“You found comfort in each other. There is nothing wrong with that. Grief can take many forms, even in friendship with another,” I tell her, comparing it to the only thing I can relate to it.
Isn’t that what I’ve been doing with Cassi this whole time? Pulling her in, but then pushing her away when I think she’s getting too close? Kissing her, but never letting her take it further because I’m afraid she will pull back.
“We did. It was a mistake. I told Jared that after the first time. I knew as soon as we were done that I made a mistake, but still, he kept coming back. I feel like he used me in my weak moments to make himself feel better, which only upsets me even more. He was my brother’s best friend and I know my brother would have wanted him to look after me, not take advantage of me. I don’t think I even realized that was what he was doing until tonight. He used me to get through his own grief, and when I stopped being there for him, he did something cruel to hurt me. So no, I wasn’t crying because of him. I was crying for him in a way. That he is so far gone right now that he can’t even see the damage he’s done. I want to help him pull himself out of the water, but if I try, I’m afraid I’ll drown with him.”
I press a kiss to the top of her head. “You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped. If he is really in a bad place, you can’t let him drag you down with him. Tell me, Cass, what changed for you. Why do you feel he is drowning, but you’re not anymore?”
She sighs, thinking over my words.
“I knew coming here was going to be difficult for me. Jared and Ryan came here together last year. They joined the same frat and shared many of the same classes. I was a year behind them, so I had to wait. When Ryan died, I didn’t even want to come here anymore. I wanted to move far away, hiding from the memories. I couldn’t go through with it though. Jared convinced me I would feel closer to Ryan here, but I don’t. I think it was his way of manipulating me into staying around. Either way, I’m not mad at him for it. While I might not feel closer to Ryan here. Plus, since it’s still close to home, I can run out and see my parents when I want to. Not that I’ve been doing that much lately. So when I started school here, I decided I was going to move on from my grief. Step one was letting Jared go. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but I couldn’t keep falling into the pattern we had. I might have been lost in my head all summer, but just being here was like a fresh start.”
I nod. “That’s why you came to me at the party. You were trying to stick to your guns.”
“Yeah. I was trying to stay strong. I figured if he thought I was taken, he would leave me alone. I was wrong though. He still seeks me out. Hell, he sought me out even more that first week after we met. He stopped after I started spending so much time in your dorm. I thought he had realized that it was really and truly over. That’s why when he texted me tonight and asked me to meet him, I went. I wanted to take the time to clear the air between us. I guess he had different ideas.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could make it better for you.”
She squeezes me tighter. “You being here makes it better. You have made it better. I said starting school is what changed, and it did, but honestly, it wasn’t just that. Jack has been a great friend, making me laugh when I didn’t think I could. Then there’s you. You make me feel alive again. Like the pain is still there, but that it isn’t always the dominating feeling inside. That helps.”
I swallow hard. Hearing her say that I am part of the reason she’s surviving makes my chest swell with pride. I’ve been holding back from her, but from the way she’s talking, I have no reason to.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that I almost miss what she says next.
“I can barely stand to even come here anymore. It hurts too much. It’s tainted,” she whispers.
Cassi
“Why? What happened?” His voice pulls me out of my downward spiral.
“Back in May, there was an accident. He didn’t make it.” Changing the subject, I say, “This was our spot. We used to come here all the time. Ryan was my best friend. I could tell him anything. Whenever things got too heavy, this was our spot. We could come here to be alone, but the other would eventually show up. We weren’t twins, but we somehow just knew what the other needed. Sometimes we would sit here in silence. Other times he would let me yell and scream at him. Then there were the times he’d let me cry. This place holds so many memories for me, but it’s tainted now. Not the same. As much as I love it here, I also kind of hate it.”
I never should have slept with Jared. I knew it; he knew it. But sometimes you take comfort in things that you shouldn’t know matter how wrong. Now we’re left with nothing. We ruined our friendship a little more every time our clothes
