It’s not happening again.
It can’t happen again.
Hearing a loud banging sound, I place my hands over my ears as I screw my eyes shut, trying to block out the screaming in my head. “What’s up? Becca! Where are you?” Reid says looking around the room, I curl up in a ball and focus on breathing in and out to try and control the panic climbing up my throat “Hey Reid, erm Becca was in here when I came to get my phone, she saw me and I think is having a panic attack. I didn’t think, I’m really sorry” Asher says in a quiet tone. A panic attack? Is that’s what’s happening to me. It doesn’t feel like any kind of attack, It feels like I’m drowning.
Hearing my heavy breathing Reid slowly approaches the armchair I’m hiding behind “Hey baby girl. Its Reid” he says touching my arm, amongst my fog I hear his name and uncurl myself to see him looking at me full of concern “That’s it” he says as I take his hand and climb on him, I wind my arms around his neck while he holds me, trying to calm me down “Shhhh, it’s okay babe, I’m here” he says rocking us back and forth slowly, what’s happening to me. I couldn’t even think back there, it was like my mind was poisoned and I had no other thoughts than to try and survive.
Once my panic subsides, I feel so embarrassed about the way I reacted. All he did was say hello to me and my mind flipped “I’m okay now” I tell Reid as I try to stand on shaky legs, using his arms for support, I manage to remain upright. I can’t stop the shakes still wracking my body, still suffering the aftermath of what just happened. Hearing hushed voices from the kitchen, I take a deep breath and make my way over, I need to apologise to him.
Turning the corner, I see Hayley and Asher at the kitchen table, coffees in hand talking quietly “Erm hey guys. I’m really sorry. I…. I don’t know what happened” I say looking to the floor “Don’t apologise Becca. Panic attacks are real in the moment” Asher says kindly “But I must ask, are you receiving treatment for your episodes?” he asks, now I remember, Hayley told me he’s a councillor “Erm, yes the hospital have set something up. I’m waiting on a phone call” I say timidly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him in the eye properly. Looking at him now I’ve calmed down, I see he’s very good looking for an older man, grey dusted blond hair frames a kind looking face, his light blue eyes are beautiful. I can’t believe I had the reaction to him that I did. Even now, after how I reacted to him, he’s still treating me with kindness and understanding.
I bet he’s a great councillor
“Becca Honey, it’s so good to see you” Hayley says, she comes over for a hug but stops short when she sees me shaking. I pull her towards me to embrace her, not realising how much I needed it. Feeling warmth at my back, an arm wraps round my middle and I’m pulled against a hard chest, Reid puts his head atop mine and I slump into his body. “Okay kids, we are going to head out for a while” Asher says, I don’t want them to feel like they have to leave, but I need some time alone to calm down and figure out what just happened. Sitting at the kitchen table after they leave, Reid brings over two cups of coffee, we sit in perfect silence as we drink them and eat some breakfast, I think he knows I need some quiet right now. Taking a breath, I start to feel a bit more myself again.
I need to get control of this, If I don’t, I don’t know what will be left of me.
Chapter Eleven
That night, me and Reid sit down on his bed, ready to watch a movie, he suggested it since his mum and Asher are downstairs. We had a pretty relaxing day after this morning’s events, Sherri came over to check on me, she was here for hours before Reid shooed her from the house saying I needed to rest. After making us some lunch, he sent me upstairs with strict instructions to sleep. I only managed an hour before a nightmare woke me up, I dreamt I was back on that kitchen floor, but it wasn’t Gary on top of me, it was Reid It was the worst experience I’ve ever had. It confused me that I hadn’t had a nightmare at all since the attack, I’d been fine, deep full nights of
