You can do this. You’re strong.
I keep saying it until I feel more myself again.
Then I found the man who helped me find my strength.
Xavier
Yesterday was interesting. Once we got to Cassi’s family home, I was ushered to the living room with her father to do ‘men things.’ Or at least that’s what he told me it was when we got there.
What he really meant was sitting there watching some old western on TV while the ladies were in the kitchen.
It felt a bit archaic to me. I would have preferred been in the kitchen with Cassi. Then again, I would have preferred been anywhere with Cassi.
Then she came in and I wanted to pull her into my arms.
She forced a smile while she joked with her father, but she couldn’t fool me.
I saw the sadness in her eyes.
So when she asked if I wanted a tour of the farm, I said yes.
I let her lead me around, telling me all kinds of stories of her childhood. Then, when she finally let the tears come, I pulled her into me, holding her until the sun went down.
Dinner was awkward as hell, but mostly because I could see how each of them were caught in their own heads.
If I had to guess, Cassi hasn’t been home much lately.
The silence didn’t bother me though. I was more worried about Cassi. I could tell she was uncomfortable. That’s why I pulled her into her room after dinner.
“Xavier, my daddy will kill you if he catches you in here.”
I frown. “I don’t think he’d notice, Cass.”
She sighs. “I’m sorry. I haven’t seen them in a while. I was hoping they were better like me.”
“It’s okay. No need to apologize. Are you okay?”
She smiles up at me. “I am. Having you here helps.”
“Good. I’ll always be here then.”
“Thank you.” She hugs my middle.
I debate my next words, but eventually decide she needs to hear them.
“Have you ever thought about what they are going through? I mean, not meaning you don’t know, but you said you were hoping they would get better, but did you consider why you got better?”
She pulls back, looking up at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what changed that made you deal with your grief better?”
She smiles. “I met you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think meeting me is going to help your parents, but a change would. I feel like you’re tiptoeing around their feelings, scared to make it worse.”
She bites her bottom lip. “I feel guilty. I feel like I caused all of this.”
“I know you do, which is another topic for another day, but maybe they need some kind of change to help them move through their own grief. Have you considered that they may be careful around you as well?”
I can see her considering my words. “No. I didn’t. I’ve been so caught up in my life, I haven’t considered them at all. I’ve been selfish.”
I pull her head to my chest. “Maybe a little selfish, but you were working on you. Remember what I told you before? You can’t help someone else if you aren’t in the right place to help yourself.”
“You’re so smart.”
“I know.”
She pulls back, slapping my chest.
“Do you take your own advice with your parents?”
I avert my eyes, taking in her rooms instead. I smile at the photos on the mirror of her and Ryan. I see a couple with Jared, but I decide not to dwell on them. I’m here with her, not him.
“It’s different with them.”
“You don’t talk about them much.”
I trail my finger across the top of her dresser. “Not much to say. They aren’t the best parents.”
“Do you miss them?”
Shocked by her question, I turn to face her. “What?”
Her eyes are soft. “Do you miss them?”
I think about her question, not knowing how to respond.
“Do I miss them?” I repeat, her head nodding. I let out a heavy sigh. “I miss who they could have been. They were never really parents to me, so to say I could miss them would be a lie. I can’t miss something they aren’t.”
She pinches her lips together. “What if they changed? What if they came and visited you?”
I shrug. “I used to hope that something would bring them home. My graduation, my eighteenth birthday, but they never show. There’s always a reason. Before, I would at least talk to my dad, but now that I went against his wishes and came here, he doesn’t even talk to me. The only reason I still get my monthly stipend is because of my grandfather. I only met him twice, but he set up a trust fund for me. As long as I’m in college, I can draw from it up until I either graduate or turn twenty-five. If they showed up now, I would want to think they were here for me, but in the back of my mind, I’d be questioning their agenda. It’s too late for us, but not for your family. I can feel the love here.”
She moves toward me, pulling me into a hug. “I’m sorry, Avi. I’m sorry you went through that and you feel that way. You don’t need them though. I’ll be your family.”
Leaning down, I press a kiss to her lips. “Thanks, Adra.”
The house feels different in the morning. The heaviness from before seems to have evaporated.
I was shocked when I walked into the kitchen to find Cassi and her mother dancing around the kitchen while cooking.
They shooed me out, handing me two glasses of sweet tea for the road.
That’s how I found myself sitting on the couch in the living room, watching football with Jerry.
“Have you ever played football?” he asks.
“No, sir. Not really my thing.”
“I see. What is your thing?”
I shrug. “I’m going to school to become a teacher. I enjoy playing video games. I like to read.”
He nods, never looking my way. “That’s good. What did you do to my daughter?”
I sit shocked. “What
