Faith headed out to get Koko ready for her lesson as I followed Remington into the barn. Our goal for the morning was to fix up one of the fences that needed mending. I saddled up the big, white gelding, Titan, as Remington grabbed Remy, a dark brown gelding. I’d always laughed about the fact that he owned a horse named the same as him. It hadn’t been intentional. Remy came with that name when he got to the barn and he’d taken a mighty fine liking to Remington. I’d never seen a better partnership between horse and rider than these two.
Most of the horses at the stables had come to us and been rehabbed. Some horses stayed after we brought them back and re-trained them. Others were re-homed to other farms in the area.
We started to make our way out to the field that needed mending when I decided I was done with the silence.
“What’d you do to Faith now?”
He laughed, but it wasn’t a full laugh. It lacked emotion. “I didn’t do a damn thing. That’s the problem.”
“You wanna talk about it, man?”
He shrugged. “Beau Montgomery, you know I never been into girl talk and today ain’t the day I start.”
I looked over nonchalantly. “Alrighty, change your mind, I’m around.”
“Sure.” It was clear he was obviously fighting his own love battle. The thing they don’t tell you growing up is that love is war. It takes the precise amount of planning and dedication to win the heart. I was in the middle of my own war these days. I’m sure I’d never guess what thoughts were in Remington’s head, but I knew for sure they weren’t good. I wasn’t going to push it.
We reached the spot in the fence before long and all talking ceased and work began. We unloaded the saddlebags full of our tools and got to it while the horses stood munching on some grass a little way away.
“So, you and Cassidy Mae? You gonna try and make that a thing? I know you’ve been in love with that girl as long as I can remember.”
“That’s the plan, Rem. I knew I loved her since the first day I laid eyes on her, but having her this close and not being able to touch her is killing me. She’s scared. She’s been through her fair share of hell and I don’t want to rush her but damnit, I want to rush the hell out of her.”
“She just needs time. Don’t mess things up like I did with Faith. That’s the best advice I can give you. Show her that you want her but let her be free to make the choice. From what I’ve heard she’s been locked down with a controlling freak for the last couple years and if you act like him, she’ll run faster than you can blink.”
“I just hate that she’s so scared someone is coming for her. I want to ask her the damn truth, but I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I just know that if someone comes looking for her, we’ll be ready.”
“She’ll have an army around her. Everyone’s done gone and fallen head over heels in love with your girl. Ain’t no-one will let a soul lay a hand on her. She’s safe here, Beau. If someone wants her, they’re gonna have to come through all of us first.”
“Do you think it’s wrong that I talked her into running them barrels at the fair? I just worry that wasn’t the best decision on my part.”
“Look, Beau, I think she needs to do this for herself. She needs to feel confident again because she’s certainly lost it. We’ll all be at the fair so if heaven forbid, something happened. We’d all be there to help.” I nodded in agreement, but the truth was I still had a gut feeling that going to the fair was full of bad ideas.
But then I thought about how big a smile she gets when she’s racing them barrel patterns in that old dusty arena. I remember the fifteen-year-old girl who lived and breathed horses every summer. I couldn’t take that away from her. Not now. Not ever. Not when she was finally smiling. I’d seen too many days without her smile and I wasn’t allowin’ any more of that.
I’d spent the rest of the day working with Zeus, mowing the fields, cleaning up around the barn, and getting rides in on Apache and Tucker. I hadn’t seen much of Cassidy Mae. Normally, I saw her throughout the day and the fact that I hadn’t was unusual. I didn’t want to think too much about it. It was possible that she wasn’t feeling well. We all had those days.
I’d gotten all my chores done around the farm earlier in the morning. I’d brushed down everyone that wasn’t being ridden or worked already and now they were out in the pastures eating to their heart’s content. I didn’t feel well and I knew why. Every 28 days. Mother Nature would tell me that I would yet again not be a mother. The one thing I’d wanted so bad when I was married to Andrew. I thought having a child would mend us. It would be a part of both of us. Clearly, I was wrong.
Thinking about that night from ten months ago wrecked me. I drowned in thoughts and feelings.
Loss.
Separation.
Fear.
Sadness.
I’d made Andrew’s favorite meal, Filet Mignon over cheddar ranch grits. One of the few things I’d remembered from home that he actually liked. He’d come home late from work, so dinner was cold, but I’d warmed it up for him. It was my fault that I’d not had it ready right when he came home and warm. How was I
