Declan stands, and I do the same. He looks as though he wants to say something, but doesn’t.
When he gets to the door, I call out. “Dec?”
“Yeah?”
I’m having your baby.
I want this to be better.
I love you still.
I wish I didn’t.
Those aren’t the words that will be said. “Thank you.”
His eyes lock onto mine. “There’s not much I wouldn’t do for you, Sydney.”
Not much except the only thing I’ve ever wanted.
“So, you’re selling the farm?” Devney asks as we sit at my table.
“I am.”
Ellie enters the room, taking in the two of us. “What did I miss?”
Devney sighs and looks up. “Syd is moving.”
“Moving?” Ellie yells and then takes a seat. “What do you mean you’re moving?”
The two of them are going to grill me, and I came prepared with two sleeves of cookies. I put a mug in front of each of them and the cookies in the middle. I have another package in case I need reinforcements.
“It’s time for me to move on,” I say matter-of-factly. There’s nothing either of them can say to change my mind at this point. “I’m going to sell and move closer to Sierra and my mother.”
Ellie’s hand reaches out to mine. “Is this because of what happened a few months ago?”
“What happened?” Devney sits straighter.
I didn’t tell anyone other than Ellie about that because it was embarrassing. Once Devney knows, there will be no escaping the million questions and accusations as to the real reason I’m getting out of Dodge. She knows me too well.
She probably already assumes it’s because of Declan, but once she knows what happened, she won’t have any doubt.
Might as well get it out now. “I slept with Declan, thought I could be pregnant, and now that he’s back, I can’t seem to get away from him. I can’t escape him, not even with selling my farm. He’s just … here. I can’t take it anymore.”
“But he’s only here for a few months,” Ellie says. “He’s made it crystal clear he’s not staying, so you’re going to leave your home and your practice because of a short stint?”
Devney nods. “Seriously, Syd, take a sabbatical for fuck’s sake. Don’t sell the one thing that you’ve fought so hard to hold on to.”
God, they have no idea. “You can’t begin to understand. Neither of you. Ellie, when you found out that Connor was who he was, what did you want to do? Run, right? You didn’t want to stay with him. Hell, you fought him at every turn. Why? Because the Arrowood brothers stick their targets. Every fucking time. They pierce through the heart and you never recover. That happened to me when I was a little girl and that arrow is still embedded in me. I have to get away from him, I have to remove it, move on, go somewhere there’s no chance of him getting another shot. And the thing is, he doesn’t even want me!”
“Syd …” Ellie says with so much sympathy it actually hurts.
“No, that’s the thing. He doesn’t want me. He may love me. He may want to be friends, but I can’t be friends with him, Ellie. I can’t. I can’t talk to him and not want to kiss him. I can’t look at him and not want to throw myself into his arms. When we slept together, it was like the dam that I had closed broke. All the emotions, the love, the feelings all flooded back, and I’m going to drown,” I say as tears form in my eyes. “It’s too much. I have to go where I can start over.”
Ellie rushes toward me, pulling me into her arms as I start to cry. God, these hormones are crazy.
“This isn’t you,” Devney says from the side of me. “You don’t run away from a fight.”
I turn to her and shake my head. “Sometimes fighting isn’t the answer.”
“When it comes to this, it is. He’s what you want. This farm is what you want, don’t give up.”
She’s nuts. She shouldn’t talk. “Don’t get me started with you and giving up or choosing not to fight.”
Sean has loved her and she has loved him since we were kids, and the only two people who don’t seem to have a clue about it are Devney and Sean themselves.
“Me? What the hell do I do?” Devney squeaks.
“Nothing. I’m sorry, I just got worked up.”
I’m not going to call her out, and ... maybe it’s for the best. Loving an Arrowood and not knowing you love them is way better than knowing and not being loved back.
The two of them grab for a cookie as we all let the moment settle around us. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling,” Ellie says. “My relationship with Connor is nothing like yours and Declan’s, but I love you, and selfishly, I want you to stay.”
I smile and take her hand in mine. “I love you too, Ells. I really do, and it’s not easy for me to leave. I’ve lived here my whole life. I’ve only ever known this town and ...” I fight back the emotions bubbling up. It’s going to be impossible to drive away from this house, but I can’t stay. “Well, it’s going to just about kill me, but it’s time.”
“Will you at least wait until after the wedding? It’s only a few weeks away.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You don’t have to worry about that.”
Devney grabs my other hand and squeezes it. “I hate to see you hurt like this. I could kill him for making you leave your home.”
“He’s not at fault—I am. I’ve spent my life waiting for a man to come back and fight for something that he never wanted to fight for. Declan made his intentions clear when he left me. He doesn’t love me the way I need him to. He doesn’t want a family. He wants the life he has, and I want more. It just took me a while to see
