I knew she was standing there, watching me. I knew she was scared, and worried, but it didn't matter to me.
“Why did you have to do that?” I asked, spinning around on her. Her eyes were wide with hesitancy. She looked frightened, and I knew it was because of me.
“Do what? Kiss you? I thought-”
“You thought wrong,” I interrupted, knowing her words, because I knew they were true. She thought I had wanted to kiss her, and I had. She thought we were heading in that direction, and we were. But someone had to stop it, so I did.
She narrowed her eyes, and I saw her hands ball into fists. “No, I think I thought right. I think you're just playing chicken because you're worried over what everyone else thinks, and it doesn't matter what they think!” she yelled at me.
“It matters to me!” I yelled back, shaking my head.
She pushed me, and I hit the trunk of the car. I had nearly expected the reaction. I knew there was a fire that grew inside of her, and it would explode when she was angry.
I didn't touch her. I just stared at her, somewhere between disbelieving and fear. I'll also admit, I knew I felt like a martyr for being the one to nip this in the bud, but knew she viewed me as the villain.
“What is it, Falon? Is it about you or me this time? Are we going to talk about how you're a monster and people will never stop judging you, or is this about me and my childish look on everything? I'm just being naïve in thinking that something so disturbing could ever work,” she said, her voice spilling every bit of sarcasm she had into her words.
“You are!” I told her, pushing myself away from the car. “This isn't natural, Julie. You deserve someone that doesn't look like I do,” I told her. I knew I was right.
Julie didn't see it that way. “And what do you deserve? If I was burnt like you, or deformed, or sick, then I'd be bad enough for you? Is that it?” she said.
“That's not what I mean-”
“Of course it is. You think that since something bad happened to you, that everything else that seems good has to turn bad too, and if it doesn't happen naturally, then you'll ruin it before it has a chance,” she said.
I was silent.
She took that as a defense, and it was. I wanted to end this, clean and clear, but Julie wasn't done.
“I haven't hid the way I feel about you. I've treated you the way I would treat any guy I liked, and I've been patient, and compassionate, and I keep trying and trying to break through that stupid wall that you put up everytime something good happens. I've been open with you, and honest, and I confided in you. I told you things I haven't told anyone, and you just throw it all back in my face because I don't fit the image of the type of girl you need,” she told me.
I watched her go into her own shell. I watched as the barriers fell over her. I became Thad, and it didn't pass me. Liam had warned me not to string her along because of him, and that was exactly what I had been doing because I didn't want to lose her.
Ever since we had met, it had all been leading to this: one final blowout. For us to be split apart, because there wasn't any chance that we could just be friends.
Julie was breathing heavily, and I knew she was waiting for me to argue back, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready, and she knew it.
“Just take me home,” she muttered, moving her eyes away from me and walking around to the passenger door.
It killed me. It really sliced open an old wound as I watched her leave me.
The tears in her eyes would do that to anyone.
♥
The silence was unbearable, but her face was even more difficult to take. I made it my mission not to look at her, because I knew how it would sting and constrict my chest. Especially since I knew it was there because of me.
When I finally pulled up to the curb, I looked at her. She was unbuckling her seat belt, and not paying me any mind.
“Julie, I'm sorry,” I told her, swallowing back the lump in my throat.
She stopped, and for the first time since we had left the restaurant, she met my eyes. The green hues that usually held such vibrancy looked dim, and faded.
“Stop trying to be the hero, Falon,” she told me, opening her door. “You're not saving anyone.”
With that, she got out, slammed my door, and walked away from me.
♥
I went inside without stopping to say anything to Ava. She was in her room, so I hoped she was asleep.
The last thing I wanted was to have a conversation about everything that had happened tonight.
What had happened tonight, you ask?
Well, I won.
Basketball Lotto had said nothing would change. We wouldn't take a step further in our relationship.
We didn't.
So I won. And I lost.
♥
I didn't want to wake up when the sun came up. I wanted to stay in bed and mourn and mope. It felt as if all of the life had been drained from my body, and all that was left was a shell.
This was what I had been before I met her. Just a person with no purpose, no hope, just here. I couldn't even constitute my life as living, because I hadn't know what living was until I had met her and Liam.
Now,
