Pain.
I see the pain behind them.
He turns, taking off the way he came. I’m hot on his trail.
“Stop. Damn it, Xavier, stop walking away from me.”
He doesn’t stop until we’re standing next to his car. He turns, leaning against it, waiting for me to catch up.
“You’re overreacting. That wasn’t what it looked like.”
He raises an eyebrow. “So you didn’t just sit in there, holding hands with another man? One that you have a history with? Or hug him?”
“How long were you standing there watching?” My anger building at the lack of trust.
“Long enough.”
“We were hashing shit out. It wasn’t romantic.”
He scoffs, “I might have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night, Cassi. I saw how you were looking at each other.”
“What? How were we looking at each other? With the weight of the grief that we have been holding on to?”
“Lie to yourself all you want. I’m not doing this again. I’m done.” He turns to open the driver’s door.
I’m furious. This man is so lost in his own world that he can’t even see what it’s doing to mine.
“You keep putting this all on me. You’re so sure that there is more going on between me and him, but you don’t see your own hypocrisy. The way you look at Tinsley. The way you smile when she texts or calls. You’re still in love with Tinsley. You never truly got over her.” The words fly from my mouth before I can stop them.
He slowly turns to face me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Tinsley’s my best friend. There is nothing else there other than the love of a friend. Stop deflecting.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “At least I can be honest with myself. Jared was a coping mechanism. It was never about being in love. It was about the comfort we could offer each other. The desire to hold on to the memories of someone we both loved so much that we lost way too soon. A way to handle a grief so overwhelming I thought it would suffocate me. I won’t lie to you, Xavier. I made a mistake in taking that route, but I can move on from my past. You need to grow the fuck up. If you’re looking for someone with no baggage. A perfect little princess who has never liked another boy before. Then you’re delusional. You won’t find her. You’ll just end up alone with a list of what-ifs.”
When he doesn’t speak, choosing to remain quiet, I shake my head.
“Figure your shit out, Xavier.”
Turning, I leave him standing there along with my heart.
15
Cassi
“Mama?” I call out as soon as I make it through the door.
“Cass, is that you? What are you doing home?”
As soon as I go around the corner and see my mom standing at the kitchen counter wiping her hand on a towel, the tears stream down my face.
“Mama,” I cry out, going to her.
She immediately takes me into her arms. “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?”
I let myself feel the pain I have been holding off since I left Xavier, feeling my heart crack in my chest. I don’t say anything, but Mom doesn’t care. She just holds me, rubbing my back while whispering reassurances in my ear.
Once I calm down enough that I can speak without sobbing, I blurt out, “Xavier and I broke up, I think.”
“You think?” she asks quietly.
“Gosh, it’s such a mess, Mama.”
She wipes a tear from my face. “Let me get us some sweet tea and we can sit on the porch while you tell me all about it.”
She does as she said, handing me a glass, before leading me to the porch swing. The same porch swing Xavier and I sat on, revealing our secrets to each other not too long ago.
My heart stutters at the memory before I push it away.
Once seated, Mama swings us, letting the silence envelop us while I process my thoughts.
“I feel like I’m dying,” I finally say.
“Broken hearts are no fun, but I promise you you’re not dying.”
I give her a weak smile. “If death is worse than this, then I think I should be more scared of it than I am.”
She thinks for a moment, before speaking again. “Death isn’t hard on the person who dies. They feel nothing once their heart stops beating. Death is the hardest on those who are left behind. The ones who are destined to relive their deaths and lives over and over, missing them with no chance of getting them back.” Her voice cracks and I know she’s thinking about Ryan.
Fresh tears fill my eyes as I also think of him. “I miss him.”
“I do too, but that’s our burden to carry. He’s living his best life with the Lord now. Watching over us as the guardian angel he was always meant to be. While we miss him, we also have to be grateful that his pain and suffering is over. He’s in a better place and we will see him again.”
“I hope you’re right, Mama, because I could really use my best friend right now. I hope he’s sitting right here next to us, helping me through this.”
“Always. He’s always with us. I can feel it in my bones.” She wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her side.
I rest my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes to feel him too.
“Tell me what happened,” she whispers.
“We were doomed from the start. Between the two of us, we have baggage that can fill a jet airliner and then some. I thought we were getting past it, but it keeps rearing its ugly head. I don’t think there’s any moving past it for us.”
“Everyone has baggage. There will always be a past there that you can’t change. It’s not about your past, but how you move on from it. Do you process it and move on or are you stuck living with your demons? I won’t lie, baby girl. I was
