Five letters stuck out to me the most. I had my phone lying next to me on my bed as I leveled my breathing. I needed to read these five letters one more time so I could allow myself to process them.
Evelyn,
War is a three lettered word that obliterates everything. Tears people apart, even my brothers on the battlefield. Victims of war, and we are all victims, we’re plagued with guilt, regret, and pain. It fucking sucked.
With each bullet fired, my brain shut off my emotions. I’m a killer. A monster. If only you could see me now. You wouldn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t be redeemed. We dropped bombs that killed people. Innocent lives are lost over here. Both on our side and their side. When it comes to life out here, you fight and win or you die. I hear screams of pure terror. I see blood. I smell gunpowder.
They were collateral damage, as my sergeant would say. I have no choice but to go with it. I’m fucked up, Evelyn. I can’t be saved. I react with brutality, ferocity.
I’m sorry for what I’ve become,
Flynn
My hands shook as I folded up that letter and placed it in the envelope. I grabbed the next one.
Evelyn,
Gunshots shattered the stillness of the night. We were ambushed… again. I can smell the stale gunpowder and metallic scent of blood.
My sanity is on the verge of collapsing.
Maybe that’s a good thing though, I’ve seen too many of my comrades die. I’ve killed too many people. I hate myself.
That was it—an abrupt ending. It broke my heart. Taking a few more deep breaths, I reached for the next one. This one was a few weeks after he was deployed to Afghanistan.
Evelyn,
Years ago, death would’ve been a big deal. Seeing a corpse would send us to our Chaplain. Not any more. It was a fucking battlefield.
Every brother I fought beside was trained to obey orders for the most twisted acts of violence. We’re human, but robotized for one purpose. To kill. How fucked up is that? Nobody cares that once our consciences return, we’ll end up with PTSD and guilt will rot us from the inside out. The Army needed unquestioned obedience from their soldiers. To hell with the consequences. And we just follow them like damn puppies.
This environment has turned me into someone I hate. Someone that isn’t good enough for you. I mean, fuck. It’s been nine years, and I still think about you. But I sure as hell don’t deserve you.
I miss you, even though I shouldn’t.
Forever yours,
Flynn
My heart twisted in my chest as I gripped the paper tight. Forever yours, Flynn. That was written a year ago. Must’ve been just before his accident. So much self-hatred was enclosed, but he still had me on his mind. At least that wasn’t one-sided. I blew out a shaky breath as I started to read the next one.
Evelyn,
I fight for you. I feel so fucking guilty for leaving you. I wonder what you’re doing now. Are you happy? If we were to see each other again, would you even trust me again? Probably not, and I don’t blame you for that. It was my mistake to break your trust and that’s for me to bear.
Still, I hold love in my heart for you. I long for you. I fucking desire you. I have so much respect for you. Your morals about waiting until marriage were more than responsible. I wonder if you’re still waiting. I’ve been waiting. Looking at another woman repulses me, and it’s been so fucking long. I can’t get you out of my head. I’m broken.
When I said forever, I meant it.
Flynn
But did he still mean it? Was that possible? He never used to be this difficult to read, but after the letters I understood why. I crawled out of bed and stood up on wobbly legs. If I was going to read the next one, I’d need caffeine first. My bare feet padded toward the kitchen, and I stretched my limbs out with a yawn.
I snagged a coffee pod from my basket and popped it into the single-cup coffee maker. I pulled down my favorite white clay mug and placed it under the spout. As the liquid caffeine poured into my mug, I inhaled the rich smell of coffee beans. Hopefully, the next letter would help clear my mind.
I put some sugar and cream in the mug and stirred it before retreating back to my room and curling up on the bed. I sat the next letter in front of me and wrapped my fingers around the mug, relishing in the heat that spread through my hands. I took a few sips before beginning to read the last letter.
Evelyn,
I’ve lost one of my closest friends. A man I considered a brother. A Semtex ignited in a fiery ball of yellow flame, exploding outwards. Him and a few buddies were up ahead of our platoon. The noise reverberated over us before we knew what happened.
A few days later, my platoon and I stood in uniform with a poppy on our chests. We salute our fallen friends. Brothers in arms. Memories surged through me and fuck it hurt. We cried today. Tears unrestrained streaked down our faces.
Our brothers would not make it home. Not to their parents, spouses, or children. But we knew their sacrifice. We were prepared to face death, just like they had.
Selfishly, I pray every night to come home to you. Even though it’s far-fetched. I wish I could just let you hold me up like you did
