“Tell me more about you.” Her eyes softened as she looked at me and I stood opposite her. She didn’t want to know about me. If she knew half of what I was she wouldn’t want anything else to do with me and I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want her to go anywhere.
I shrugged as I leant across the island. “I met Jay when I was a kid, we went to juvie together.” I gulped back the lump growing in my throat and ran my fingers through my hair. I’m originally from Shropshire but when we got out I moved down here with Jay to help with Chlo and I never went back.” I watched as her eyes examined me. I felt exposed. “What about you?” Yeah that’s it, throw her a question now you’ve just exposed yourself.
“I moved here with my mum when I was about 4? I only remember a little bit. I remember her struggling and living at Soph’s and then with Nancy for a while.” Her voice was soft and her eyes moved away from mine. She messed with her fingers.
“Why did she move?” I wanted to reach and hold her hand but shook off the feeling.
“She moved away from my dad.” She was blunt. I was worried I’d pushed too hard. “So what sort of logistics to you and Jay do?” Fuck. I hadn’t got an answer for her. I couldn't exactly tell her we moved drugs around the country. I couldn’t admit that I was an addict. That the burn in my veins didn’t ever stop. I gulped and glanced towards her. She still wasn’t looking at me.
“I’m sorry I pushed on your past I didn’t mean to,” I began to fumble on my words and she looked up from underneath her lashes. She looked as though she was holding back tears “if it makes you feel any better my past wasn’t much better Avay.” She took my hand in hers and she gave me a sweet smile.
“Hmm seems that way, juvenile huh?” She raised her brow. I laughed a little and shrugged.
“Yeah,” I desperately wanted to tell her the whole story but I couldn’t. “I was a little shit.” She chuckled and squeezed my hand.
“Not a lot changed there?” I grinned, the tears that once threatened in her eyes dissipating.
“Not much no.” The words from her mouth rang true. Nothing had changed. I was still an addict. I still dabbled in unlawful dealings. Her fingers were like ice and I squeezed her softly. “We should probably get going. It's freezing, you're like ice.” She nodded as she stood. She glanced up at me, her sea green eyes were so clear and I kissed her cheek slowly.
“Sounds good.” Her words were quiet now. You’ve scared her off. I shook my head and we made our way back across Alfie’s beach. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore calmed me. I followed her with my eyes as she made her way back up the steep path towards my car. The ache in my chest became more prominent now, the burn in my veins returning along with the realisation that this was never going away. I would never stop. I couldn’t.
I must have watched her sleep all night; she was tiny, curled in the fetal position and all bare and stripped down. I smiled to myself reliving the moment that she drifted off practically in my arms. I rubbed the vein that was sore from my earlier hit and looked down at my feet. What the fuck happened to you? I watched as she stretched in her sleep. She made me want to be better, she made me lose control and yet she made my desire to get clean stronger. I just didn’t know how. Drugs were my job and my life. They numbed me. Until she came along. She moaned softly in her sleep and I lay over her softly. She instantly reached for me.
“Haz?” She mumbled.
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to get you home before people start to come back.” She flexed underneath me and I kissed the side of her mouth as she opened her eyes.
“What time is it? It’s still dark?” Her eyelashes fluttered and her voice was croaky. I’d give anything to wake up next to this. I placed my lips against her ear.
“It’s 5.56.” I whispered as I kissed her neck softly. “C’mon up.” She groaned as she sat up and found her shoes. She looked so childlike all sleepy and dazed. I smirked to myself and shook my head as she stretched. She gathered up her things and followed me towards my car. I started the engine and began to drive her home. She was silent the whole way. As I pulled up outside her tiny end terrace I smiled in her direction. Her eyes were hooded and sleepy and I leant across towards her. She touched my nose with her finger and I reached for it.
“I guess I’ll see you this weekend?” I simply nodded.
A class full of kids to start the morning didn't exactly please me. What with pent up sexual frustration and a headache from hell I could think of better things to do with my time. I glanced at Jay, I left the kids to practice their footwork and made my way over to him, I took him down and held him there. His laughter filled the room and I grinned.
“Fuck sake.
