That would be the easiest thing to deal with, but there was a part of me that knew deep down he wasn't going to be that nonchalant about it.
Because Killian did care, as much as he acted like he didn't, and I didn't know if that made me feel better or worse.
Chapter 4
Killian
Friday night was very strange.
I was used to having Ash there. Used to having sex with her and then putting her on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with water and perhaps a cup of tea.
It was one of those little routines that was ingrained into my schedule after almost a full six months of keeping up with it, and not having it was off-putting.
On Saturday, I had to keep myself from texting her, wondering what time she was coming over. I knew I could play it off as wanting to make sure she wasn't shirking her duties, and that would annoy her and make her come over faster just to have it done with, but I didn't want to do that.
There was a part of me that hoped she was dreading spending these weekends with me less than she had at the beginning.
It was certainly easier than it had been. She didn't argue and fight about every little thing, and while she still made sure that I knew she thought I was an arrogant pervert, she showed that she actually enjoyed the things we were doing more than she had before.
I could hold onto that. I wanted to get what I wanted, but that didn't mean I wanted her to be miserable in the process.
The next six months could only get better, and I found myself impatient to see her.
It was like how I had felt over the holidays, when she'd been off visiting her family. There was a noticeable absence of her, and I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it.
Maybe it was because I wasn't used to having someone around me so much, and I was finally coming to terms with it. Maybe it was just her.
There was a lot I wasn't really letting myself consider, since the nature of whatever it was we had was temporary and not meant to last. It wouldn't make sense to come to some epiphany only to have her decide she didn't want to see me again in six months.
So I put it out of my head and waited for her to show up.
She came over fairly early, and I'd been expecting her to draw it out, to come by at the last minute and shrug and say that it was still Saturday so she hadn't done anything wrong and could we just get it over with already?
But she showed up a little after noon, looking tired and fidgety, which made me raise an eyebrow.
"Wild night?" I asked her, amused. If anyone was going to have a wild night between the two of us, it was not Ash, and it was funny to think of her at some club after our dinner, dancing and drinking and cutting loose.
Funny because it was very unlikely to ever be a thing that happened.
"No," she said. "I just didn't sleep well. Uh, I think we need to talk about something."
That made me frown. She was serious often, but she seemed very serious just then, like she didn't know how to say whatever it was she wanted to say.
"Is everything alright?" I asked. "Are your parents okay?"
She looked up at me and frowned. "Why wouldn't they be?"
"I don't know, you're acting like there's been a tragedy or something, so I thought I'd ask."
A little smile flickered over her lips, and she looked at me like I was silly. "They're fine. It's not about them."
"Alright," I said, truly lost. "Come sit down."
She plopped down on the couch and took her jacket off, draping it over the back. She took her time arranging it just so, and I knew she was stalling, but I didn't push her. If whatever she wanted to say was that big, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it in the first place.
"So um," she said, sitting there, not looking at me. She was fidgeting, hands twisting in her lap, and I narrowed my eyes at her, concerned and confused.
I didn't think I had ever really seen her cowed before. She was usually all fire and attitude, telling me what she wanted me to know and making sure I knew how she felt about everything. Now she was nervous, and it was an odd look on her.
"Are you sure everything is alright?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow and wishing she would look at me.
"Yes. I mean. Yeah. It's all fine. Just... something happened last night, and I feel like I should tell you about it, but I also feel like maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, which is pretty stupid, right?"
Ash glanced up then, looking at me like she wanted me to tell her she was being stupid.
I was too bewildered at whatever it was she was talking about to oblige.
"Why don't you just tell me?" I suggested. I couldn't imagine what she could have done to make her so nervous.
Had she told someone about us? Was she worried that it would get around and somehow ruin what we'd built?
The privacy of our arrangement was mostly for her benefit, so I couldn't see how that would have her so worried to talk to me.
I watched her as she dragged in a deep breath, closing her eyes before she let it out. Maybe she wanted to end things. If I was honest with myself, I had been waiting for her to try since we'd started.
The money waiting for her at the end of our arrangement was a good incentive to hang in there, but maybe
