With my mouth open, I stared at the restaurant from across the street. I couldn’t follow Hiroshi there because I was wearing sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt. Part of me wanted to wait for him outside and see what he did next. He would probably be there longer than it took to do my laundry. In the end, my common sense won out, but just for this once.
The next Friday, I went to do my laundry again at the exact same time, hoping Hiroshi would show up once more. This time I wore jeans and a new T-shirt. My heart was pounding so wildly that I felt sick the entire time. When the same car pulled up in front of the laundromat again, I almost threw up.
The following week, I postponed my laundry day until Saturday and had snagged a small single table at the restaurant. I was so nervous I couldn’t read the menu, and took the recommendation of the day.
When he appeared, I was briefly overcome with panic that he would see me in the corner, but he did not. He was sitting at the other end of the room and so far away that I could not easily see or hear him. This was because every single seat was enclosed with medium-height dark wood walls to give diners some privacy.
The restaurant was quite expensive. So expensive, in fact, that I wouldn’t be able to save a good chunk of the usual amount I set aside should I eat here every Friday. But I didn’t care.
The following Friday, I had a table assigned to me, which was on the backside of where he had sat the last time. Even the ends of my hair seemed to tingle as I recognized his voice. I could smell his aftershave as he took a seat at his table. We spent our dinner back to back. Again, I was barely able to eat, but I hadn’t ordered very much anyway. I was too spellbound by the fact that only a few millimeters of wood separated us. I imagined that I could feel the heat of his body against my back.
For weeks, no, months, that Friday night became my lifeblood; it made my life bearable. I forgot about my money problems or what circumstances I was living in. I even bought an expensive dress with which I would fit better in this restaurant.
And then it was over.
It felt worse than just being stood up when Hiroshi didn’t show up that Friday night.
I quickly had a plethora of explanations as to why he was late.
When it reached the time he usually left, I started finding excuses for why he wasn’t coming this time.
When Hiroshi also didn’t show up at the restaurant the following Friday, my doubts grew drastically. At first, I looked on the bright side. Because for the first time, I really tasted the food I was eating. It was delicious and more than worthy of its price. But when it became clear that he would not show up this time either, I suddenly felt sick.
It felt so much more painful than a simple disappointment or rejection. It was worse than the many times I learned that the people who had come to adopt a child had decided against me. It was so much more terrifying than the one time when the couple, who would have wanted me, took me back, like an animal you don’t like after all.
The third Friday when he didn’t come, I didn’t know what I felt anymore. Was I still hoping? Or was I already making excuses for him?
I didn’t wait for him when I was served my food because I told myself that I was an adult and strong. I didn’t need anyone. It was stupid to let my life revolve around a stranger.
I started to go numb again.
At least, that was how I convinced myself. Simply because I wanted it so much. But my inner torment was unbearable as if I were sore inside.
On the way back to my apartment, I paid no attention to my surroundings.
I didn’t care that it was already dark. It was my normal path, on which I usually encountered no one. It seemed as if there was an invisible border between the two neighborhoods. It separated the one where the restaurant was from the one where I lived.
Again and again, I swallowed forgivingly against the lump in my throat. At that moment, I deeply regretted not having accepted the nightcap that always came free with the bill. For a moment, I felt the temptation to go past the small supermarket and get something strong to drink.
Suddenly I froze, like a rabbit in front of a snake. In a flash, two strong arms had wrapped themselves around me, and a cloth with a strange smell was pressed over my nose and mouth. I was so frightened that I took a deep breath.
This was my last moment of freedom.
Chapter Two
Hiro
The first time I saw Kate Smith, I knew I had to have her. It’s hard to put this need into the right words because they make it sound simpler than it really is. And that would diminish her to an object, like a car, a house, or a gun.
It wouldn’t do her justice.
Her sadness called to me, and that’s the only reason I let her watch me. And the only reason she was allowed to see me.
I had to give in to that temptation. You don’t leave a starved kitten calling for you in the wet cold of winter, either. I may be a cold-blooded enforcer of my father’s family, but I am not a monster.
The day, six months ago, when I first saw Kate Smith,
