Uhmma nodded readily when I asked for permission to pick up more books from Jonathon. As I was leaving, Suna followed after me.
“I’m coming with you,” she said. “I know you’re going to look for Ysrael.”
“No, I’m not. I have to pick up some books from Jonathon,” I said and picked up my car keys.
“But then, you’re going to look for Ysrael,” she said stubbornly.
I couldn’t lie to her. I nodded.
We left together for Jonathon’s house and by the time we got there, I was grateful Suna was with me.
As we walked up Jonathon’s driveway, I reached down and squeezed her hand for comfort.
“Are you okay?” Suna whispered.
I turned to her, relieved that she was not still angry. Her forehead was creased with worry. I ran my hand along the smooth length of her hair and forced a smile on my face to reassure her.
When Jonathon opened the door, his eyes shifted between Suna and me. Finally, he held the door open wider. “Come on in.”
We stepped into the silent house. Jonathon pointed to the den off the kitchen.
“You can watch TV, Suna,” Jonathon said loudly.
“She can hear you,” I hissed at him.
Jonathon waved me off. “Your sister and I are going to be busy, so don’t just come wandering upstairs. We want privacy. Okay?” he said, his voice still cranked up.
Suna shrank back from Jonathon.
I held up my hand and mouthed, “Five minutes.”
Suna nodded.
I let go of her hand and walked upstairs.
Jonathon waited until I stepped inside and then rushed to close the door.
“Why did you have to bring your sister?” he asked angrily.
I shrugged. “She has to go to the library afterward,” I said.
“Yeah, right,” Jonathon snorted. “You don’t trust me? You think I’m gonna try something on you?”
I stepped over to his window, pretending I hadn’t heard him.
Jonathon walked over to his desk and picked up a CD.
“You want this?”
I stared at it for a moment. At what was being offered. And for once I didn’t care. All that had happened this morning, my betrayal of Ysrael, made every lie stand out for what it was. I studied the lines on my palm. I could choose another path.
Jonathon walked over to me.
“Take it,” he insisted with a look on his face, no different than when we were ten and fighting about who got to control the remote while our mothers gossiped in the kitchen. That same damn scrunched-up face. I reached out for him. Stepped toward him.
“Johnny. Please.”
His entire body sagged. The slope of his shoulders, the defiant jut of his chin, the anger in his eyes.
“Johnny. I never meant for everything to get so out of control. I didn’t know what to do. It just seemed so much easier to lie to my mom, to myself, to you, than face the truth. You know what I mean?” I asked him. He still wouldn’t look at me.
“You’re the only other person who knows how it is. The way they expect us to bring them the world. How much they need us to be perfect. Johnny, I know you understand. I just couldn’t disappoint her.”
Jonathon leaned his forearm on top of the window sash and rested his chin on the back of his hand. His voice was low and edged with tiredness. “What did you think you were doing, Mina? Why would you lead me on unless it was to use me. Explain that to me, Mina.”
Jonathon turned and faced me.
I breathed out slowly. I wanted to be honest with Jonathon. For once.
“I don’t know if I can even explain it to myself,” I said, my eyes steady on his. “I guess I wanted to like you. I wish I could have been what you wanted. But everything I had worked for was turning into a lie. Everything I was supposed to be.” I paused, trying to find the right words. “The only thing that I could hold on to was you. I wanted something to make sense. If we could be together, then I wasn’t just getting you to lie for me. It was like we were doing it for the thrill. To see what we could get away with. Like it was a game.”
Jonathon scowled. “It was never just a game with me,” he said.
“I tried to end it,” I said, fighting back. “But every time I tried to talk about it, you kept telling me that we could go slow. But then we never did. And that time, that last night . . .” I bowed my head so he couldn’t see the embarrassment coloring my face.
“But you didn’t say anything, Mina. You didn’t say no,” Jonathon stated.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was too scared to say anything. It happened so fast.”
“Jesus, Mina. We were on the bed. What did you think would happen?” Jonathon asked angrily.
I remembered the pain. The way I had dug my nails into my skin to keep myself from crying out, before I pushed him off me. Before it went any further. And how confused and horrible I felt as I grabbed my clothes off the floor and ran to the bathroom. Jonathon following after me. Knocking on the bathroom door, asking me if everything was all right.
I whispered, “It was my first. Time.”
Jonathon stepped away from me, his eyes still cast down. “Yeah, well. It was for me too.”
We were silent, the words we had spoken spiraling through the air like bits of dust caught in sunlight. The truth of Jonathon’s words spread out before me. All that bragging. All that posturing about how many girls he had dated.
Jonathon’s voice cracked as he spoke. “I just wanted a chance, Mina. I just wanted you to give us a chance. I thought I could convince you.”
I looked away, out the window, over the houses.
“There was this part of me that couldn’t quite believe you liked me. I mean, why
