I thought I could feel the pulse of his heart there in his palms. Felt the wild freedom of that beat traveling up my arm and into my own heart. Imagining a world of my own making. To be free of my lies and Uhmma. To start all over. With Ysrael. I lifted my eyes and met his gaze. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. At the hope that was offered so simply, like a child making a gift of crayon markings on paper. I couldn’t face hurting him again.
“Yes,” I said.
The rain continued to fall all around us. We were lying down in the backseat, a tangle of limbs and clothes and breaths. Our faces glistening with sweat, shining with wonder. I hovered above him, staring down at the summer brown of his eyes. One of his arms circled my waist. His other hand reached out for my face, his fingers tracing the arch of my cheekbone, brushing back a stray piece of my hair. He lifted his head as though to kiss me, but instead, licked the tip of my nose. I squirmed in his arms, laughing. He smiled. I lowered myself against his bare chest. He traced the ridges of my spine and lifted his head to kiss me. His lips lingering on mine with the faintest touch. Then gently, so gently, he took my bottom lip between his lips and softly sucked. I closed my eyes and smiled at the sensation. He drew back.
“I’ve wanted to do that from the day I met you,” he said.
“Oh, yeah?” I said and bit my lip, hiding it from him.
“Yeah,” he said and placed his thumb on the edge of my mouth. In a slow, purposeful arch, he traced and drew out my bottom lip. The intensity with which he stared at me, his eyes luminous and piercing, made me feel shy all of a sudden. I pressed my face into his neck and tasted the salt of his skin. He held me close, never pressing for anything more. He held me in his arms. For a minute. An hour. A lifetime.
I awoke with a start. Darkness filled the car.
“Oh, no, what time is it?” I sat up and grabbed my shirt from the floor of the car. “Suna’s waiting.”
Ysrael sat up slowly. “You were only asleep for ten minutes,” he said.
“Really?” I rubbed my eyes. “It felt like forever.”
“That’s what happens when you’re with me.”
“I fall asleep,” I joked and leaned in to kiss him.
He faked a hurt look and turned away.
I kissed his cheek and said reluctantly, “I have to get back soon.”
“Mina,” Ysrael said.
“Hmm,” I answered, preoccupied with finding my keys.
“I want you to listen to something,” he said and reached into the back pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a cassette. “I finished the song. The one I was working on at the beach. Will you listen to it?”
I nodded and took the tape, turning it over in my hands. Ysrael’s name was written along the spine of the tape cover and on the front was my name.
“Why does it feel like you’re trying to say good-bye,” I tried to joke.
Ysrael shrugged, his face barely visible in the darkness, but I could still see the sad smile on his face. “Just in case,” he said and touched my cheek.
I held his hand to my lips and kissed his palm, the tears welling up in my eyes.
“If I don’t see you tomorrow, I want you to come find me when you’re ready. I’m going to be at that music school. Maybe you can apply to college somewhere in San Francisco.”
I started to shake my head. “You won’t even remember me by then.”
“Mina,” Ysrael said, his eyes closing. “I’m not going to forget you. Why do you always put yourself down? So you’re not going to Harvard, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll find another school. Or do something else. But you can’t keep lying to everyone. You have to take responsibility for your life, Mina. You have so many choices. You have to see that.”
I turned away from him. “I’m trying.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said.
“Then stay,” I begged. “Why do you have to go?”
He shook his head slowly. “I can’t. I have to do this for me. I want to learn how to really write songs and play music.”
I nodded. I wanted that for him as well. Ysrael pulled me close. I sank back against him. We stayed that way without speaking. I pressed my ear to his chest and listened to his heartbeats. The slow start, stop rhythm. Forever beginning. Forever ending. His life. My life. Heartbeat. Heart.
suna
SHE WANDERS THE AISLES of the library, running her fingers along the spines of the books. A wet halo on her shirt where the ends of her hair meets the soft cotton fabric. Her sneakers squeaking in protest with each step. Suna wanders the aisles and wonders why there must be a choice. Why one book over another. Why one daughter over another. Why Mina’s love and not hers. Why Ysrael and not Suna.
She stops in the middle of the aisle and slowly pulls out a book. Tips it out with her finger and then lets the weight of the book do the rest. She sees the book fall, notes the way it splays out, the pages fanning the air, before it lands on the floor and closes. Suna pulls another book and another book. She does not hear the loud thud as the book hits the floor, does not hear the librarian’s chair scraping back. Suna simply feels the thumps, the hard vibration that travels from the floor into her feet and through her body, soothing her nerves. She pulls book after book and lets them fall. Her concentration on each act, each spine that stands straight and proud. The librarian
