I took it with delight, snapping pictures of everywhere around them. Running ahead to explore. Working out all the best angles to create a sketch from. I would want to remember this place for a long time.
Adrian followed behind, he picked over the bigger stones as he walked, picking up the odd piece of polished sea glass or a pretty shell. Stashing them in a pocket to decorate his home. He had a bowl of cleaned shells from the beach in his bathroom. A little reminder of this magical place when he felt low, which could be often given his isolated work. He pointed out the views of Dalkey Island and Brayhead, going full on tour guide as we walked. It wasn’t as cold as it could have been and mostly dry. We picked a good day to come. The October day was as warm and clear as if it were summer.
When we had walked for a while, he pulled me to one side. Stretching his jacket over the damp stones for her to sit on. As he unpacked the picnic, dropping cans of soda into the edge of the water to stay cold. Sharing the meal with me in almost silence, the view taking precedence over words.
“Thank you for bringing me here,” I said quietly.
“So,” he asked, packing the remains away, “do ye want to tell me what that man did to you or do I have to get youse drunk again first?”
I sighed, fiddling with the soda can in my hands. “Drunk would be far easier.”
He nodded. “I get that, but what if I offer to make a nice dinner for youse tonight? With as much wine as ye like and homecooked Italian?”
I still hesitated.
“Just tell me what ye can, and then stop when it gets too much,” he suggested.
I shrugged. “We were best friends for longer than I can remember. Before he got famous, while he was still struggling as an artist. Starving and with nowhere to stay. We shared money and he crashed on my sofa. We were there for each other through everything, break ups, health scares, homelessness, abuse, so fucking much. I never thought anything could break us and certainly not the fucking fame.” Draining the soda can, I added, “Sounds perfect, I guess. The kind of friendship that everyone should have, but sadly few gain.”
Adrian reached out to touch my shoulder as I wiped away tears, but I waved him off. Now I started, I didn’t dare stop or it would overwhelm me completely. “Yeah, it was perfect. It was everything that I ever wanted. He was the only family I ever had. He made me feel safe, loved, wanted. Like I had a place in the world. He was someone who needed me, not just used me like almost every other human I ever met. “
When I paused for air, he rubbed my shoulder. “So, what happened? How could you lose someone that close to youse?”
I shrugged. “The fame made it harder, but we tried our best. Time zones, tours, recording studios. There was always a reason to give up and stop trying. Social media apps made it survivable if not easy. One of us always ended up staying up all night to communicate with the other. Good morning and goodnight texts were often all we could manage, but we always kept on trying. Movie nights over Skype, online gaming together. He would stay on the phone with me all night so I could sleep without the nightmares from my past.”
“Did youse never try to go to him? Surely, ye could have been a runner or a backing singer? There are always places on tour for friends,” Adrian asked. The glare I gave him made it clear it was a sore subject even before I snapped back at him.
“Yeah, well, the fame game whores kept telling him that I was a gold digger. That I would ruin his career. That I could never understand who he really was. Even though I never touched a fucking single penny of his! I even used to buy him lunch! But no, they kept spreading their shit, dumbing him down with drink and drugs. Convincing him that he didn’t need me anymore. Now and then he would see through their bs’s and come back to me so I could get him sober again. But, eventually, I would lose him back to them as I was so far away. They would dope him up again, and months would pass before we could speak again. It was them who eventually broke up our relationship. Convincing him to cheat while he was touring. Telling him it didn’t count as I hadn’t bothered to come on tour, even though I fought to be allowed to come and refused. Blaming me always for everything he did when it was all them! Always them!” I was up and pacing now in pure anger at the sore memories.
Anger was coming off of me in waves. “The friends are what finally lost youse the guy?” he asked.
I started shredding a piece of seaweed just for something for my hands to do as I stared into the ocean, unable to face him. “No, in the end, the man he cheated with came back. And wanted us all three to become friends. I didn’t want that; I knew how it would end. We talked about trying again, a fresh start as lovers and me going on the next tour. We finally sorted through all the baggage, and we were happy so happy together. So much so, I stupidly let his ex back into our lives and our movie nights. I tried to make room for his friend. To trust that we were secure enough he would never cheat again, not when we
