I didn’t know what she was thinking. I’d lived the last five years in a permanent state of confusion, arousal a close second. Particularly in the last few weeks. Definitely after the night of the porn shoot. Our dry humping had been locked in a box and thrown out to Brighton sea, never to be spoken about again.
Remembering Elliott tonight had brought a range of emotions out of her. Sadness, a comparable vulnerability. The mutual understanding of how painful it was to remember his lifeless body. How just a second of time could change your life completely. The fine dance of not letting that second destroy you, but letting it flourish instead.
But could there have been something else?
Did she see our spark?
Wonder what it was and want to explore it?
“Stay there,” I whispered, reaching for my camera, needing to capture the look on her face. She glanced down, appeared shy and uneasy, but as I held up the camera, she stuck out her tongue and gave me the finger.
“How’s that for a good picture?” she asked.
“Fucking awful.” Liar.
“Nice,” she replied, walking away. “It’s a good job we’re such great friends, isn’t it?”
Confusion, my old friend. What a bastard you are.
12
Skye
What was the definition of friendship? The state of being friends? Not entirely helpful. Couldn’t I add specifics about mixing sex into friendship? That it could be done without wiping out the whole friendly definition. I wasn’t sure Will and I were even friendly anymore. I hadn’t seen him for a week. Not since the beach speech of what a great friendship we had. There I was hoping for declarations of love and instead I was slapped with a reminder of the limits we were never going to cross.
“Can we come in?” Matt, Stacey’s boyfriend asked, tapping on the door loudly.
“Yes, of course! Come in.” I came out of my notes app and shoved my phone back in the drawer hoping the right words would fall out and give me answers as to what Will and I are and more importantly what we were becoming.
“This is Reid,” Matt said, slapping him on the shoulder.
I held out my hand. “It’s really good to meet you. Please, sit down.” Matt and Reid sat together at the opposite side of the table as I twisted my lip with my fingers, and it dawned on me that I had no idea what kind of questions I wanted to ask a very experienced porn star.
“I was hoping Will would be here. He’s going to be the cameraman. I’d sent him a message but–”
“Hey, not too late, am I?” Will came crashing through the door with a tray of coffees. He dropped them in the middle of the table and threw a paper bag of what appeared to have a number of cookies inside. “Help yourselves. I’ve not eaten. Came straight from the station.” He finally gave me eye-contact. “Hi.” I smiled in response.
“So…Reid, this is Will. Will, Reid.” Will sat on the chair next me, knocking his knee into mine. He placed his hand there, rubbing it softly as he bit into a cookie. Sorry, he mouthed and that touch, that fucking touch, reignited everything I’d tried so desperately to stamp out. I realised my mouth had parted slightly as I watched him push up his glasses. His hair had dropped down over his eyes and I stared, couldn’t help it, as he pushed it back with his fingers only for it to drop down again. I blew out a breath, tried to collect myself.
“I just want to say thank you for agreeing to meet with us. I was having a conversation with Stacey and Matt about this project.” I’d asked Matt if he had any connections in the world of the adult film industry. He’d laughed and joked that he wasn’t Dirk fucking Diggler. Stacey joked further that comparisons could be made. Matt always blushed at any discussion about his penis size and ex-profession, which I thought was weird considering the job spec.
“Stacey knows?” Will asked.
“Yes.”
“What did she say?”
“She said why the fuck didn’t you tell me before.” I smiled a smile that said let’s get on with this because I was out of my depth. “Anyway. Matt kindly said that he would talk to you about being involved and…here we are.”
“Here we are,” Will repeated as he glanced my way. Yum. A dimpled smile. Those creases next to his mouth had sometimes left me speechless. Today was no exception.
“Erm…so, tell me how you got into porn.”
“Straight in there.” Reid laughed.
“Most of the time she’s to the point, but there are times where you’re left wondering what on earth she’s thinking,” Will replied, tapping his mouth. “Take advantage of this.” He pointed at me. “Doesn’t always happen, let me tell you.”
What the fuck?
Reid plastered smile on his face and Matt had tipped his head and narrowed his eyes in question. “Shall we go back to the original question?”
“Well, I started web-caming a couple of years ago,” Reid said as I took the opportunity to look at him in a could-I-get-off-if-I-watched-him-have-sex kind of way. I quickly realised that yes, yes, I could. Reid was particularly blessed in the bicep department. Biceps for days. He was a blonde bodybuilder type who probably wore ripped jeans and tight t-shirts when out clubbing. Today he’d chosen a tracksuit and a cross body bag over his chest. He had a cute line of moles along his jawline and had gelled his hair to perfection. I thought he was endearing and tried to imagine his bum mid thrust. “I lost my job and needed some cash. It was quick and easy, and I started earning pretty good money. Then, I joined the escort agency where Matt worked. That’s how we met and from there I realised I was good at what I did, and I enjoyed it. My confidence grew and when I saw an ad for an audition to be in an adult film, I never
