“I think what you’re doing is great,” Leo said. She was starting her transition and had been really vocal about how the trans community were represented in porn. Basically, not very favourably. Leo could access fetish porn, but nothing reflecting real sexual relationships. “Hopefully this will start a movement that says we don’t want seedy films that make you cringe rather than turn you on.”
“I hope so,” I replied. “I know I’m not capable of changing the world or representing everyone, but if I can get across the message of safe, consensual sex, I think that’s a win.”
The group represented a large part of the LGBTQ+ community and raised the issue I was stuck on. How could I make a film that would appeal to all sexual orientations and tastes? There were various discussions about the main message of safe sex and a film showing the reality and beauty of a sexual relationship. Sarah, who described herself as bisexual, suggested having multiple scenes rather than one story, opening up more scenarios that would appeal to many. I wasn’t going to lie, I panicked at that. I wasn’t sure how we were going to film one scene let alone a collection.
“How did it go?” Will appeared at the door and handed me a coffee. Helping himself to the products had become second nature and I was too tired to tell him off.
“It was great,” I replied. “Really good.”
“I sense a but.”
“There’s so much to consider,” I replied as I started to clear away the tables. “I still don’t feel closer to deciding what kind of scene we should film.”
“Did you talk to Dr Chris?” Will asked.
“She said we should go with our majority client base.” I sighed. “She doesn’t want us to lose that this is an educational film. She said we should go with a male-male scene, but then changed her mind and said do an orgy. I believe she was trying to be funny, but it didn’t help.”
“An orgy, huh? Where the hell would I point the camera?” he said before tearing off the end of an almond croissant.
“This feels like it’s going to be a disaster. I don’t even have actors to be in this film. I know a lot of people, Will. Quirky, eclectic, typically Brighton, but funnily enough I don’t know any porn stars.” I sprayed cleaner onto the table like firing a gun. “At this rate I might have to be in it myself.” Will coughed out a piece of flaky pastry. “Alright, there?” I smiled. “Thoughts of me writhing and naked too much for you?”
He rubbed the back of his head. “Well…erm…I mean…no.” I rested my head on my hands and winked, laughing as Will threw a cloth at me. “Is this film supposed to be a turn on? Not sure you featuring in it would have a great appeal.”
For a second my heart fell, but then I remembered I wasn’t living inside my head and our reality looked different. “I’ll have you know, a lot of men would kill to see me naked.”
“How many?” he asked, his voice low. I stopped wiping the table and looked up. The air between us changed. There was a charge, a spark, a heaviness. Will stepped forward and I could feel him surround me. Another step and we’d be in the same space. His whole presence was familiar to me, like he’d always been there, but at the same time, there was something new. An excitement. A buzz. “How many, Skye?”
“Plenty,” I replied, my voice unfamiliar. “Enough to sell at least…three copies.” He laughed softly, his lips upturned and open. I felt a need to touch them, but I kept my hands behind my back, the same fear of reading things wrong and ruining what we had was forcing them still like always.
“They may want their money back,” he said, his eyes drifting around my face. “Not sexy enough.”
“Suck my dick.”
“Ah, so that’s what you’re hiding underneath those huge skirts.”
“Anyway, how would you know how sexy I am?” I goaded. “You don’t…see me in that way.”
“I’ve seen,” he replied, leaning forward. His face close to mine now and every nerve ending was vibrant and alert. A flurry of goosebumps erupted that I had no reason to hide, no desire or will. He could see how my body reacted to him, what he did to me in the shadows. “Not sexy,” he whispered, a smile curling. “At. All.” His words were soft, his face easy. We were good at this. Mean words spoken gently. Any other guy would have received a swift knee to the scrotum, but Will had a pass. He was part of me, like the curl of a finger, instinctual as a heartbeat, the force that awakened me from sleep, the jerk your body makes without preparation or thought.
“Glad we’ve got that clear,” I murmured, relishing the closeness, the fact that he still hadn’t moved away. “Happy I know where I stand.” My body was brought to life by the small touch I felt to my back. Tentative fingers pressing against my skin. How could such a small gesture ignite a fire so deep? No one had ever made me feel this way before. It scared me and my response was to act as hard as stone, pull up the shutters and close myself in. That way, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I protected myself when really, I would willingly pull out my heart and hand it to him. If only things were different. If only our friendship didn’t stand in our way.
I
