I’m full-on sobbing again, hearing the pain in her voice as she talks about how I was.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” I choke out.
“Of course you didn’t. It’s not like I could tell you. You were so lost in the grief that anything I might have said would have pushed you further away. You were unreachable. All I could do was pray for a miracle. Pray to God that I didn’t lose both of my children at once.”
Her own voice cracks before we are both hugging and sobbing into each other.
Once we both calm down, I confide in her, “I didn’t want to burden you. I felt like I was drowning while watching you and Dad drown too. I couldn’t bear losing either of you, so I turned to Jared. He was Ryan’s best friend. We leaned on each other for comfort, but I think we started a cycle that was unhealthy. It wasn’t until I met Xavier that I really saw it. I would have kept falling into it had he not helped me find a new way. I feel guilty though. Jared is still stuck in it and now he’s all alone. I’ve abandoned him. I feel ashamed that I was laughing and having a good time when Ryan can’t be here. When Jared is still grieving.”
“I know it’s hard to move on. Those feelings are all completely normal, but you have to remember that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. You can only control your own destiny. Jared being stuck in his grief is not your responsibility. He can’t use you as a crutch to continue to live in it. He needs to find a way out, whether it be from professional help, his faith, or his family. It’s not fair of him to latch on to you when you are finally getting your head above water.”
I know she’s right, but it’s hard. It’s hard to see the sadness on his face every time I pass him at school. Or see him get shitfaced at a party to cope with his feelings.
“You’re right. I know you are,” I whisper.
“Darn straight, I’m right. As for me and your dad, I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t come to us. We will always be here for you. We were grieving too, but that’s no excuse. We should’ve tried harder to make you feel like we were there for you. For that, I’m eternally sorry.”
“Hey, if I need to cut myself some slack then you do too.”
She chuckles. “Fair point.”
We sit in for a while, watching as the sun sets. It’s nice to be here with her, just enjoying the silence.
We both turn as we hear Dad’s truck coming up the driveway.
“I guess I should get up and make supper.” Mama smiles at me.
“I’ll help,” I say, standing before helping her up. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
Heading inside, I hurry into the bathroom, smiling as I hear Dad greet Mama.
“Hello, beautiful. How is it that every time I see you it’s like you get even prettier?”
I hear Mama laugh as I close myself in the bathroom.
I want a love like theirs. Forty-five years of marriage and they still love each other.
I clean my face before staring at myself in the mirror. I look better, but I can see still the emptiness in my eyes. For once, it’s not because of Ryan though.
No, it’s because of this pain in my chest. I rub it as I take a deep breath.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I decide I don’t want to answer it. I want to be here with my family and forget the rest of it for a while. Pulling it out, I don’t look at it as I press the power button until it turns off.
Coming into the kitchen, Dad pulls me into a hug. “Baby girl, what are you doing here? Not that I’m complaining, but isn’t it a school night?”
I laugh as I squeeze him a little harder, soaking up the comfort. There is nothing better than a hug from your parents when you’re upset.
“It was a hard day. I needed to see my family.”
He pulls me back, looking into my eyes. “Who do I need to take to the woods? I’ll do it. Just say the name.”
I chuckle. “No one, Daddy. It was a bad day, that’s all. I love you millions for being willing to commit murder for me though.”
“Now, hush, child. It’s not murder. It’s a hunting accident.”
At this, we all burst out laughing. The funny thing is, my chest feels lighter.
“Now, Jerry, get on out of here while we make a quick dinner. Go watch your evening shows.” Mama swats at him with a towel playfully.
“Don’t you boss me around, woman.” He winks.
“Woman? I’ll show you woman,” Mama says as she starts toward him.
He chuckles, running out of the kitchen, hollering over his shoulder, “Woman? Did I say woman? I meant ‘Yes, darling.’”
“That man is going to get it one of these days,” she says with a smile.
“You love him,” I remind her.
She sighs, her face softening. “I do.”
Laying in my old bedroom that night after a laughter-filled dinner with my parents, I let my mind think about Ryan. For once, they aren’t the sad thoughts, or the demons as Mama called them. For once, I remember all the family dinners we had. All the joy and laughter.
“I love you, Ryan. I hope you’re watching over me.”
I say the words, but I can already feel his answer.
I’ll always be here
