“No, this is not at all overboard. This is perfect.” Juliana turns in slow circles, trying to take in every detail.
“Mommy, this present has my name on it!”
“It sure does. There may be a few more around here too. You never know.” Brian waggles his brows at Isa, and she giggles uncontrollably.
Without warning, the front door swings open, and a large group of people walks in. Before I can move out of their way, arms squeeze my neck and lips leave warm kisses on my cheeks. The oldest man in the group walks over to Daisy, lifts her off the ground, and twirls her around. She squeals with laughter and wraps her arms around him.
“Uncle Adam, put me down, you lunatic. I’m too heavy for you to lift me like this.”
“You don’t weigh more than a feather, sweet girl.” He gives her a big kiss before putting her down.
She turns to the rest of us, makes introductions of her uncle, aunt, and all the cousins, along with their spouses and kids. I’ll never remember all the names, but everyone is as warm and welcoming as her parents. When Daisy gets to my little family, I glance over at my sister and niece. The sheer joy on their faces nearly drives me to my knees. I can’t recall ever seeing them this happy before.
They’re surrounded by a large, loving family. Enveloped in a multitude of arms, kisses, and love, from complete strangers who have a talent for making them feel like a part of the family from the moment they met. In Juliana’s twenty-five years, I’ve never been able to provide this type of environment.
My house may be the largest and most expensive in the area, but it’s cold and unwelcoming.
Even when I have the best of intentions, I fuck up the simplest relationship that has the least bit of emotion tied to it.
Though I’ve never shirked responsibility or failed to meet their basic needs, I’ve still somehow turned into my father. I’ve resented missing out on my own carefree twenties because I had to raise my sister, though I never let her know. My father and I are both nothing more than cold, unfeeling, uncaring, selfish motherfuckers.
I have to get out of this room, out of this house, right this second, because the walls are closing in on me and I can’t breathe. While everyone is busy mingling and catching up, they won’t notice my absence. Even if they do, I’m the master of making up excuses of why I’m unavailable, emotionally or physically.
As nonchalantly as my racing heart will allow, I move toward the front door until I’m outside in the stifling humidity. I slowly walk around the exterior of the house, keeping my gaze trained on the decorations in case anyone asks, but inside I feel like I can blow at any second. After several minutes of practicing deep breaths, I feel my pulse slowing and my mind clearing.
When I turn around, Daisy’s watching me the way one would watch a wild animal that’s wounded and needs help. Unsure of how to approach it, but too invested in saving it to turn away, regardless of the damage it can inflict. I’ve already caused her enough pain and trouble. The last thing I want to do is add to it now.
“What are you doing out here?” I finally ask.
“I could ask you the same thing, but I doubt you’d tell me the truth. I’ve seen that look in other’s eyes before, Rod, so I have a good idea what’s going on with you.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
She takes a few steps closer, keeping a leery eye on me while trying to close the gap. “It looks like maybe you’re a little overwhelmed by my family. Possibly on the verge of an anxiety attack. So you came outside to get a little air, put a little space between you and the horde of people inside.”
“I’m very strong-minded. I don’t have panic attacks, Daisy.”
“No? Okay. My mistake, then. I thought you might need someone to talk through whatever’s bothering you. Problems aren’t quite as overwhelming when you let them out, instead of bottling them inside.” She raises her brows in question, giving me the chance to save face and talk at the same time.
When I’m silent too long, she nods slowly. “You know where to find me if you change your mind. I won’t pressure you.”
She turns to walk around the corner of the house, and I can’t take my eyes off her. When she makes the turn and is instantly out of sight, I feel as if my heart stops beating altogether.
“Daisy!” I didn’t mean to yell that loud. The entire neighborhood probably heard me.
She pops back around the corner and rushes to me. “Everything’s all right, Rod. Focus on the sound of my voice and taking the next breath. There’s no one around except you and me.”
We ease down to the ground and sit in the shade on the isolated side of the house. She rubs my back in long, soothing strokes. Her soft voice reassures me over and over that what I’m experiencing is nothing to be ashamed of and is perfectly normal.
Nothing about it feels normal, but if I know anything for certain, it’s that she’s the epitome of all that is good and gentle in this world. I cling to that truth until my heart resumes working. Then I lean my head over on her shoulder, close my eyes, and immerse myself in the love and charity she’s giving. I’ll stay right here as long as she’ll allow.
When I feel like myself again, I speak without lifting my head. “That has never happened to me before. I’m sorry I’m ruining your trip home.”
“You haven’t ruined anything. Don’t even think that. Is the worst over now?”
“Yeah, I’m gaining a little clarity of mind again. Thank you for staying out here
