“You can still have your memories, Cass. They will always be in here.” He steps closer, pressing his hand over my heart.
I smile weakly. “When we were ten, we carved our names into a tree over there. Let’s see if you can still see it.”
We walk toward the tree. I run my finger over the engraving.
Ryan + Cassi= BFF.
I can still remember the day we carved it. I was thirteen, and he was fourteen. We rode our bikes here to swim.
“Cass, if I could, I would never leave this place.”
I glance at Ryan while he floats on his back next to me.
“Why is that?”
“It’s peaceful here. It feels like the sun always shines. It always makes my day better when we come here.”
“Even when I yell at you?”
He flips in the water, treading next to me. “Especially when you yell at me.”
“That sounds dumb, RyRy. You can’t find me yelling peaceful.”
He smiles. “Maybe not the actual yelling, but when you let all your feelings out, at the end, there is this peaceful look you get on your face. Like you’re relieved to get rid of such strong emotions.”
“I think we need to have your head checked.”
“You don’t understand it, but you will someday.”
After a few moments of silence, he says, “Come on, Cass. I have an idea.”
I remember feeling irritated that he was making me get out, but I followed him anyway.
“It’s cold out here. Let’s get back in,” I urged him.
“No way. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
He runs to his bike, me trailing behind. He grabs the pocketknife that he got for Christmas and urges me to follow.
“I’m not going to do a blood ritual with you again. It was stupid and did nothing.”
“Stop being a spoilsport. Come on.”
I walk behind him, watching as he knocks on several trees. Then he stops, pointing at one.
“This one’s perfect, right?”
I look up at the tree. It looks like every other tree. His smile has me keeping that to myself.
“Yeah, RyRy. It’s perfect.”
He takes his knife and starts carving into the tree.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Leaving our mark that way this will be our peaceful place forever.”
I watch as he carves both of our names and stops. “What do you think?”
I scrunch up my nose at him. “I think people are going to think we’re a couple.”
He looks back at it. “Good point. What to do to make it better though.”
As he’s musing to himself, I grab his knife.
“Hey, be careful.”
“Stop being such a big brother.”
I lean in, adding an equal sign and the letters BFF.
“There. Now they will think we are best friends.”
He slings his arm around my shoulders. “That’s because we are.”
Tears continue to flow down my face as I remember that day.
“Ryan said this would mark this as our place forever, but forever is subjective, isn’t it? You can say that class is taking forever, and it means one thing while also saying you want to live forever, which is another. This is our mark here, but when does forever end? Will this tree still be here after they clear this land in the next couple of months? Will this one tree be the lucky ones that make it, or will it just be another lost memory for a couple of kids that don’t matter to the universe?” I say as I run my hand over our names carved into the tree trunk.
“I can’t answer that. I can’t predict the future, but I can tell you this. When Ryan said this would mark your place forever, he wasn’t talking about anything tangible like a tree. He was talking about the memory you were cementing in your mind and heart. He was talking about the feeling you had when he carved your names into that tree. Those feelings will outlast even the most destructive mind diseases. That’s what will be left when forever finally comes.”
“You sound so sure.” I sigh, turning back toward him.
“Because I am. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved you. He wouldn’t want you holding onto all this grief, letting it overwhelm you.”
“And he wouldn’t want me falling into bed with his best friend either, huh?” I quip, making us both laugh.
“No, probably not. Or maybe he would. You know him better than me. One thing I know is he would want you to give yourself a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
A lightness fills me at his words. I don’t know if he even realizes what he said.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
He doesn’t know what happened. He has no idea the amount of guilt I harbor, but with that one statement, I feel a small portion leave me.
“You’re right. He wouldn’t want me to be so hard on myself.”
He would want me to forgive myself.
Xavier pulls me into him and starts walking back toward the car. “Come on, why don’t you stay with me tonight? We can go back to the dorm, order some food and watch a movie or two. How does that sound?”
“That sounds perfect,” I tell him as I bury myself into his side, holding him tight.
“Let’s go for now. We can always come back.”
I smile weakly up at Xavier. “I hope they don’t cut down this tree. As much as it hurts me now, I know I’ll want to look at it again one day.”
“I hope so too.”
Xavier
I stare blankly at the TV as Cassi sleeps next to me, face buried in my chest, legs intertwined with mine. I knew she had some sort of past with Jared, I just didn’t know how much.
“I was clinging to him because he was one of the last pieces of him I had left. When he passed, Jared and I got close because we were both lost.”
Can I compete with the past?
You couldn’t when it came to Tinsley, the devil on my shoulder says.
But Cassi is different, the angel reminds me.
I can’t help
