Shaking my head, I said, “That explains it.”
“What?”
“The seeming lack of love between your parents. Your mother never really looks happy; it’s as if she’s just along for the ride. I mean, I can see that she loves you dearly, and everything that you do means the world to her. But her and your father...”
“Falling in love and notions of romance are just fallacies about what marriage should be,” Russell said.
“The fact that you believe that breaks my heart,” I muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, Russ. What do you expect to happen between us when we’re married?”
Russell set his fork down and slowly chewed his food until he’d finished.
“I know that your parents don’t expect us to know one another in the biblical sense until after we exchange our vows. But...we’re living in current times, Xiomara, and maybe we should rethink all of that. After all, we are marrying one another, and there’s no reason that we have to hold off until marriage. We could...try again.”
“Russ, we have a hard time kissing one another, let alone...” I shook my head.
“Maybe things will be different this time.”
“How so?”
Russell took a sip of his wine before he commented.
“The friends in New York aren’t there for you anymore.”
“What? What’re you talking about, Russ?” I asked, grabbing my glass of wine with shaky hands to steel my nerves.
“Jai Patel, Neil Reddy, and Derek Ryder,” he said, spouting off the names of my former lovers.
I gulped the rest of my wine down and poured myself a refill.
Grabbing the edge of my napkin, I said, “Those are former colleagues of mine. I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“Xiomara,” he said in a patient tone. “You don’t find it peculiar that I only named three colleagues through the many that you had? Where do you think that I’m going with this?”
Russell stared me in my eyes, and I looked away, my hands picking at the napkin on my lap. I tried to push out the tightness in my belly.
“You were with Jai for seven months, meeting at hotels, I wondered about that, but then I found that he was living with his fiance. All of your encounters with Neil for the three years you were together were at his place. And then there was Derek. Three and a half years. I must admit he had me worried for a while. He wasn’t like us. Not Indian, and no engagement to anyone. An athlete. Not your usual type, you’ve always liked the scholars, not the jocks. But then again...Lake Chambers.”
“Is not a jock. He’s a businessman through and through who loves sports.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, holding his hands out. “I didn’t mean to offend.”
“None was taken,” I replied quietly.
Russell stood and walked around the table, grabbing my hand and bringing me to stand in front of him. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he stared into my eyes.
“What is it about him you don’t see in me? No matter how much you deny it, you have feelings for him. I’m a good man, I respect you, and I’ll be an honorable husband. So, why can’t we try?”
“Look, Russ, I wish that I could forget him and just live this life that we’re supposed to live. The life that I pledged to live with you. You’re a good man, Russ. You really are, and I like and respect you. But I can’t do this. Find someone who loves and respects you for the man that you are. I can’t be that for you, and I don’t feel right using you to get my business. I love Lake Chambers, and I can’t change a thing about that. As much as I want to turn my back on that, as much as I thought that I could, it’s impossible. I’m sorry. I tried for ten years, ran away from a broken heart because of a man who didn’t want me, and I came back to all those same feelings. Maybe he’s not what’s best for me. And maybe he does only want me right now because he can’t have me. And yes, he probably will just break my heart again, but when I’m with Lake...I can’t even explain what he makes me feel, Russ.”
Lake had texted me all weekend, but I’d ignored his phone calls and texts. I’d promised Russell that I wouldn’t allow anything to interfere with this weekend, and I committed myself to that promise no matter how hard it was.
“Xiomara, there’s no guarantee he’ll be faithful to you. He always has a different woman on his arm, and everyone knows he loves Prestige. And you’re willing to give up every benefit you’ll receive from this arrangement for a ‘maybe’ with him?”
“I’m sorry, Russ,” I said with tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’ll take a maybe chance at love and happiness with him, over a lifetime of regret and wealth. But I love that man, and I can’t turn it off and walk away from him. I thought I could, but even if we marry, I’m not sure that I can, and you deserve better than that. I know that we initially agreed to live our private lives separately, but that’s not what I want. The man that I marry, I want to love him and be with only him.”
“So, this is it?”
“Why would you want me to be your wife, Russ? Other than the arrangement that we’re bound to?”
“We have the same goals and values in mind, Xiomara. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, well-respected woman whom I’d love to have by my side. Besides, I’m not interested in disappointing my father, telling him I failed.”
“And that’s what this all boils down to for you, isn’t it, Russ? Not wanting to disappoint your father. Do you have any feelings for me at all?”
“I do. I admire you, and I’ve grown to care about you over these last couple of
