Instead, I’d spent the evening making his favorite meal. Setting up the table with my favorite candle set and planned it out down to the tee how I was going to tell him my news.
I’d taken an early pregnancy test earlier that morning and it’d come back with two little pink strips. My heart soared. It was bursting full of joy for this precious little soul that I had literally just found out about. I thought telling him would make him happy and erase the crappy day he’d had.
The only thing it did was make him angrier. His eyes flared with hate and anger. He yelled and screamed at me—that I’d done this on purpose and not followed his plan… And that I was trying to trap him and take away his freedom of choice. I was too stupid to use birth control. He’d thought he could fix me but clearly, I’d never be more than the dumb trash I’d come from.
Several days later it happened. I noticed the signs—the severe cramps, clots, and heavy bleeding. I blamed the stress and I blamed myself for not being strong enough to carry a human.
Maybe he was right, maybe I was a failure.
I was alone.
Completely alone.
I had no one to share my pain or make me feel better. I loaded up on pain meds, tissues, hot water bottles, and sanitary pads. There was no one to comfort me and tell me that it wasn’t my fault I’d lost the part of me that I wanted the most. The pain was unbearable and most nights I cried myself to sleep over what would never be. My hormones were raging and I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. Beating myself up because maybe fate knew I wasn’t good enough to be a mother and that’s why she’d taken my baby away from me.
I’d read every article I could find on the internet. My brain was a mess of activity and thoughts. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I was hurting. I wanted to just lie down in the bed Andrew and I had bought and die. I didn’t want to live anymore. What was the point?
I shut myself off from the world and from Andrew, which only enraged him more. At that point, I didn’t care. He could tell me I was the scum of the earth until his final breath and nothing would take away the pain and sadness that filled my soul. I was broken and I didn’t think that could be changed.
These days, I could deal with the thoughts that battered my brain. Most days I could occupy myself with other things, but today was a painful reminder of my past. The one reminder that I’d never be able to run from.
My secret.
One that no one else knew. Tears streamed down my face as the memories flooded my soul, waves of sadness crashing through. I wanted to cry for the loss of my child. The loss of my marriage. The loss of myself in all of it. And crying is exactly what I did.
The knock at my door was so soft that I almost didn’t hear it. The last thing I wanted was someone to see me like this, especially Beau. So, I did the only thing I could think of, “Go away.”
“Cass?” Reagan’s voice came from the other side of the door etched with concern. She was the one person I knew wouldn’t let me wallow in myself. I never responded.
“Cassidy Mae?”
I still didn’t respond. The fact that she cared ate at me. I pretended to be asleep when I heard the handle on the door squeak as it turned slowly. She crept over to the bed and I felt it dip when she sat down. A warm hand landed softly on my back and I broke. The tears came again, flooding my face. My body wracked with shivers of guilt and desperation. I was trying to cling to something, anything, but it was especially hard.
“Oh, Cass, hunny. What’s wrong? What can I do?”
“Nothing Reagan. You can’t do anything.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell my best friend my woes. She’d heard enough lately and I didn’t want to burden her anymore. The tears came harder and there was no shut off valve.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Shhhh…. It’s okay. Let it out, Cass. I’m here.” She didn’t say anything else for the next hour. She just sat with me rubbing my back.
I craved comfort. The soft touches of my best friend as she comforted me without knowing why. Another human to share in the sorrow that they weren’t privy too. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, she was gone and the sun was peeking through the crease in the curtains. A small part of me was happy that she left. She didn’t need my shit to deal with right now.
Thoughts of everything I’d lost were taking over every good emotion I’d felt since coming to the farm. Fear of what would happen if the people that killed my husband found me. Or if they were even looking for me. I still didn’t know. The only thing I could think of at this point was Beau. I couldn’t let him get involved with me. I was broken. A shell of the person I used to be.
Getting the job here has been one of the best decisions I have ever made and deep down I truly believed that keeping Beau at arm’s length was the second-best decision I could ever make. He deserved someone that was whole. Someone who could give him more than just the broken bits and pieces of her shattered heart. Then and there I decided that Beau and I would never be more than just friends and I was sticking to it. I needed to keep him safe, even if that meant keeping him away from me.
Our conversation the other day
