the endless ocean of pain. Begging for help from loved ones, medical services, depression groups and councillors only to be abandoned. Left to live or die under your own power. Trying to struggle through everything completely alone when you just felt so heart sick and exhausted, you wanted to do nothing apart from sleep for a few years. Your heart hardens as you start to understand that no one actually cares. That if you were gone, if this were your last night on earth, no one would try to save you; hell it was doubtful if anyone would even notice you were gone until they required something from you.
Of course, it wasn’t always that way.
Once upon a time, almost too long ago to recall. There had been one person, one wonderful, beautiful, amazing, pure person whom I had deeply and passionately loved. The only man that I ever had. We had been through everything together. I gave him my heart, my trust, the whole of me. And in the end, he had betrayed me also. Leaving me a broken husk of a person that could not be saved. Now I was all alone in the world.
Which is how I ended up here, in Dublin city, on the banks of the Liffey late at night staring into the water. Not sure if I was going to walk away, go back to a bar and get myself shitfaced trying to forget him or just give up and jump in, forget all of my pain and just be free of everything. Why Dublin of all places? I wasn’t entirely sure. I had always wanted to visit, and never had the chance to. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was ticking off a bucket list of sorts. Or perhaps I was just trying to recapture something long since lost. Or I was just trying to find any reason to hold on and not do this. I hadn’t been expecting any answers. No guardian angel swooping in to save me. No knight in shining armour, hell not even one in rusted armour. I knew inside that this was the end for me.
I idly checked my phone; he didn’t message me, of course not. Even though his icon was blinking as online. I was sure if I checked that his new toxic partner would be online as well, more than likely crowing over the fact he finally forced us apart forever. All we were to each other, all we endured, and me spending half my lifetime keeping him alive. Giving him anything and everything he needed, day or night whatever the time zone, and here I was. Shucked off like a used condom. The fair-weather friends surrounding him, talking trash about me, turning him from both my friendship and my love. I was kind of used to it. The fame, the leeches around him, they often pulled us apart until he manned up enough to say no. He always saw through it all eventually and returned full of apologies and promising it would never happen again. But it always did, a few months later. And this time, I was certain he left for good. He made his foolish choices, and I did what I had to.
The one thing I knew I had to do was free myself. Remove the pain locked so deeply inside of my heart and soul. I texted him one last goodbye before throwing the phone into the river. He would never be able to contact me again, even if this did go wrong and somehow yet again, I survived. I sighed, staring into the waters trying to find one last moment of inner strength to make that jump. Watching the bubbles as the phone sunk to the depths never to be seen again. I heard someone behind me clear their throat, I ignored them. I cared not for the words of a random stranger.
“Young lady, as I am not entirely sure if you are admiring the wonderful view of our city or considering throwing yourself in, may I please assure ye that the water is freezing and offer to buy
