She’d grown accustomed to being wrapped tight. Gaia wanted her to stop pressing on the layers of tape holding her edges together. She wasn’t ready.
Anna flashed to her living room in the moments after reading Daniel’s email, to the shards of memories piercing her skin. Her chest trembled. She had to open her eyes, blink away tears, and tamp down the urge to run out of the room.
Gaia turned her head and spoke clearly to the assembled participants.
“Take three more complete breaths then relax.”
She returned to Anna, lifted her hands off her body one at a time, and bestowed another knowing, caring smile. Maybe it was the candlelight, maybe it was her unshed tears, but Anna swore an opalescent glow radiated from Gaia’s eyes.
“You’re doing great. Good work,” she whispered before standing.
“Let’s move on to the next exercise. Please lie down on your mat with your knees bent and your feet flat. Place both hands on the lower part of your abdomen. Purse your lips as you exhale through your mouth. Imagine it’s your birthday and you’re trying to blow out all the candles on your cake.”
Blowing sounds filled the room. Gaia giggled. Anna was simply relieved she didn’t have to change her position.
“Very good. I can hear some of you have those prank candles on your cakes. Next time you breathe out, see if you can feel a muscle tightening underneath your fingers and a muscle lifting your pelvic floor. It’s the same muscle you squeeze when you need to pee.”
The forced exhales continued, along with a couple of muffled laughs. Anna, newly invested in her success and desperate to do a good job for Gaia, found her butt muscles insisted on participating. They were probably the ones benefitting most from the exercise.
“If you are tensing your buttock muscles, let them relax.”
Now Gaia could read her mind. Anna relaxed as instructed and tried again.
“Imagine, with your out breath, that you are trying to bring the front bones of your pelvis closer together.
The front bones of her pelvis? She felt around her midsection and located the rounded bones to either side of her belly button. Solid. Hands to the outer edges of each bone, she tried pushing them closer together when she exhaled. They didn’t move.
“Imagine, with your in breath, that you are trying to bring your sit-bones closer together. And if it would help to touch your sit-bones, your pubic bones, or any other body parts, please do so. This is your time to self-explore.”
Anna continued to follow along. She reached along the outside of her buttocks and down until she could feel the bones Gaia named—and even some she hadn’t. She tried to remember the pelvic floor exercises her midwife had suggested over two decades ago. All she ended up with was tightened butt muscles again and the sense there were vast, empty places throughout her body, kind of like the prairies. Or abandoned spaces, where the wires were old and chewed through. Or where the power had been cut off due to lack of payment. Or interest.
Under the cover of the blanket and the low lights, she swept her hands over as much of her body as she could. The amount she didn’t relate to, couldn’t feel, was frustrating. When Gary was alive and the kids were younger, she always knew where her body was because it was so often attached to one of theirs.
“Roll to your right side, support your head, and draw your knees toward your chest. Listen to your body, and when you are ready, please come to a seated position on the mat or on your cushions, and we’ll try the same series of exercises.”
Anna stayed on her side longer than either man next to her. She willed them not to notice her lying there. When she’d had enough of her mini rebellion, she sat up and followed along with the next set of instructions. This time around, she was slightly more successful, until Gaia asked them to coordinate the muscular movements with their breath. Elaine was probably halfway to an orgasm. Anna gave up and left to find the bathrooms.
When she returned, Gaia was introducing the next exercise. “Adjust your cushions so you can face your partner. You should be able to see eye to eye. If any of you need extra cushions, please raise a hand.”
Leo had to be at least six inches taller than her. Anna waved, and one of Gaia’s assistants brought over another pillow. The entire time she fussed with getting everything just so, she kept her eyes down. This must be the intimate section of the workshop. She hadn’t entirely failed at the breathing part. She could do this.
“When you are ready, close your eyes and take a few centering breaths.”
Anna understood the mechanics of what her body should be doing. She tried to hold on to her newfound knowledge while Gaia gave the group their next set of instructions.
“Introduce yourself to your partner.”
Anna lifted her gaze. The entire left side of Mystery Man’s body was bathed in the candlelight emanating from the center of the circle.
“I’m Leo,” he said. He had a shy smile. Thick eyebrows. Lots of bone structure highlighted and defined by shadows and the room’s subdued lighting.
“Saffron.”
“Once you’ve greeted each other, close your eyes again. Become aware of your breath. Notice sensations in your body. Notice all the thoughts moving through your head, as well as any emotions you might be having in this moment. This may be a very challenging exercise for some of you. It might feel silly or strange, and that’s okay. Let your feelings arise, acknowledge them to yourself, let them go, and turn your attention back to your breath. Try to release and
