We’re going to have a baby, and if we could share what we just had, then maybe we can have more.
Now, he looks as though I’ve just betrayed him. “Yes, I wanted to have the house sold so that when you rejected us, I had a plan.”
“So this is why you were moving?”
I close my eyes and feel the tear break free. “Yes.”
“And what about me?”
I open them again to look at him. “What about you? What about you, Dec? You made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want me or a baby. You practically screamed it and mocked your brother. I was right there, I heard it. I stood there, already pregnant and terrified, and listened to you talk about throwing yourself off a cliff. What did you want me to think?”
He huffs and runs his hands through his hair. “I didn’t know.”
“No, but then I made comments and said small things to gauge where you were at, and still, you were clear about not wanting a life with me. You were so hard-pressed to tell me over and over how there would never be an us.”
I feel stupid and ashamed, but I did what I felt was right for me and the baby.
“And you thought that meant the baby?”
“I would’ve never held this child from you. Never. I want you to love him or her. I want you to be a part of their life, but you were the one who said you wanted no part of a life like that.”
“Fucking hell, Sydney, this is our baby! I ... I wouldn’t leave you to raise the child without help.”
Without help. Two words that I have dreaded hearing from him.
“Tell me what your version of help is.” Declan says he won’t leave me alone to raise a child, and I believe him, but now I want more. I want it all.
“I don’t know,” he says, sliding from the bed. Declan throws on a pair of sweatpants and then starts to pace the very small space. “I need a minute.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He shakes his head. “What is it you want, since you’ve planned this out?”
There’s a bitterness to his voice that puts me on edge. Gone is the sweet, caring lover that held me. “I didn’t really plan this. I just knew that I needed to get myself situated.”
“By moving.”
“Yes,” I admit. “I wanted to be near my mother and Sierra.”
“And what was my role?”
I pull my lip into my mouth and fight back the tears. “I wasn’t sure what you’d want. I know you wouldn’t abandon us or not fulfill your obligations.”
Declan scoffs. “I would, of course, help financially.”
He’s angry and he has every right to be, but it stings. I have to remember that I’ve had plenty of time to absorb this and … well, he hasn’t. Not only that, we just had a very special moment.
I step closer, keeping my voice even. “Yes, I assumed you would. But what about love, Declan? What about being a father? What about spending time with them? Loving him or her? Giving the baby a family?”
“What the fuck do I know about a family?” he yells and then turns away and releases a deep breath. “I’m ... I’m not the guy you think I am.”
“And what guy is that?”
When he turns back to me, I don’t see anger in his eyes, I see fear. He’s absolutely fucking terrified. “The one who can be a father. I don’t know the first thing about what a father does. All I know is anger, fists, and being not good enough.”
“And what about how you raised your brothers? What about the man who took those fists so another didn’t have to?”
“That is what you want around a kid? A guy who can take a beating?”
God, he doesn’t see it. It’s so maddening. “You.” I step to him. “You are a good man. You’re loving, honest, and would do anything for someone you love.”
“Like leave them? Abandon them? That’s what I did to you,” he tosses back.
My heart is pounding, but I try to push aside my own feelings so I can focus on him. I’ve had almost five months to come to terms with all of this while he’s only just been dropped into the water with me.
Still, I want to rail at him, throw something at his head, and knock some damn sense into him.
This feels like another excuse. Yes, he left me. Yes, he says it was to protect me, but he’s never explained it. There’s a reason and I’m not going anywhere without knowing what it is.
“Why did you leave me all those years ago?”
“What?”
“Why did you walk away? What was it that night that made you go?”
I put my armor over my heart and refuse to let anything penetrate it. Not until I have the truth.
“You know why.”
I push back. “Tell me again.”
“Because I didn’t fucking love you!”
“Liar.”
“Don’t call me a liar.”
“Don’t lie to me!” I yell back. “You didn’t love me? Bullshit! If you didn’t, then it would’ve meant nothing when you saw me a few months ago. You wouldn’t have sought me out at the pond. You wouldn’t have tried to make things okay between us. And ...” My breathing is coming in short bursts as the emotions tangle and crash inside me. “You wouldn’t have told people you love me! I know you love me, you chicken shit! I know it in my goddamn bones.”
“It doesn’t change anything!” His hands are shaking as he reaches toward me, only to pull them back at the last second. “It doesn’t matter that I loved you then or now, I had to leave. I had no choice. I did what was best for all of us. None of us know if I have more of my father in me than we want to believe.”
“You won’t hurt me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. Why did you leave?” I push him again.
This might be the only
