“Can we try? Work through it and be friends? I do mean it, I can be better, honest,” he said, reaching for my hand, half for comfort and half to look at my ring.
I pulled my hand back. “I don’t know, I really do not. I love you, you are my best friend, you always will be, but I can’t even bear to look at you. Your voice was once my peace, now it makes me want to throw up. I don’t feel safe around you.”
“Is there anything I can do to change that?” he asked, “Gifts, hugs, walks on the beach, anything at all?”
I shrugged. “I really do not know, I told you that. I can barely even be at this table with you.”
“Will you let me try at least?”
I looked into his eyes, the begging in them for a shot. “I guess, but I promise nothing. It may not make a difference; I won’t lead you on that is your trick not mine. I have a seriously busy life now. With my drawing for album covers, Adrian, the tours, the band. I even have some solo singing coming up.”
“That is good, I am proud of you. Are you happier?”
“Yeah, I am. He gives me all the things that you never could. We are equals, on the tour and off of it. I have my own career, my own money, my own life. I choose to spend my spare time with him, I don’t have to. I have tour merch designs, more covers to draw. I love my art. There are a good six artists I work with now, and more to come. Yes, I feel guilty he paid off the debts your asshole lover left me in and gave me money to set up, but now I have the means to repay that. If he doesn’t wait it, fair play, I will give it to a children’s arts charity.”
He sighed, drinking his coffee. “I do regret not paying your way to start with, giving you that security and taking you on tour with me. Maybe we would have made it if we had.”
“I would have gone; I would have given everything up for you,” I stated.
“That is why I didn’t, I didn’t want you to give up anything for me. I felt like you were just tagging along for my sake.”
“It wasn’t giving up anything exactly, it was finding a way to make this work for both of us.”
“I wish I had that conversation with you then, not now and not run away like a child. Avoiding you.”
“I wish you had too,” I admitted.
“Can I hold you?” he asked.
I came for the briefest of hugs breathing in his aftershave. I missed him, missed this, but now it all felt so wrong. “I should go, I am sorry, Adrian is waiting for me.”
He pulled back. “Okay, but if you want to fix this. Just know I am happy to take this slow and steady to rebuild the friendship. I am all in. I am sorry it took me this long to say that. Being without you is the hardest thing in the world for me. I need my best friend. Even if you can’t even say my name anymore.”
I bit my lip, reaching out to stroke his face. “Tony, you are all in now. I was all in for years. Begging you, pleading with you, trying everything to make this work. You always threw me away. I am sorry, but I am not in the place right now to work on ‘us’, not even as friends. Equally, I do not want to shut the door forever or just become casual friends who text over the holidays. That just betrays everything that we ever were. You still have that man in your life, even after all he did to me and that just sickens me. I could never be around someone who tried to kill you. He would be locked up under so many restraining orders he would never see daylight again.”
“I am not ready to give up on either of you.”
“You may have to accept that having both of us is impossible,” I said firmly. “Look, I need to go. If you want to try to fix stuff, then try. I am not promising I will answer, or it will help any. I need to focus on my fiancé and the new life I am building with him. I gave you everything I had for half of my life. I need this for me. You allowed us to poison for far too long to just come back here and demand that we try again!” I bit my lip drawing blood trying not to cry. I would not cry in front of him, not again.
“I understand and know that I love you and I respect you. I am so deeply sorry for everything I did.” He promised.
“Sometimes love just is not enough.” I pushed through the door making my way back to the car on instinct.
“Oh god,” Adrian exclaimed, seeing me before pulling me into his arms. “What did he do?”
“He gave me everything I had ever asked or fought for.” I sobbed into his chest.
“Okay, and? I am not seeing the issue here darling?”
“I think it is too late.”
“Oh, my love, it is never too late if you want it. Look at us.”
“I don’t know if I do want it anymore.”
“Then, take some
