Hearing my screams Reid ran up the stairs and hugged me against him until I calmed down, that’s how we ended up watching the movie. He just got up and put the disc in the DVD player, the title screen comes up and I realise he’s put my favourite movie on Need For Speed. Snuggling down into him we quietly watch as Aaron Paul comes on the screen “We need to talk about it you know” Reid says softly making me clam up, we haven’t spoken about the attack since the police asked me what happened. I knew he would have questions, but the thought of bringing it up again is too much “Can we talk about something else instead, I just can’t talk about it yet” I say pulling away from him, he has to know how uncomfortable this is for me, I haven’t even spoken to a professional about this yet. I lost that fundamental element of trust with Reid a while ago, it’s going to take some time to get that back. Thinking on that I ask “What are we going to do about Tiff? She still has the video of us, and now I’m staying here she’s probably going to post them” I say feeling worried, during everything, I almost forgot about the problems with Tiff “Beck’s we don’t have to talk about that right now” he says sitting up “We do Reid, it’s hanging over us. I don’t know where we stand right now and if moving forward is what you want, we can’t do that with her holding this blackmail over our heads” I need to know what we are to each other now, staying here with him, having him comfort me and kiss me, it makes me feel like we are falling into our old ways, but I have no idea what he’s thinking “What do you think about us?” I ask him, he turns to me, pushing his hand through his hair “I never wanted to lose you in the first place Beck’s. I thought I was doing the best thing” he huffs out, can I look past him not telling me? Him sleeping with her? I’m not sure, it’s something we would have to work on “I’ve loved you since I was 4 years old Reid, we’ve shared most of our life together. Did you break my heart? Yes, but I’m willing to try…. You mean too much to me to just throw it away” I tell him honestly, he lets out a big breath “But we need to take to it slow, I’m not the person I was before. We’d need to start again” I tell him, I’m not the same person I was when we were dating and I lost a big part of myself on that kitchen floor “I’ll take anything Beck’s, I just want you again. I’ll deal with Tiff, I’ll tell her we’ll go to the police if we have to” he says grabbing my hands he pulls me into a bone crushing hug. In my heart, I can’t get myself to believe that me and Reid were ever completely over, he looks at me with such love and trust, I just need to learn how to love him fully again.
The next day Reid has to go back to work, I tell him I’ll be fine here while he’s away, but it’s still a struggle to push him through the bedroom door so he isn’t late. He tells me his mum is here all day for anything I need and no doubt Sherri will be over again at some point “I really don’t feel right leaving you alone” he says in his bedroom doorway, pained expression on his face, he’s been so attentive since I got out of hospital. He’s the old Reid again, the one I grew up with “I’ll be fine, your mum is here like you said. I’ve got a tonne of movies to watch, so I’m set until you are home” I tell him as I push him further through the door. In truth, I love being here, it feels like home. With a defeated sigh he finally gives in “Ok, well you can text me whenever. I’ll have my phone by me all day” something tells me he’s going to be checking up on me a lot today “I promise I’ll text if I need anything” I tell him. I need some time to myself to process my thoughts, Reid hasn’t left me alone since the attack. It’s been amazing to have him so close again, but I need some time alone to work through what’s going on in my mind. Giving him a goodbye kiss, I finally manage to shuffle him out the door.
I have a quick shower before I start on the movies I’ve got lined up. I find it a little easier to look at myself in the mirror today, which is progress I guess. One day I hope I can look in the mirror again and tell myself I’m ok.
I get myself dressed in my comfy pj bottoms and one of Reid’s band t-shirts, deciding there’s no point in getting dressed when I plan to hide up here for most of the day.
After locking myself in his bedroom for most of the morning, by 11am my need for coffee weighs out hiding. Making my way downstairs I hear the tv on in the front room, I pour myself a coffee from the urn I take in a deep breath and head to the other room. Hayley sits on the sofa reading a magazine, she puts it down when she hears me enter the room “Becca honey, I was wondering when you would come out of hiding” she says over the rim of her reading glasses “Oh I erm..wasn’t hiding” I lie “I was watching movies and fell asleep” lie lie lie, she looks up at me and her face shows
