Inwardly shaking my head, I wrap my arms around myself resting them over my small bump. You’d have thought I might have had a bigger stomach by now, but my belly merely looks as if I’ve stuffed a small pillow in my shirt. The guilt feels to be weighing me down even more than it already was.
This just isn’t fair. Knowing that if I don’t make it through having my baby, I’ll be leaving everyone I care about behind.
“How’s my Pixie and baby doing?” Chaz asks drawing me out of my depressing thoughts as he wraps his arms around us. I should just confess to him right now what’s going on. However, I stop myself. He doesn’t need to be weighed down by the fact that my cancer is back and this time there’s a big chance I won’t make it.
Doctor Meyers tried to convince me earlier today to tell my family and Chaz, so I’d have a support system in not only the pregnancy but through both. I’d told him I couldn’t with the odds against me.
The fact of the matter is I don’t want them feeling anything other than joy over the baby coming. Besides, there's still a chance I’ll make it. If I make it through the birth and our child tests as a match, then everything will be okay. I’ll tell them then not before.
Tilting my head up, I give him a smile hoping it hides the sadness that I’m feeling. “Yeah we’re both doing just fine. I’m gonna have dinner with Alexis tonight. Did you know that Tanner and my sister were married?” I ask him.
A guilty look crosses over his face at my question. “Yeah I knew, I didn’t realize they were still married,” he mutters.
“How come no one ever told me this?” I ask too upset at never knowing this.
“Pixie it was a long time ago, the guys only know because we dragged it out of him,” he says calmly.
“Well I wish someone would have told me I had Tanner for a brother-in-law. I mean I love the guy but he’s a manwhore. All while he’s still married to my sister. It kinda pisses me off. Actually, no it does more than kinda piss me off. I’m livid not with just him though,” I babble.
“I get it babe, but seriously it wasn’t my place to say shit about his or even your sister’s life when I don’t know the whole story. I only know what he’s told me and what your sister has told the two of us. I mean would you want to tell people something like this if it was gonna turn right to shit?” He asks sincerely.
And the guilt just keeps on coming.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head in reply to his question at the same time sending a prayer up above praying for the strength to make it through the next two months.
Just let me be strong enough to handle the pain a little longer. Because if I’m honest with myself I know exactly why I refuse to tell anyone. I’d prefer them to be mad at me when I’m gone than to resent my baby for being alive.
Chapter Six
Chaz
Since the day I found out that Jamie was pregnant I’ve done everything I could to be there for not just her but our baby. We’d officially moved her into the house with us. The guys didn’t mind having her there. She was family to them as much as she was the woman I intended to marry one day. Her grandmother wasn’t too happy about it wanting Jamie to have gone to school first. Alexis, she’d been upset.
With each month that has gone by I started to notice the toll the pregnancy was having on her body. Still she’s the most beautiful girl with her small bump and I can’t help but touch her when in the same room. I can’t help the feeling I keep getting with each day that goes by. I can’t put my finger on it, but my gut instinct says Jamie’s keeping something from me and possibly from all of us.
I’ve always told Jamie she could tell me anything and as far as I know, she's always been honest with me. Yet for some reason each time I or someone else brings up anything about future plans she gets a guilty look in her eyes. The same one she got when I’d asked her how she’d feel if she were in Tanner and Alexis’ shoes. That was two months ago now and I see the look of guilt more and more.
Jamie has never had a good poker face and lying isn’t something she’s good at. For her to keep whatever it is she’s got bottled up inside her I know without a doubt is not good. I’ve thought about making her tell me what’s going on, however, I stop myself each time. Unsure if I want to know.
“Yo man you ready to get those songs recorded?” Hunter asks as I make my way into the studio we finished putting in the back of the shop.
“Yeah, you think Jamie’s gonna love the song?” I’d thrown the song out several times thinking it wasn’t good enough only to write it again adding to it wanting it to be perfect.
“Man, this song is gonna be fuckin’ epic. Jamie is gonna love it,” Lex announces as he walks in behind me.
Fuckers always running late.
“This song may be one of the best ones we’ve ever done,” Tanner mumbles as he tunes his bass.
“Then let’s get this shit done. Jamie’s not coming in today so it’s perfect timing,” I say grabbing my guitar.
“She okay?” Hunter asks.
“Yeah, she said she was still tired,” I say, yet I hold back the fact that Jamie didn’t only look tired she seemed to be in pain.
Maybe I’m being naïve and overlooking her not telling me, but
